Monthly Archives: November 2014

Hahaha

So Letty and Meg are two females. From opposite ends of the states. Ones an east coast gal, ones a west coast gal. They share one thing. They attract jerks for men.

Take Letty for example. Screwing around with a taken married man. Carrying on for such time. She finally lands her man last winter. Letty thought she was sent something special. Letty let a con man into her life. She let him access to her life, her home. He stole her only sons ps3. Sold it. What does Letty do? She eants on facebook, tracks down the guy on all social media and even hacks his facebook. Letty do you really think after you helped ruin a marriage that he be God sent?

Letty uses fb and posts about being single and angry. Sweetie ever notice how some woman never need to post their life statuses? Their single or take. Status? Guess not.

Meg’s been on the run for a bit hopping state to state and wherever she is she lands some action. She claims she wants something real but it only last a month with her. She’s immature and she rather know where the next bag of weed is coming from. She’s the first to meet a dude and change her facebook relationship status to taken. Then no sooner than changing your underwear is it over. Meg maybe if you cared more about yourself and stopped acting like a thug you would attract something decent. If you want a thug that is what you will get and when they treat you like garbage whose choice was it.

Meg and Letty. You have something so interesting In Common. You claim you want to be happy and not single. Both of your actions prove otherwise. You want want want, you bitch bitch bitch. Really? Why don’t you two both grow up and maybe learn how to snag someone worthy and not someone useless.

Social media strikes!

So the one girl that worked at my job, whose in her thirties and her man was just barely legal. Well she got canned. Seems as though she didn’t think. Social media butterfly. Flower in hair. Obscene gesture. Work in the background. Wearing work smocks.

Who knows how it got out but the image was screen shot. She was fired. Who knows who reported her or why. Simply use your common sense. If you publicly post on social media you have to know something will bite you in the butt. You can’t expect it won’t. I guess some people have enemies who wait until a screw up happens to take that opportunity and say look, look what so and so did.

Even though she lives around the block from me I haven’t seen her. Coworkers say her Instagram is full of sad relationship Instagram quotes. Boyfriend woes? Hopefully things work out for her.

Moody

So I’m in a bad mood today. Seems like everyone has an opinion. To me ta like apples and oranges. You know what today I don’t care for anyone’s opinion. Just keep your opinion in your damn head.

So he can be moody, I get moody. I get “what not enough sex??” As a text. I ignored that. Sheesh so damn sorry that we know when a baby cries we check its diaper or see if the baby wants a bottle. Sorry sex won’t brighten my mood. I chose not to elaborate because I know if I say why I can’t be moody he will say you don’t know what I’m going thru. Maybe not entirely but I do know I’ve been there every step of the way and it’s rubbing off on me.
I like opinions and I don’t mind but sometimes it’s a complete shut the hell up I want to say to people. Which is probably why I avoid a lot of topics in my blog. I’m sure I could do and say more if I did. Sometimes I rather just say what I have to say get it off my chest and be done with it.

It’s a fuck it day.
Ugh

Professional Help

So I know now that I don’t really need to be seeing a therapist. My relationships that I have been in, haven’t always been the greatest. I guess I always was questioning why things didn’t work out. Why did men stray or move on? I had the assumption that I guess they are all happy. When I tell friends well how come so and so look so happy. They tell me you don’t know how it is. Pictures you can smile in but who knows the real story behind it.

I was watching the movie Pretty Woman on Saturday. I love the movie. I always watch it whenever it is on. Don’t ask me why it has been on a lot lately. For the first time this line that Edward says ” It Cost me $10,000 in therapy to say that sentence. I was very angry with him.” It struck me. I am telling my therapist so much but am I getting anything out of it. I won’t knock the therapist the only change I see is that I am more of a positive person. The therapist never really judges me about my life. Lately I have missed a few weeks of going. The one week was the therapist would be away. Then I really didn’t feel like going the past two weeks.

So am I wasting money. Maybe. I do know that the last relationship I was in, well the problem was him and the other person he ended up being with even if it was short term. I still deal with him on some levels. I know it doesn’t help but I really don’t know how to totally break free from it. I know he needs more help than me. My friend tells me that he needs to hit rockbottom to see that he needs help. I do wonder if he could benefit from it. I really honestly have no idea what his demons are. Why they are so bad. I believe for me I will go a few more times and then just stop. I know I will be ok. I have dealt with relationships before and survived. I just have to have more faith in me.

Friendships

If it isn’t meant to be to be you know.
Friendships can either stay or diminish over time. Once you find yourself getting annoyed or nitpicking on them. It’s time to reevaluate yourself. You can’t make choices for another grown individual. So don’t try to. If it goes sour or grows apart. Let it go. A part of your life is now behind you.

Goodbye. Farewell. Thanks!

Eh oh well

So I lost a friend. Let me rephrase that. I decided that our friendship was over. Goodbye see you.. All that jazz.

When I was five I was babysat by the lady in the next building. She was nice. She had three girls. One of them my age we were friends. Not best friend closeness but friends. She started calling me a name I never liked. Believe me maybe people like certain names.. But no I didn’t. So when I was old enough we didn’t need to be babysat. We grew apart because I went into a different program in middle school. I was now ahead of her one grade since I skipped a grade.

I saw her now and then in high school. Then one spring in my final year she called me by that nickname and I walked away never looking back. I never explained to her why. Just had enough. I’ve remained friends with her family and have been to birthday parties for her nieces and nephews we briefly spoke but I’m not missing anything.

