This road..

I have a child with autism. She’s a teen. Ok so knock me if I don’t know the precise one. It’s not even about that. My daughters lived a rough life. Things were fine. We took family vacations and outings.
Puberty hits and mood swings become out of control. Her anger results in destroying clothing. Picture the Incredible Hulk then you can imagine how much clothing she goes thru. Handy me downs are welcomed. I’m right now at my wits end.
When she was diagnosed I refused to give medication. I don’t know if that was the right decision. About six years ago when puberty hit I asked a doctor about her moods and possible meds. He said she was quite calm compared to other kids.
Earlier this year a trigger and I can’t be to sure what it was set her off. It could have been school or change in the home life. Danny my ex was always around. He stopped coming around. I’m sure it all played a factor. She screamed and threw her respite workers phone. I have one good one and one lazy one. The lazy one let my daughter have her phone. Something set her off and she destroyed it. I came home from work in crisis. While I tried to figure out what to do my daughter struck me in the head several times.
I took her to the hospital. Of course it was late so this is NYC we were stuck waiting for hours. She was agitated. She struck me several more times in the head. They sedated her more than once and separated her as I seem to be a trigger. Eventually she was sent to a psych ward for 10 days where she was placed on medication. Small dose of abilify. She seemed ok for two weeks then it reared it’s ugly head. The meds weren’t working. Dosages increased at each doctor visit.

Until April where we did another stint in an ER psych hospital. I’m stressed I just can’t do this anymore. She’s on even stronger meds. All she wants to do is sleep. She now refuses to go school. She loved school so much. Now with school coming to an end I’m just lost. I’m tired of this. I’m a single mother. I know autism isn’t easy for her either but something has to give. Just how much more meds. Where are these “miracle cures” I’m so done. I
Want my sweet kid who loved school back. This is bullshit. Fuck the cards I’ve been handled how much can a human being take.
My child didn’t deserve autism, doesn’t deserve what she’s doing. Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t need CPS at my door. I can’t lose my job.
Really what more is there.

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