Not the one

I guess we all have fears and things that hold us back. I have always been able to keep up on going forward no matter what is thrown my way. I just hate failing.

My marriage failed. I was only eighteen. We were young. I didn’t know that he was a drunk and a drug user. It was one of those fast paced romances and I got pregnant quickly. I thought he was my high school sweetheart! I found out when he moved in how wrong I was. He was abused by an uncle I would years later find out. Death of his parents when he was just five left him emotionally ruptured. He started drinking at twelve and smoking too. Back then they didn’t even card you.
I stayed with him because of our ties to our child. After three years and physical abuse he put on me I kicked him out. No woman should be subject to sexual abuse by their husband. I never wanted him near me after stints at the bar. Those nights I dreaded. He would come home aroused and wake me up and want it. When I denied him he took it anyway. I still am upset I let it go three years. I’m glad I can talk about it and glad it didn’t go beyond that. I’m alive and well.

I next met this guy I worked with. Pretty funny cool and sexy. This was maybe eight months after I left my ex. We had a ball of fun. Shortly after one night in the fall we split. Three weeks later I found out I was pregnant. We never got back together and I had my twins. While I was pregnant he dated another girl at work. It fizzled before I gave birth. Three months after I did. He would meet his now wife. It took him thirteen years to marry her, but he did. They moved out of state and he helped raise her teen daughters.

After him five years later. I just don’t know if my young kids scared off men or I just wasn’t looking I can’t recall that time period. I think I blocked it out for good reason. I started seeing Charlie. Yes yes I know don’t shit where you eat. I had young kids and didn’t party I only met my coworkers I was to shy to go meet people. Eventually after Charlie moved out or state it became a long distance thing. I stayed committed and faithful though. Didn’t see anyone come my way. Charlie had moved with his kids mother. I found out from a former coworker that worked for him. It was confirmed via aol and a search engine. I lost faith in him and I moved to another state myself.
I never severed the ties when I should have. He passed by where I then lived on his way back to the city. That’s where things fell apart. My former friend who helped me in the state didn’t like him and basically made me suffer. I didn’t know Charlie was passing thru and he was only there two days. In any case lesson learned and I learned who she was too.
I waited a few months for my kids to finish school before coming back to the city myself. Charlie still called me. I was lonely no one but my best friend and my mom called when I was out on a place with no one.
I came back to the city and Charlie had met another girl two days before I came back to the city. I found out via MySpace. He told me that June. I didn’t cut him off. I guess I let the emotional abuse consume me. I needed this man I thought. Anyway like I’ve said before when I met Danny I cut off Charlie that was five years ago. Well Charlie is still with that girl too..
So I guess what bugs me is that everyone I dated that after it ends the next girl is the one. People told me that I can’t say anything because you don’t know if people are truly happy but hey if it last a while I hope it is. I hate being the one before the one they will choose that’s the part that hurts. I want to be the one. I am sick of being the one to set it before hand.
It seems just the case. Danny is pursuing Lana despite their trust issues I guess they’ll be happy too. He didn’t stop his ways for me but I guess when Lana made him look stupid and she showed him she was taking the crap he decided to try and man up.
I know none of these relationships were worth saving but I’m tired of not being the one. I’m tired of failing.


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