Feeling like..

It’s actually a miracle that right now my mind is not worrying about my ex at all. It’s actually in a good place. That’s a good thing. But I’m stressed out like crazy.

So this older guy in my building gives me a ride to work. He knows my ex they worked for the same company. He knows my family. So I took the ride. He’s a preacher. Yes he has the papers to prove it. He asks if the ex is paying on the car I said yes. At least that was that on that. He knows my daughters situation and tells me that there isn’t anyway I can take care of that child with no help anymore. I explain it’s all a waiting game etc now. I continue to keep my eyes on the road. He asks what was I doing about getting my actual license. I said it hasn’t crossed my mind. I have a permit but I need lessons and I can’t afford the driving school anymore.

Then the big kicker he tells me I’m gaining weight. I didn’t get mad besides he told me I could tell him to shut up at anytime. I said I know. I’ve put on ten pounds since March. Belie me I don’t want to gain anymore weight. I feel like crap daily. I don’t plan to buy new clothes to fit a bigger frame I told him. I told him it’s the mind that is getting to me. I damn drink Pepsi too much. Kit Kats too. Bread. I don’t eat like a fat ass. I eat maybe one meal a day. Then snack stupid shit at work. I barely eat breakfast. I’m short under 5’4 and yes over 150. I’m not trying to get down to the weight that the charts says I should be. I need too lose the fifteen and I will be fine. I can’t stand putting on a nice top and I get this muffin top! I had been heavier six years ago but depression lost me the weight. I liked my frame. Now I’m hating it and I don’t want to be at this weight.
I have to clear my head first. Then once I do that I know I can work on the rest.
I just really want to stop feeling like crap. I don’t want to be in pain or have headaches daily. That’s just getting to me.

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