Almost six months tomorrow since we split. I knew it was doomed for months prior. I just felt something from him I never felt from anyone else. I never broke it off with anyone ever so I stuck it out.

If I would have listened to everyone I could have saved myself the headaches and heartbreak tears and pain. If not for the good old internet I would not have seen the latest thing that tore me apart. If I would have deleted his number and all social media contact I would have been ok. Except my stubborn heart kept thinking he’s gonna come back he will. He didn’t. Sure he came back for once a month sex.
I wish my mind would occupy itself. It’s so hard when there’s so much turmoil around. I want to ask questions and get answers but I know what I ask might have half truths to it and the answers will sting. I want to say spitefully, you think it will work. I want to call her up and tell her what he’s done all this time. I know when a woman is truly in love what another woman might say is pure jealousy to her and she will still stand by her man. Friends say he will hurt her also but I admit yes I’m hurt so that should hurt. I don’t believe he can change. I believe that he’s trying to make a name for himself but because of her status he tries to be better. He told me today he wants kids now but not sure of marriage. I can’t see a legal eagle dropping her job to pop out babies.
But just let me know if I’m wrong. Your in a relationship from 2009 and you decide to end it five days before Christmas. Then you have an anniversary with the other girl and it’s two years. So there really wasn’t a relationship. Funny how I now see how when he dated her how I was picking up the bills more. Since it’s hard to have two women. Maybe family will like him since I’m not that annoying girl on Facebook always tagging him in posts you know?
Hey what can I say I got out alive. My heart is still beating but my mind and soul want to emotionally die. I’m not I’m stronger than suicide but it’s a hurt I can’t bear to feel.
Yesterday I found a person that I use to talk to years ago. When aol and all that had chats. I use to text with this guy on a two way pager I had. I was too scared back then so I went with Charlie and this guy went with a girl for three years. She cheated on him he told me. We all know Charlie’s story. Now we found each other he wants to take care of me. I don’t know. I did spend time last night crying my eyes out over the ex and he didn’t care. He wants a life long partner. I don’t know if I’m needing to get out of my situation of a single mom in an overcrowded space or I’m scared to let someone do this. Do I feel I’m settling or do I let our paths cross and say bye again. He’s a hard worker and an EMT and works like crazy. He told me he’s loyal like a puppy. I’m only scared that my love for the ex won’t diminish I won’t love again and if the ex ever comes crying to me I won’t be strong enough to not have sex with him.

I’m a mess. I’m a damn mess.


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