Monthly Archives: June 2014

My Letter to Annie

Where do I start? I want to say thank you. I want to say thank you for what you have brought to my life. I did not think I needed to learn anymore lessons but I learned a valuable one. I never in my life would think that you out of all people would turn out the way that you did. You wear your mask well. 
What makes someone so ruthless that they would stop at nothing to get what they want. Do you think because of who you are in some social circles that it makes you untouchable? You may have managed to succeed in some aspects of you life but you’re lacking in many other places. You may have gotten what you wanted. Do remember when you set it in your mind to have something without taking the time to enjoy and love what you have. Do know that it will leave you. It will never ever be truly yours. You can not be the boss of everything. You can’t have it your way.
I may have lost in ways. I also know I have won too. I never gave up on what I believed in. I won something greater than you can possibly imagine. I won a chance to know how special I am to someone. How special I am that they trust me with all they can say. To know that I am that person, that influential is the greatest feeling in the world. You thought you could tear me apart. You never succeeded. When someone is truly bonded to another there will always be a spiritual connection within. The joy I feel in my heart is because I know that evil does not prevail.

There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.” Luke 12:2-2

Thank you for allowing me to know that I will never lose my light. That my heart and the goodness in it keeps shining. I never lost even though I thought I did. I gained. I have joy, I have happiness. All because you chose deception and lies to fuel your fire. I may never truly have what I want the way I want it, but that is okay. I have been blessed. Thank you for what you brought me. There is never fear when you don’t believe in fear. 

Advertisements

Just my thoughts on..

I guess we all have our different opinions on working parents. Today someone told me of a woman and her situation. Who am I to judge. As a mother myself I feel ways about mothering my kids. If you plan to have a baby one day, then make sure you have a plan.

When you find out your having a child whether or not it be planned or unexpected then life will change. If you have a partner or going at it alone, you need a plan. Unless you have it good. Most cases the mother and father will work.

This story is about a woman, who is a paralegal. She has a child but is single. She chose to let the father raise the child and she has the child on the weekend. Her job let’s her out by six. I can’t understand if you can get daycare as a mother why not come home from work and raise your child. My children are by far the joy in my life. I don’t care if I come home and not get sleep it was worth no sleep.

I was told she is involved in art scrapbooking on certain days. Sometimes she volunteers. Then on other days she heads to the local watering hole with the coworkers. She chased her last man all over the place during the week to spend time with him. Why didn’t you come home and take your child out and read to the child.

I guess not everyone is made to parent. I know it’s my opinion but if there’s time in a day I can’t see why efforts can’t be made to be a mother. You created this life. It’s very very sad that a career and social standing are more important to the life you gave to this child.

Turning my back

I hate changing my cell number as doctors and things for my kids are connected to that number.. But if this continues I might.

So because of the text I was sent, I got nasty texts from him. Saying thank you for opening my mouth. I didn’t even reply to that text. If she texted from his phone then she saw what you had there. Low blows from why I did this and that and it should have been kept in the past. Ouch. Ugh. But this is the man that would not let me go. I got messages she said I contacted her. This relationship I didn’t play let me tell the new girl what he’s doing. I walked away. This one broke me. I can’t deal with the bullshit. So for once I stayed out of it.

Sometimes I don’t think people consider the repercussions of their actions. We all knew that she was a defiant girl. Smart. Some people don’t take the crap. To me if that was me on the other end. That be it. Dead the contact why are you still replying. Which is what I did. To want a relationship after nasty things like that you must be out of your mind. There are people that are out there and would never treat someone so shitty.

It’s a reality I don’t think he knew he would face. Playing games for several years and you finally get caught. By not one girl by two. It wasn’t where I thought it would end but I don’t want to be involved anymore. I’ve made an appt to see a specialist and talk to someone. This by far has been the most trying and emotional for me in any relationship I’ve been In. I need to clear my mind and not worry about anything but the lives of my family.

Woman to woman

I was just about to head to the mall when a text came thru.. I deleted his number but I knew it was Danny’s phone… This is what I received.

“From a woman to another woman I need to apologize to you. I thought you and Danny were broken up. Thank you for showing me the light bc I thought I was a special woman in his life but clearly I wasnt. You seem like a good woman and I know you and Danny have alot of memories and love for each other. You are special to him. You can have him back. Me and him are done. He doesn’t deserve me and doesn’t know how to be with someone like me.”

