Emotional Roller Coaster

So I’m beginning to feel like I have my highs and lows. I really hate it. I’m glad that yesterday didn’t make me depressed. Instead I did slowly make my way to work. I got to work I was cracking jokes. Nothing like knowing that even though I was dealing with shit I made it through.

I went to sleep last night feeling shaky and weak. I had it with Austin. I was watching the same episodes of criminal minds that have repeated the past few weeks. Just the episode alone I watched just made me think about people and their mental well being. I fall asleep near two in the morning. I wake up about a half hour later a text from my sister. I was mad when I looked at the title of the text. ” mental health helpline”. I was like did someone tell her what’s going on? She lives states away and we aren’t close at all. I played the file I was in tears it was hysterical. I can’t thank my sister enough.

I wake up about five or so check my phone, it’s a habit. Austin texts me two hours prior, thanks for calling him a coward he is one. I go back to sleep. At ten he texts again that he’s light headed and his pressure is up. Sheesh. At least when I dated him we never fought and things were cool. Date the other chick and he’s fucked up like he’s on drugs. It’s a shame. It’s a shame to see someone you love, turn into someone you don’t recognize. That some person can change a person. I feel bad in some small ways. I feel bad that this compassionate person has turned into a douche bag. I know how he is. Isn’t how he was. It just escalated.

I don’t understand and will never understand how someone that could have been the love of your life. Could turn into someone totally different. It’s so sad. I wish that if relationships had to end that none have to be so bad. Oh well.

He said he was gonna fuck up his liver tonight. I said ok. I mean what more can I do. Friends, my friends and one ex coworker of his just said he’s an asshole. Sigh. So I was bummed a while.

Work was crazy. My supervisor had me laughing. My coworker got me a nice slice of pizza for lunch. When I was reading in the back someone comes to see me. I was told I had a visitor. I brushed it off thinking it was crazy Camilio from Thursday. I head to the restroom. There’s Gary. We talk. Gary’s ex wife worked with me. Sadly she was an addict and did clean up was married for a while she relapsed and totally collapsed left the job and went back to her ex ex. She was a nice girl I really liked her. We talked about things, the kids. I’m really trying to hurry at this point I had to punch back in. Gary asks me to take his number down. So I’m like ok let me use the bathroom. So I go and he rings my phone while I’m in there. I hate that. He leaves me a voicemail. I never checked the message until 4 hours later. He’s asking me out.. So now it’s do I go out on a date with Gary? I’ve never dated someone’s ex of anything. I guess I have a week to say yes or no anyway.
I missed my bus home tonight but I walked home. I saw things that made me smile and I just felt such a relief. I was still thinking how sad it is that Austin is how he is but music and songs can totally make you feel powerful. I made it home with strength. I’m not weak tonight. I’m gonna be ok.

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