Monthly Archives: October 2014

Mistress isn’t always what you think

So this girl I work with who married the guy to get his green card talks about him and a man she has been talking too.
She calls him a mis “stress” the other guy. He’s married and has two biological kids and one step daughter with his wife. But he talks to my coworker. She will tell you the story. They only went as far as kissing but she has deeper attachment. Yet this man is one of those who has no balls. If wife says have no friends, he has no friends. If wife says quit the second job he will. He has done that. He left his second job because his wife told him too.

He will bitch and whine but it’s so sad that he’s so arrogant. When I first met him I could not stand how he thought his shit didn’t stink. Now that he no longer works with us I can’t stand a man who is a pussy so it’s pitiful. He contacts my friend through his job email only. Talking on a personal level. He is one of those she has my kids. I don’t want to be a failure as a father. You have choices to make. Make them. Don’t stay unhappy because of someone. Be a man.

As for my friend, the greencard marriage. It isn’t a great one. He isn’t around and doesn’t do much for her. How anyone puts themselves in that position makes no sense. He forgot her birthday didn’t do anything for her. Even if the marriage is just for papers think to yourself is it worth it? Being tied down when who knows you will find the right one. She says she cares but her bitching out weighs her love for green card man. She’s been dealing with ex coworker the same time she’s been with that other. You can’t give either a chance.

Either which way.. Being a mistress isn’t a situation anyone should want.

Sayonara friend

Super shout out to my ex friend..

Get your head out of your ass. If you were not trying to perfect your whole life maybe you would have realized it sooner.

I feel sad that you had to throw my kids in riot act. Our friendship has nothing to do with you acting like a saint. Your in fact acting like you are holier than though.

Sorry but you have no kids. You don’t know how to be a parent. You in fact have no business trying to tell me how to be. All you know is how to use people and manipulations to get things.

I really don’t miss you.. Peace

From where I am

I’ve been freely letting emotions out Rather then write a story. I really don’t care if anyone reads my blogs or not. It’s an outlet for me to release my fears and emotions. If I didn’t have it I’d do nuts.

I can say it’s been a month. I’ve spent a lot of time with my ex. I’ve been the go to girl. Since Annie is supposedly a distant memory be hits me up to talk. I try not to judge. I know he’s grieving. His life is more of a mess than it ever was. I don’t try to say but you did this and that. You know what I’m over that. Just talk. So that’s where I stand I observe. We spent almost my whole birthday week doing things. He even came to the hospital when my oldest was rushed passing out in school.

Most recently he has his moments. I can tell you I miss his confidence I know when he’s depressed. His talk is of being alone and just negative things. Sometimes the words cut me like a knife. It attacked him so much he had an anxiety attack. I of course rushed to the hospital when he was having the chest pains and could not breathe. I stayed until day break. I took the next day off to care for him. He asked me to call make his doctor appointment saying I was his girlfriend. Crazy? I could make the appointment does it matter who I am. I am not your girlfriend.

The day after he sees the doctor. They find inflammation around his heart. They send him home with Motrin. Now days have passed. He called me up so much to find out what he should do and eat etc. I’m not a doctor. I tried my hardest. I headed back to the doctor with him this past Monday. He was given an echo cardiogram. So we waited. It’s Friday. He’s withdrawn. Sulking. The weathers been icky and he can’t return to work without paperwork.

His depression is making him not a person I like to be around. I told him I was there for you because I always said I would. The fact that now you want to go back to work, instead of getting off your butt finding out what you can do in the meantime you attack verbally with negative words things that are hurtful. I’ve done everything a wife would do. I was able to handle him but I just broke yesterday. I’m so tired.

I honestly don’t expect anything. Why I stay is only something I can answer myself. I’m sure everyone will have opinions. Yes he’s a big boy. He can do it on his own. I’m sure if I removed myself from his life he would be ok too. After all I’m his piece of comfort that he keeps.

I do believe that things happen for reasons. I think he does need the rest and clarity. I can’t say by me being there will it mean anything to him. It’s just an unappreciative gesture.

I do hope he feels better soon.. Right now it’s my turn to try to feel better.

Depression

Woke up in despair today. Couldn’t seem to wonder where I was. All I knew is that everything inside ached. Why couldn’t it be all a dream I wondered. It’s such a terrible feeling.

I looked in the mirror. I couldn’t stare at my reflection. My eyes they don’t shine like they use too. They seem soulless. My smiles hidden too. Where did it all go.

There’s pain the heart, pain in the shoulders and neck. Is it real pain or is my mind playing tricks. I sometimes wish they would find something wrong with me. I stay at my window. I long to be happy. I go back lay in my bed. I want to sleep. Just sleep until I can’t asleep anymore.

Dear depression. You are unwanted. I’ve never asked of you to be here. Stop ruining my life. It doesn’t answer. Please leave I cry. I want it all back. I want it all back. I just cry and sob.

The effect

They treat you like shit. They think making fun of you is cool. Being called names isn’t fun. What have you done to deserve such treatment. All you’ve been was there. Now you get name calling. Really sucks. They know a low blow.
I’m sorry I kinda offended you they say. Kinda? It was more than that. Treated you with such careless disrespect. Offended. No hurt. Apologies? Unacceptable.

Remember when it was done to you. How it made you feel inside? Remember the way it hurt and burnt your soul. Now it’s only a weak ass defense mechanism. You aren’t happy. So how they treat you, you treat others. A cycle. Endless cycle. You’ve gone and become your abuser. Congratulations. How do you feel now?

Game Over

Let me check the score.
Wait?! No winner?! Are you kidding?
There’s no tie either. No one won. No runner up.

I think you thought that you could win? Didn’t you. You tried so hard but it didn’t work to your advantage. Deceit and lies my sweet where has that gotten you.

