Monthly Archives: August 2014

The asshole within

I talk to my friend that I’ve known since I was eleven. Explain what happened over the week. What she replied was blunt and made me feel like the biggest ass that ever lived.

“He gets something from u big time even if it’s not physical. He gets his ego fluffed. He gets to walk around thing the got all these women out there that just want to be with him whenever he snaps his fingers. U being around ensures he never gets depressed and lost with that feeling that hey, maybe I’m not good enough or I’m guna be alone forever”

“U have all these feelings.The sadness & loneliness and I don’t see him around supposing u. Instead he tells u fucked up things about a girl he is fucking to then fuck u mentally. Messed up”

“Take what I wrote w a grain of salt if u want. I’ve never been anything but on ur side & honest w u. I’m really upset about these decisions u made. I really hope u do what’s best for you. U are a smart, beautiful, responsible woman. U deserve more than what that uv got outta life so far. It’s not too late to make it right. U got the potential & u got the stuff. U got to stop letting those bad emotions just take over all the time”

I let him stay around in my life so it’s my fault. Why can’t break ups be about it’s over that’s it? I don’t call him or text or anything. He does but I do reply. Yes I miss the shit out of him. I’m lonely. My phone is silent all the time now. So I entertain him. My suffering is my fault. Why be cruel? I think I’m done with my life. It’s just a joke and I’m to blind to see the truth. All I do is attract men that leech onto me and play games knowing it’s over. Wait wait it’s because I let them. What fucking kind of human being can’t move on to the next broad and still playing games with their ex. There’s something wrong with me? No there’s something wrong with them too.

Fuck it.

Advertisements

Goodbyes

Today was the funeral. I took my twin daughters and my best friend. We traveled the one and a half hours to the Bronx via the train. When we got off the train I passed the girl who dated Austin before me. First time I had seen her in person.

We walked towards the church. I wasn’t sure how I was going to be since I wasn’t exactly nice to him on Thursday. I signed my name on the sheet and I walked in. Out of the corner of my eye he was sitting talking to his current girlfriend or whatever they consider themselves. He stood up as soon as he saw me. She looked up too. We took a seat. He came up to all four of us. He expressed his gratitude. I told him I was sorry for arguing with him. He nodded. More people came in and more people. His other ex comes in and she really knew his father. She broke down by the casket. He consoled her. I can’t go near a casket like that it’s been a fear of mine. So I stayed in my seat. Before the service began Austin brings the chick up to a closer seat arm and arm. So she was in my eye sight but on the other side. She sat alone.

The service was beautiful. Words spoken made you think. I was crying so much. At times I couldn’t help it. I was so sad for the family. They really had a great father. His nieces and nephews sat a few pews ahead of me. I saw faces of those I knew also his aunt and uncle. His cousins. At the end of the service they let one final viewing. Since I only got to tell his sister and him that I was sorry, I hesitated at first to go up. I watched family members go up, his other ex went up. Annie actually stops her on the way around to talk to her. I kind of was like what the heck was that about. Trying to get all nice with one of his exes. I decided to go and right as I went I turn to see if my girls were behind me. Nope it was Annie. I was miffed. Annie let my girls and my friend come through behind me. I hugged Austin again and his family this time. Not knowing what else to say. I returned to my seat. The service ended.

When the procession of the casket followed by the family we all followed in pew order. My heart broke when his nephew whose five runs and grabs Annie’s hand. My daughter had also said when he hugged her it was a living hug. So it hurt. We went outside where it was crowded. I didn’t want to just leave. I stood there a few minutes. I made my way up to Austin and told him I’m sorry I have to go. He knows I don’t drive and there’s no way I could make it to where the cemetery is. So hug number three there was. We walked off I peaked at Krystal, the car I co signed and I just walked towards the subway. Feeling very sad for the family. Feeling as though I could do more. Feeling as though I should be there too. It is what it is right?

He sent me a message an hour ago thanking us for coming and supporting the family. I just simply replied your welcome.

Disgusted

I’ve had my full of emotional abuse. It’s horrible and the worst type of abuse out there besides physical abuse though. I really can’t deal with it anymore. Yet at times I’m blinded by my feelings for my ex.

Now the tables are turned. This idiot he’s with plays him for a fool. Or he’s ever so “pussy whipped”. He called me Wednesday to tell me about the funeral that what day it would be. Then he goes in deep about the girl. I stayed quiet the whole time. Seems she’s been a bit of a prick throughout the whole death of his father. It wouldn’t make any sense to rant on useless details about what he said. He tells me that’s the last straw it’s over.

So I send him a text to see how he was last night and the next thing I hear is. Hey she’s coming she apologized. Yea the girl was a prick was gonna disrespect your whole family but once again she’s made her 999 mistake and it’s ok. So I let him have it. I know it wasn’t the right time since he was grieving but I snapped. This whole week that has past I’ve been someone to comfort him. I’m sick of being number two. When she acted like a prick he called me to pick up the pieces. Time after time she can ignore his calls or treat him dirty but yet he’s so dense to her and the games. What happened to the man I once knew. What the hell does she got over him. I’m saddened to see someone I once knew as a strong individual fall prey to a conniving bitch.
It hurts like hell. I now have to decide to go to the funeral or just not. I can’t see why I should go. I met him a few times. I was told by him a lot or things said by his family. So I sent a card why am I supporting them regardless. Maybe though it’s spiteful and cruel this is the only way to cut my ties. I’m sorry about his loss but I can’t be there for leftovers. I wish he would realize that she is not the one. That isn’t my choice to make. It just hurts because I can’t stand to deal with this anymore.

Karma?

