Category Archives: Blogging

Why

Everyone has different opinions on politics, raising kids and relationships.
What even makes sense now a days. Everything just seems to be dying. Things can’t even be done right. People just die.

Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Screw the answers. Screw the tears. Have I bothered to care about someone who only cares if they’re right.

The faith in humanity there’s none. We are monsters living in skin. What we care for are items or objects that make us look good. Things that give us pleasure for a short time. I’m sure those hundred dollar shoes will get you somewhere in life. We just ate soulless. Lifeless.

I just want to walk away. Not think. Every time I do it’s just bad memories or memories of what’s to come. Leave me here. I will stand alone staring into the blackness of the dark. Empty.

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Is it me?

Another day another dollar. Except where the hell is the dollar. Seems the more I work the less I see. Is it me? What the hell is going on here. I used to be happy go lucky. Yea I could get moody. Yes I am a female. I am also a Virgo. Heck I am everything my sign says I am. Picky you name it. But hell is it me? I  really truly can’t stand people anymore. The amount of common sense seems to have gone out the window. I want to just slap everyone. I think if I did I would still be a bit uptight.

I have no clue why I feel like this. Life isn’t that bad right now. Just nothing is making me happy. Customers at work just seem to irritate the shit out of me. Today one in particular. Can you help me? I was helping my customer who was in front of me. I said I will page you someone. So I do continue helping whom I was helping. The guy interjects well are they coming. Now I am fuming. Really dude. I paged someone I have no idea whose out there. I am here trying to help this guy out. Don’t you know what patience is? Then the annoying one wanders into my cubby hole and starts touching things everything while I am still helping my customer. I page again in front of him. Dude I got this guy already I am trying to help and you’re making this three minute process turn out to be an eternity. Finally when I said where I was is totally separate from the store does he leave. I was extremely irritated.

I can’t seem to find a reason to smile lately. I walk around with a chest full of pain. Everything is ok, so where the heck is this all coming from. I have or I feel like I have anxiety brewing up inside my chest. It is bad enough I stopped drinking my favorite soda Pepsi. I did a nice three month stint and here I am back at it. I’m jumpy and all that too. Fuck it has to be the soda. I could be outside and someone comes from behind me I get so scared. I know I hold the answers to whats bothering me but I can’t even narrow it down.

Is it the kids? Work? Him? Life? Lord if I know. I just want to be able to breathe be normal. But for some reason something just isn’t right. I can’t understand why. So its deeply getting to me. Don’t get me wrong I have been in my job for sixteen years I know how to be friendly and courteous towards people its just how people are now that makes me seriously shake my head. I think its bad enough today, every time I checked my Facebook feed no matter how many times someone said it was a hoax someone would post the status about the privacy feed. I felt smacking the shit out of these idiots. Look its plain and simple. Either delete your account or don’t share public information about yourself. How hard is it to do that?

Maybe it isn’t me, maybe I just need to stop tolerating the world. Like I actually give a hoot? No, honestly don’t care if no one reads this. I don’t care what anyone has to say on what I think or do. I try my damn hardest to do what I can in this world. I wish I had all the time in the world to do what I want to do.

 

fuck it.

From where I am

I’ve been freely letting emotions out Rather then write a story. I really don’t care if anyone reads my blogs or not. It’s an outlet for me to release my fears and emotions. If I didn’t have it I’d do nuts.

I can say it’s been a month. I’ve spent a lot of time with my ex. I’ve been the go to girl. Since Annie is supposedly a distant memory be hits me up to talk. I try not to judge. I know he’s grieving. His life is more of a mess than it ever was. I don’t try to say but you did this and that. You know what I’m over that. Just talk. So that’s where I stand I observe. We spent almost my whole birthday week doing things. He even came to the hospital when my oldest was rushed passing out in school.

Most recently he has his moments. I can tell you I miss his confidence I know when he’s depressed. His talk is of being alone and just negative things. Sometimes the words cut me like a knife. It attacked him so much he had an anxiety attack. I of course rushed to the hospital when he was having the chest pains and could not breathe. I stayed until day break. I took the next day off to care for him. He asked me to call make his doctor appointment saying I was his girlfriend. Crazy? I could make the appointment does it matter who I am. I am not your girlfriend.

The day after he sees the doctor. They find inflammation around his heart. They send him home with Motrin. Now days have passed. He called me up so much to find out what he should do and eat etc. I’m not a doctor. I tried my hardest. I headed back to the doctor with him this past Monday. He was given an echo cardiogram. So we waited. It’s Friday. He’s withdrawn. Sulking. The weathers been icky and he can’t return to work without paperwork.

His depression is making him not a person I like to be around. I told him I was there for you because I always said I would. The fact that now you want to go back to work, instead of getting off your butt finding out what you can do in the meantime you attack verbally with negative words things that are hurtful. I’ve done everything a wife would do. I was able to handle him but I just broke yesterday. I’m so tired.

I honestly don’t expect anything. Why I stay is only something I can answer myself. I’m sure everyone will have opinions. Yes he’s a big boy. He can do it on his own. I’m sure if I removed myself from his life he would be ok too. After all I’m his piece of comfort that he keeps.

I do believe that things happen for reasons. I think he does need the rest and clarity. I can’t say by me being there will it mean anything to him. It’s just an unappreciative gesture.

I do hope he feels better soon.. Right now it’s my turn to try to feel better.

Game Over

Let me check the score.
Wait?! No winner?! Are you kidding?
There’s no tie either. No one won. No runner up.

I think you thought that you could win? Didn’t you. You tried so hard but it didn’t work to your advantage. Deceit and lies my sweet where has that gotten you.

As for me I wasn’t playing. I wasn’t an active participant. So even though I’m sure I could have won. I didn’t. Instead what I want isn’t what I want. It’s broken. Withered. Done. It has no fight.

