Monthly Archives: September 2014

Alone

Can we find joy being alone? Can we find ourselves alone? Can we survive life alone! Should we really be alone?

The key word here is alone. No one wants to be alone. We all know someone who is. There are people who never seem to have anyone their whole lives. I don’t want to be that person. Sure I have kids, family and friends. I do want companionship though.

I really can’t see looking ahead if my future is even bright. I’m not even sure if I’m on the right path anymore. I keep thinking I’m making major u turns and backing up but never going forward. I can’t expect things to grab me in the face and say here I am!

My moms never remarried. I think she could have. I guess I feel bad in so many ways for her. I work with men who are in their 40’s and up and are single too. Actually they’re quiet quirky. They say they’re is someone out there for everyone. I truly feel that I must be blind or blindly waiting for a miracle!

I can probably find a bunch of alone songs too that can make you depressed by just hearing the lyrics. I can’t see why I’m letting it hurt me. After all the problem wasn’t with me. He was looking for better and what he found was worse. I guess it’s just timing now. A waiting game. A game I’m not interested in playing or waiting for an outcome.

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At this point

If I would have known how crazy people get with breakups, maybe I should have studied psychology. I’m emotionally drained from being a therapist to others and not even thinking about myself.

I know that we all go through different things. I know about the different stages of grief. There is a point however that reality needs to set in. How can you blame the world for problems? Death or even breaking up from a loved one is taken in a similar form of grief. Though it’s not the same the feelings you feel afterwards are.

Being a target or a punching bag isn’t something I signed up for. Now that the anger part is happening I’m viciously getting attacked. Of course I could ignore it and just let it be. But some of things said just are low blows and hurts like hell. There isn’t anyway I’m taking that. I know the reaction isn’t meant though. What should I do? At this point I don’t have a clue. I don’t want to leave them alone but I know I have to and hopefully they’ll come around. It just sucks being there for everyone and I’m neglecting my own self to make sure that everyone else is coping.

The Neighbor

I’ve lived in my building about eleven years. I don’t really talk to any neighbors honestly. I just work come home. I don’t like to make myself known. Some people are too nosy.

The guy in the apartment next door has two kids and a wife. Ever since he met me he always wanted to be my friend. If you spoke to him, the way he says friend makes you know he is seriously lonely and wants the friends with benefits. His kids are in high school. His wife he says doesn’t want him nor his kids. No one but his dog hangs out with him.

My mother calls the neighbor a dirty old man the way he talks to me. He always comments on how I look. Oh you look nice, how beautiful I am and my weight. That I lost some. He must be on crack because I’ve gained ten pounds since the spring. At least he said lost! Haha! Who wants to hear you gained weight! He constantly asks me if I’m still with my boyfriend. I lie. I say yes. I really don’t need him trying to get in my pants as he already wants to be there.

If I didn’t have another place to go I would tell this dude off. My living situation is the way it is due to some unfortunate events. I mind my business so mind yours. If he’s unhappy he needs to fix that himself. Sorry but I’m not interested and who the heck are you trying to make my life any harder. Get a friend. Call an escort. I can’t help you. Plain and simple.

Do you believe?

I find myself puzzled lately. Confused and even unsure of things. Are the things that happening, fate, just coincidental or just life at its moment. I guess it’s however we all take how we feel in regards to our situations.

In late July and early August, my ex and I were talking but he started to talk to her again so I began to just pull away. No matter what I did though, I ran into people, places and saw trucks and businesses that had the name “Austin” which is his name. So it literally bugged me out.

I had started to speak to some guys, just talk but I didn’t see potential. One guy who had wanted to date me had a stroke in July. I know that’s health wise but it just was so weird. Just random things happened when people wanted to talk to me. So in my head I felt like this was something telling me that my time with Austin isn’t done just yet. Too many little things that bring us together.

Now his father is gone. He’s encountered after the fact one day fighting with the chick hours after the burial because she brought up nonsense, his fan just out the blue shutting off. He took that as a sign about her.

So I don’t know if my mind wants me to be in his life still that little occurrences I attribute to it saying hey you guys need to be around each other.. Sometimes I wish a “sign” or something could be more clearer..