In my twenties I became friends with a coworker. She was ten years older than me but we hit it off. Lot In common etc. A year later she moves to Florida. I made the effort to do all I can called and was always there. Some years later she moves to the Midwest and I was in a bad relationship that I just got out of she showed me affordable apartments and how I could start my life over there. So I decided to uproot my kids and do so.. I never thought ten years would take a toll on friendship. She wasn’t the same girl I met.

She was married to some country amateur wrestler guy. Her best friend was the guys ex wife. They smoked weed while their kids were in school. Gossiped about everything. I truly had wished I knew before I uprooted my family. This girl used me for money. She disrespected my family and violated my trust. Funny how MySpace was the thing back then. When It all came down to it, she played the I did so and so for you and you were ungrateful. Where in the hell does it say your man can lay his hands on my kid? To make matters worse I stayed for the kids to finish school two months. Her kids and step kids taunted my kids at the bus stop. The day I moved they stood outside chanting “nah, nah, hey hey goodbye” 40 year olds.. Acting like babies. Oh well I didn’t miss her.

Punching Bag

Last weekend was a nice weekend. Despite the fact I was sick as hell. I spent half the day in my own bathroom. But for him I dragged myself out of the house. For him I put on my best face. I put on a smile.

We went to see his mom. She’s doing ok. She hasn’t seen me in months. We talked and things were good. We stayed about an hour. We said goodbye. We went to have dinner. Her asked me to spend the night. I never have. He had asked me before but I couldn’t because I had to be somewhere early the next morning. I said yes even though I had nothing to sleep in.

We came to his place. He got some things ready for dinner. I was feeling sick so I laid in bed. I helped him here and there and laid down some more. He played a movie. I fell asleep while he played the play station. He crawled in bed at 3:30am. It’s been a long time since we slept together. I turned towards him but I didn’t draw myself to him. I slept, better than I have had in months. I could feel his breathing I could sense him there. Even in my sleep I just kept to myself.

I woke up first. I looked at him, woke him up. He told me it was the best sleep he had in a long time. I knew though with me there he would sleep. A sense of security. A sense someone is there. We laughed and got ready. Day seemed perfect..

Monday rolled around. Quiet. No word from him. This only meant one thing. I felt sad inside. I just kept doing my thing but it bothered me. Tuesday came oh there he goes. He needs me. I told him I couldn’t be there, I had a doctor appointment. Family comes first he said. That was all I would hear from him. A few words Wednesday and nothing. Now I’m getting angry. I’ve done so much and I’m getting repaid so shitty. I ask what’s going on? He says PMS. I said you or me. He goes himself..

So the weekend rolls around. To me I think he needs to get out of his job. It’s not what he wants anymore but that’s my opinion. So I stay quiet. But work seems to bring out anger in him. Saturday rolls around. I’m on Instagram and yes I posted a picture about feeling used. He goes I’m using you now? Yea well you are only when you’re in a good mood.

So I finally hear from him. Grief stricken he uses alcohol as coping. So yea every other week I’m his punching bag. He lets his anger out. To the point it’s not going to end well for either of us. Alcohol isn’t the answer. Maybe I’m not either. Walk Away. Walk away. How much more can I take.

Decisions

Moving on, growing up. Realizing what you need and what you don’t. Look at friendships and relationships. Decide what needs to stay and what should go.

Sometimes it’s not an easy task. Do we have to give up these relationships? No not necessarily but if they’re toxic you should. Never be unhappy for anyone at all. We all have our differences. Life isn’t easy. We all know that. Life is tough, but if you’re a constant punching bag for someone leave.

It may or may not hurt when you walk away but you can look at that and say well lessons learned. Think about points in life that were good or bad. You lived you made it.

Don’t worry that some can’t move on. They’ll poke and try to get at you. That’s their problem not yours. Who cares if they go on social media and blast about true whatever. Believe me only certain people need to validate themselves on social media to make others look bad. You’ll be just find.

Walk away, don’t look back. Onto bigger and better things! Never look back!

The Beast Within

He screamed with anger. He yelled and punched at the walls. He had it. The overwhelming grief in his life was to much. The pain in the head, the pain in the chest. He has no more.

I don’t want the pain he says. So he changes the only way he knows how. He becomes uncaring. I have to protect my heart. He knows it’s the only way to harbor his emotions. He’s cold and cruel. Better stand out of his way. He has a bit of the devil inside. I can play the villain. Hate. Nothing but hate.

He’s not a monster he’s not a beast. He’s human. Trying to be a man. Men don’t cry he was taught. Men show no emotion. He has no idea what to do. Anyone who comes his way is a target. Especially those who know him well. The man fights the man wants to cry. The man is so hurt he does not know what to do.

Beast take me alive. I can’t go on this way. I have no life. I have nothing. He does have a life. He has a home. He chose to lay there daily. Sit and watch tv. He can’t make his way out. When he does its for drinking carelessly. The beast is very much alive. It rears its ugly head. Comeback to reality. It will be alright.

I don’t think the beast can be tamed. He’s too wound up. The beast is around. Alive. It doesn’t want to leave.

Hope

Hope
Hoping
Hopefully
Hopelessness

To want what I have had is to hope and dream it will be there. All along these feelings have come my way. They’ve been there, inside. Carrying all that I have around. I feel it all. There are times that I feel like I can’t keep on. I look and I think and I know. The four letters of this word. Is Hope.

I’ve met all types of people from all type of places in this world. I’ve met a girl named Faith, when I had nothing. She Worked for an agency that had the name Hope in it. I knew that when I had nothing that this was my Hope. So I didn’t give up. I made it through.

I can never give up or lose Hope. If I lose it, I lose myself. My Aunt may she rest in peace, her name was Esperanza and my little twin, my niece, her name is Hope. I will never give up. Hope has always brought me up. I know I will be ok.