As for me I wasn’t playing. I wasn’t an active participant. So even though I’m sure I could have won. I didn’t. Instead what I want isn’t what I want. It’s broken. Withered. Done. It has no fight.

I try and heal what’s broken. It may repair like a fracture. Scars always there. But the prize isn’t a prize. It’s a human life. Not someone to toy with.

So now things are quiet and I look around. I find that there’s always going to be some hurt still there..

Come on NY!

So I’m a New Yorker. I hail from Queens, Ny. I ride the trains and buses. The MTA is my ride around town. If you’re not a New Yorker well we aren’t too bad. We are good people. It’s just some little habits that some of us do that people need to stop.

So having a car in the city is impossible. You either can’t find parking If you do have one. There’s at least three fire hydrants on one block. There’s so many drive ways for some but not enough spaces or you have alternate side parking. Where they come by with the big machine to clean the street. If you’re lucky you might get that twice a week. Some folks suffer four times a week.

So dear New York bus riders. We all love personal space. But no matter what hour of the day buses can get crowded. There are always buses filled with people that sit in the first seats behind the driver. The sign above says won’t you please give these seats up to the elderly or disabled. I can’t tell you how many times I see a teen or grown person sitting there. Totally ignore an elderly person who should have that seat.

We also have the bus riders who stare blankly ahead. Sit where there are two seats. But have this look like, I’m on the outside. I’m not sitting in by the window. I will be trapped if I sit by the window. So they sit on the outer seat. Getting one of these people to actually let you sit by the window is a task too. Some will move in. Some will get up so you can have the window seat. Some will only slightly turn their legs and body so you can scoot in. Now that you made the decision to have that window seat, my friend what’s your escape route?

So it’s time to get off. You’re by the window. You can say excuse me. Some people get up. I do that. Then we have the jerks. So a few years ago I was on the bus. I always move in by the window. This girl sits next to me. So I don’t like waiting for the last second to get off. After we move from the stop before mine, I get up. So this girl didn’t get up. She simply turned her body. I’m not skinny but I’m not super heavy either. I’m medium frame. She still has her feet sticking out. So giving her an F for effort. I had no choice. I stepped on her foot and my bag smacked her. Some people can have courtesy. Imagine going to a sporting arena and someone needs to get to that seat in the middle of that row. You don’t get up. You deserve the ultimate smack down.

Moving to the back of a crowded bus. God forbid anyone wants to stand. They just simply do not move no matter how crowded the bus gets.

If you seen anything on New York and rush hour just picture everything going by super fast and time lapsed. Most of the time we all go the same way. Big station we need to get off. Most People are impatient. So many people pile off the subway. Pile on the stairs to out beat each other to the street. Problem is. While people go sometimes two to four across to head up. Sometimes there are people that need to go down and use that side of the subway that you just came from. This my friend is like fighting. Forces are truly against you!

Today I was going home after taking my daughter to the ER for a school related injury. As I’m heading down the narrow stairs on the 7 train line, Main Street station. Passengers are barreling up. So I have to make my presence known. I’m down 3/4 of the way when one person won’t move. Instant smack with my bag. So I’m down but my daughter isn’t down. These people would not let her down. I told her to push. My god. Move to the right people. Etiquette! Needless to say I missed the train. I hate being rude but it’s a survival tactic for surviving public transportation!

A few weeks ago, I watched as coming out of another station in Queens, we are all going up. Yes people are going down too. This station has wider stair cases so it’s not too bad. So a lady with a disabled child, autistic is walking up. The child needs to hold on at all times. So she holds on. She has 3 more steps to climb. A woman with a stroller and two people and a kid are just standing on that side. Blocking it. Ready to go down. So whichever way you look at it, they’re on the wrong side. Go down on the right. But she was going down on the left. So the child has no choice needed a place to put her hands for sensory. The child grabbed the woman she was offended. The child’s mother said, if you weren’t going down the wrong side she wouldn’t have done that. She said if you had common sense you would have gone down the proper side. It wasn’t her daughters fault. Why should she explain why or apologize!

Simply as New Yorkers sometimes I don’t get why we act this way. My rant today.

You could do better

We always want the bad.
But We want it because it feels so good.

You can do better. Why waste time on a person who you can’t trust? Why waste time getting to know someone who only tells you half truths.

Years later you’re still dropping her at the corner. Something’s gotta give? What’s she hiding boy? Not even an invite in. Always getting a nut on the job, in the park or in your dinky room.

Boy what’s she hiding. In that half a million dollar home. She isn’t whom you think she is. She wears a mask. She isn’t true. You’re a passing thrill. Until her high. You’re as dispensable as a pill.

Look in those eyes. There’s evil in those eyes. She can’t tell you her dreams. She says everyone’s dirty. Has she forgotten where she came from. Another story too. Always too good. Not good enough for what’s bad for you. She has to make you that low person.

She’s not real. You found a trap. Oh that lady.. Well Disney was right.. She’s a tramp!

You’ll be just fine. You’ll find better. Maybe you’ll actually remember that what you had previously was better.. But you can do better. Keep that snake at bay.. Walk away never go back.

You’ll do better!

That girl

Quiet
Shy
Miss Goody Two shoes
Never a bad girl

So tired of being that way. Good girls, where does that get us? That halo doesn’t sit pretty on my hair. In fact it sits so crooked.

Is it the bad girls that get all the boys?
The bad attitude
The rudeness
The kiss my ass attitude

Men certainly like to fall victim to these kinds of girls.. Who wants to be a man treated like a puppy for someone whose half heartedly anything.

Good girl? Bad girl? Just want to be myself. If they don’t like it. Fuck it!

Then they can say that girl..
That girl what?
She’s nice?
She’s cool?
She’s crazy or a fool.