Sigh.

So tired

So I haven’t felt like doing much lately. I’m just drained. I worked six months with no vacation at all. My coworkers had taken long vacations and the store would not let anyone else go at the same time because we were short staffed. So my vacation was one where I stayed home. Wasn’t to bad but it didn’t exactly leave me feeling refreshed.

I wanted to blog but I wasn’t in a mood. I wasn’t in a mood to just whine and bitch. I guess the past few months where my life just hit rock bottom I just didn’t want to be that whiney girl. Eh I don’t care who doesn’t like my blog. I don’t need that. This is an outlet for me to just release my thoughts before my head explodes.

A couple of weeks ago an Australian author posted how he would be in front of NYC public library on 42nd and Bryant Park. I never read his books but my friend had. She begged me to get his autograph since she couldn’t because she lives in Southern California. So it was nice because when I got there, only ten people were standing on the line. The author, silly me, his name is Matthew Reilly. I got his autograph and I told him that I honestly had no clue who he was or what book he wrote. He told me when I told him that when shit happens I get writers block. He told me to write whatever I want.
Hopefully my writers block disappears and I can happily just write until I have nothing more to say.

The one

The one Whose there to catch you fall
The one who consoles you
The one who can lift you up
The one you need
The one you turn too
The one who won’t let you down
The one willing to risk it all
The one who tries
The one who cries
The one who does it all but takes no credit
The one who knows where to be

Always the one but never going to be the one. Not the number one. You’re not good enough.

Birthday wishes

You begin to rethink your life. In the event of tragedy. Maybe it’s not my own personal one but it does hit so close to home that you make the decisions and changes. I had a pretty hard one yesterday.

Since my exes father died it was to think about my own estranged relationship with my father. I’m not sure if I would have taken the chance but maybe I would. So yesterday was my birthday. I’m on my way to the city. I have cell service in the subway. So I see someone inboxed me on Facebook. So I sign in on safari. It’s my father.

Dad: ……….
Me: ?
Dad: happy birthday bye

Did I just read that correctly?! Why did he even bother. I didn’t even reply. I just was not going to let it ruin my day. I just don’t understand how people think anymore.

I had dinner with my ex. We talked a lot he talks a lot about his dad. So I showed him what mine did. He didn’t understand it. I didn’t realize talking about it would bring me to tears. I told him at least your father cared about you. Your father was around for you. So he saw my tears. Guess some people are luckier then others in situations.

Who knows how long all of us will be around. I can try and try to fixed my father daughter relationship but will it be worth it?

Mind of a man

Would I ever want to think like a man? You know what no. The ones I’ve dealt with honestly I would never want to be in their heads. So you have to wonder.
Imagine a relationship that you guys were close. But it wasn’t ideal because situations as in the living situation weren’t so ideal. So the man decides to seek better. Can you tell me what’s better? A college degree? Would you tell your girl.. I dumped you to do better? There isn’t better to me. Behind anyone stands true colors. When better isn’t necessarily good and it turns out to be hell bent. Was it worth it?

Honestly a wonderful great relationship with a woman you love should never end because you refuse to try. All relationships have their ups and downs. Couples make things work. Why would a man look for better when he had the best. Explain the common sense of that one. I’m not making assumptions or answering the questions I’ve asked it just is a question that the men who choose this path must find within themselves. Give up and start a new never to find what you had or be miserable due to failure.

Feeling Content

I finally feel content for the first time in my life. I don’t know why but it just feels peaceful to not have stress. Though there still is much stress around it’s not getting to me.

I’m not in a mood to ex boyfriend rant right now. Though I can’t even begin to say the twists and turns the past two weeks have been. While what’s been going on isn’t exactly what I expected I don’t necessarily feel it’s a bad thing. I think it’s actually good.

It’s a good way to fuel the fire in me. I have a drive to want to be and do things. Even finding that niche and know what I want now. I know I am no longer vulnerable. I know I’m not insecure. I’m grateful for what I have. To be able to live a life. Not judge people by mistakes. To not sit and dwell over something because something is over. You can just choose to walk away. Sometimes walking away is better than antagonizing the situation.