I didn’t reply I just looked at it. Wondering how she got his phone and go text that. I’m not going to spend my day dwelling on if he really sent it or did Lana actually send it. I just was floored!

Crazy!!

Suck it up

Time I fucking moved on. Sick and tired of being a doormat! Belittling someone is just sad and a disease. You know I am a big girl. I can deal with all crap aimed at me.

Remember when you get down from outer space and the air is clearer I hope you enjoy what you spew. It isn’t right to hurt innocent people and their families. Who the fuck are you to talk shit. When your life is far from perfect.

Yes I had to get this off my chest because I’m not wasting my time with your childish calls and texts. I hope boss lady likes games! Honeymoon phase only lasts so long. So by trash talking me it’s ok I will be fine.

Mature adults can just walk away move on. But you just can’t leave well enough alone. Pretty sad that people that know you from birth and home couldn’t even express things to you. They know just like the ones before you will fuck it up with your own sad narcissism!

I’m in a rut this week cuz I let you get to me but I know it’s only something that will last me temporarily. I will come back smiling and glowing. I know I’m better then how you treated me. I know I’m better than how you claimed I was perceived. The healing process is in the beginning stages. It’s gonna be a long tough road. I’m willing to suffer but not at your hands.

To myself. Look at this post and know your worth. You are good enough. You are beautiful. It’s his loss that he couldn’t see a good woman in you. It’s his loss that he has to degrade you to make himself feel better. Smile, buck it up Chica! You’re gonna be just fine!

Breaking down

Not trying to be lectured. I already knew breaking up would hurt. I stayed around lingering like the relationship before this one. Hoping that things would change. I know, emotional abuse keeps you there. Yes I knew better. I should have cut all ties and never looked back. I thought Danny was different. I stayed around I kept telling myself for the car I cosigned and the money he owed me. I know why I did because I loved him. Shoot we were still messing around once a month..

The worst pain ever to me is the fact that I tried so hard for nothing. I can’t dwell on it, it just hurts like a bitch right now. I can’t vent anywhere else. I am too old to rant about it on social media. I am too tired to look for a shoulder to cry on. I guess this is where I will say my piece. I know the next few days and months are going to hurt like hell.

Before I get into another relationship I swear I need to talk to a therapist I guess. To see if its me doing things wrong or what. I was talking to someone last week. Tonight I started bawling my eyes out for like two hours shaking. I was freaking out so much I could not breathe but I could not say much to him. He wants more than I can give right now. I said goodbye and let him kiss my forehead. I feel so damaged right now. I know I am a good person. I know my job isn’t the greatest. I know I don’t drive but I am learning. I know I don’t have a special hobby or know about special places around NYC. I don’t know what I did that I did it so wrong.

Oh well… its my own personal rant. Not looking for comments though.. I just needed to let it all out. I wish the hurt would just go away now..

Concerts

Pretty awesome saw my fourth concert in my life. Haven’t been to many but when I first went to a concert in 1998 my ex husband had gotten tickets to see Elton John. His boss had Yankee playoff tickets and chose the Yankees over Elton. It was sweet. We sat so close.

I saw Aerosmith in July two years ago. They were amazing. The seats at the Nassau Coliseum sucked but to see Aerosmith was a dream to me! I did see Boyz II Men at the Mirage in Las Vegas but that doesn’t truly count as a concert since they play there for now. That show was amazing though! I went for my birthday and came back loving them again.

The next concert I saw was for my daughter. She loves Selena Gomez. So I took her and her twin sister to the Barclays Center in Brooklyn. Seats were high up but the faces on my girls were priceless! They had never been to one and this was a true dream.

Last night we saw New Politics, they opened for Paramore and Fall Out Boy at Jones Beach. I can tell you the outdoor concert was beautiful being outside the view and just the atmosphere. I’m glad I had this opportunity to take my kids and myself to see these bands. Sometimes I feel bad that I’m always working being a single mom. I make sure I can do things for the kids.

I can only be so grateful and happy that they’ll remember this years to come!

20140622-161154-58314246.jpg

20140622-161153-58313211.jpg

20140622-161152-58312249.jpg