I don’t know what to believe in anymore. Two people just told me that karma is what led to this. My ex his father passing.

This is what one person said to me..
That was destined to happen. The timing is the karma not the loss of his father. Now shit will fall in place and finally see who’s there and who isn’t.

I begin to wonder. He seems to know who really was there for him. But karma? Even if it was the timing and not the death.. I guess we will never know.

Perspective

Had a talk today with the reverend. He saw me as I was coming back to the building. He had been away. I filled him in on some parts of my life and he told me how his trip was.

Austin had asked me to tell him about his father. So not breaking my promise I did. So being the man from the south living in NY for over fifty years he tells me things. The reverend had this theory about life. That you aren’t the same person you were five years ago. I had to think back. He’s correct. I wasn’t that type of person. If I go back ten years I wasn’t who I am now.

The reverend mentioned how we all have meaning and purpose. The tale of people coming into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime. So that’s one thing that I had believed in. But to me it wasn’t a season to me. It’s a reason and that you can’t change. I had to think. My story. My story.

I’m sure it’s a puzzling thing. I’ve sat watching Dr. Who with my kids and there was an episodes where they talk about stories. Not the fairy tale kind. My story isn’t over. There’s much to tell that’s why it leads this way. I finally feel that I know what in suppose to do now. Why things aren’t always the way I want it to be.

His Grief

He stopped by my house last night. Needing someone to talk to. He was up 36 hours or more. He was a total mess. My daughter ran down before I did. She went and gave him a big hug. He was pacing in circles. I didn’t know what to do. I sent my daughter back upstairs so that him and I could talk. He doesn’t know what to do now. All I could tell him, is take your time things will fall into place. 

I’m not used to consoling people. So I kept telling him that it will be ok. I hate that phrase. “It will be ok” No one wants to hear that ever. Is it ok right now? No but we all know things do get better with time. I stood there pacing with him, crying with him. When he started shaking uncontrollably then I put my arms around him and told him to breathe, slow deep breaths. I hugged him as tight as I could. He didn’t hug me back. I guess that did hurt me. It is all about him anyway. I just wish he would have. It made me feel that the bond we have is all but a bond. But I would hope he would never lose sight in knowing how much I cared. I do hope he will be alright. Even if I am not the one he wants anymore. I hope that I am more than the go to girl in tough situations. 

I know he will be alright soon. I just wish I knew what more I could do. He drove off into the night faster than I had ever seen. 

Monday

It must be Monday. Hey Monday I don’t have a problem with you. My favorite cartoon cat does. Monday your just a new week to me. To everyone else they’re attitudes spew the worst.

I didn’t realize how many songs sang about Mondays! At least I knowin have two. Manic Monday by The Bangles and Monday, Monday by The Mamas and Papas. So Monday I truly enjoy you.

Monday brings out the harshness and craziness in some people. Monday it shouldn’t be your fault. It’s sad that people look forward to Friday to have fun but who looks towards you in that way. You’re still great to me. I enjoy the solitude you bring. It’s quiet and peaceful.

Oh Monday I’m glad when you pop around it tells me that it’s another week another chance to try again. Thanks for being there Monday!

No answer

Lately unless I really need to talk to someone I won’t answer the phone. If I know you well I will. Other than that if we don’t speak on a regular basis don’t bother.

So Monday the girl whose marrying the guy for his papers, well I found out Monday she did marry him.. That’s another story but not for my blog. Kept calling my phone to ask someone a question. I wanted to punch her. Like call the store not my phone speak to someone. Ass. Thursday she called but I had a long day at work and passed out at nine. She leaves no message. Saturday she calls while I’m at yoga and no message. So it can’t be important. I’m just like what do you want. I won’t call back because it’s a waste of my time.

Sunday I was scheduled earlier than normal. So I was going to wake up a quarter to eight a blocked caller decided to make that wake up call earlier. At 7:21am My phone rings. Blocked call the caller ID says. So yea I picked up, but I was like hmmm, I don’t feel like speaking. So I had it on mute on my end. For a minute they stayed on. I finally heard some background noise. Another eighteen seconds they hung up. No call back. At 10:29p last night the same thing. Except this time I wasn’t in a mood. I let it ring until my voicemail picked up. No message left.

So it could be anyone. It could be Austin’s current or whatever she is to him lover. It’s not Austin we spoke for other reasons this afternoon. Could it be the crazy guy Camilio? It could be any weird guy. It could be the hospital. I have a relative in one but at those hours I doubt it. So I try not to rack my brains. iPhones don’t have anything to prevent unknown, unavailable calls. Unless the phone Is jail broken. I’m not paying for an app. Hope it’s not a constant thing. Whomever it is, take a hint.

Struggling

Not in a great mood. Struggling today. I don’t want to be outside I don’t want to do much at all. I finally had a chance to see the doc for a yearly physical. He comments on my weight. Yes I gained about ten pounds in the past nine months. My stupid brain is holding me back. I’m not a compulsive eater but I down Pepsi lately especially this week like it’s alcohol.

I know I can lose the weight I’ve done it number out times. Just this one isn’t a fight I wanted to be in. Yea suck it up right. Can’t always pine after a dickhead. If life could throw one problem at you, that be good. I have the weight of the world it seems. It’s
Literally eating me alive. The depression I feel at this moment it’s bad really bad. I want to get out the funk.

Yoga class in fifteen minutes not psyched to go. Promised my friend. I want to hide and do nothing but the reviews for this place suggest to me there is barely arm room length and it’s crowded. Hiding I won’t be lucky. I could fake being sick? Sigh. I hate feeling shitty.

Why can’t it just all go away..