I try and heal what’s broken. It may repair like a fracture. Scars always there. But the prize isn’t a prize. It’s a human life. Not someone to toy with.

So now things are quiet and I look around. I find that there’s always going to be some hurt still there..

Come on NY!

So I’m a New Yorker. I hail from Queens, Ny. I ride the trains and buses. The MTA is my ride around town. If you’re not a New Yorker well we aren’t too bad. We are good people. It’s just some little habits that some of us do that people need to stop.

So having a car in the city is impossible. You either can’t find parking If you do have one. There’s at least three fire hydrants on one block. There’s so many drive ways for some but not enough spaces or you have alternate side parking. Where they come by with the big machine to clean the street. If you’re lucky you might get that twice a week. Some folks suffer four times a week.

So dear New York bus riders. We all love personal space. But no matter what hour of the day buses can get crowded. There are always buses filled with people that sit in the first seats behind the driver. The sign above says won’t you please give these seats up to the elderly or disabled. I can’t tell you how many times I see a teen or grown person sitting there. Totally ignore an elderly person who should have that seat.

We also have the bus riders who stare blankly ahead. Sit where there are two seats. But have this look like, I’m on the outside. I’m not sitting in by the window. I will be trapped if I sit by the window. So they sit on the outer seat. Getting one of these people to actually let you sit by the window is a task too. Some will move in. Some will get up so you can have the window seat. Some will only slightly turn their legs and body so you can scoot in. Now that you made the decision to have that window seat, my friend what’s your escape route?

So it’s time to get off. You’re by the window. You can say excuse me. Some people get up. I do that. Then we have the jerks. So a few years ago I was on the bus. I always move in by the window. This girl sits next to me. So I don’t like waiting for the last second to get off. After we move from the stop before mine, I get up. So this girl didn’t get up. She simply turned her body. I’m not skinny but I’m not super heavy either. I’m medium frame. She still has her feet sticking out. So giving her an F for effort. I had no choice. I stepped on her foot and my bag smacked her. Some people can have courtesy. Imagine going to a sporting arena and someone needs to get to that seat in the middle of that row. You don’t get up. You deserve the ultimate smack down.

Moving to the back of a crowded bus. God forbid anyone wants to stand. They just simply do not move no matter how crowded the bus gets.

If you seen anything on New York and rush hour just picture everything going by super fast and time lapsed. Most of the time we all go the same way. Big station we need to get off. Most People are impatient. So many people pile off the subway. Pile on the stairs to out beat each other to the street. Problem is. While people go sometimes two to four across to head up. Sometimes there are people that need to go down and use that side of the subway that you just came from. This my friend is like fighting. Forces are truly against you!

Today I was going home after taking my daughter to the ER for a school related injury. As I’m heading down the narrow stairs on the 7 train line, Main Street station. Passengers are barreling up. So I have to make my presence known. I’m down 3/4 of the way when one person won’t move. Instant smack with my bag. So I’m down but my daughter isn’t down. These people would not let her down. I told her to push. My god. Move to the right people. Etiquette! Needless to say I missed the train. I hate being rude but it’s a survival tactic for surviving public transportation!

A few weeks ago, I watched as coming out of another station in Queens, we are all going up. Yes people are going down too. This station has wider stair cases so it’s not too bad. So a lady with a disabled child, autistic is walking up. The child needs to hold on at all times. So she holds on. She has 3 more steps to climb. A woman with a stroller and two people and a kid are just standing on that side. Blocking it. Ready to go down. So whichever way you look at it, they’re on the wrong side. Go down on the right. But she was going down on the left. So the child has no choice needed a place to put her hands for sensory. The child grabbed the woman she was offended. The child’s mother said, if you weren’t going down the wrong side she wouldn’t have done that. She said if you had common sense you would have gone down the proper side. It wasn’t her daughters fault. Why should she explain why or apologize!

Simply as New Yorkers sometimes I don’t get why we act this way. My rant today.

That girl

Quiet
Shy
Miss Goody Two shoes
Never a bad girl

So tired of being that way. Good girls, where does that get us? That halo doesn’t sit pretty on my hair. In fact it sits so crooked.

Is it the bad girls that get all the boys?
The bad attitude
The rudeness
The kiss my ass attitude

Men certainly like to fall victim to these kinds of girls.. Who wants to be a man treated like a puppy for someone whose half heartedly anything.

Good girl? Bad girl? Just want to be myself. If they don’t like it. Fuck it!

Then they can say that girl..
That girl what?
She’s nice?
She’s cool?
She’s crazy or a fool.

Forever

Please don’t tell me you can’t stay. Don’t tell me lies and say you have to go. You promised you would stay forever. Do you remember the night when the moonlight was so bright. All I could see was you. Your eyes dark and bright promising me forever. If only it would stay like this, you said.

Why did you leave when all I could do was hold onto our memories. Laughter from the rooftops. All we ever did was have adventures. We would run from one to another. At the end we would clutch each other. Holding on for dear life. My lips to yours. You’re my forever. I know this is meant to be.

I don’t know what forever is to you but you’re gone now. My forever is a lifetime. You’re forever was a timespan of a short amount of time. My heart is shattered. Forever a word I never long to hear. Did you know what I meant when I said forever?

Walk

I’ve walked for miles and it seems I can walk until there is no path or street to walk to. Whether there will be an obstacle I can move past it. I will walk and continue. I can’t look back.

Sights are set. For the prize. For the one thing. Can I make it. I really hope I can. I can’t give up. I’ve come to far. I can’t fail. I’m not a failure. Keep walking I tell myself. I can’t stop. Believe in yourself.

I take a step I look. I stop. My mind ponders. Too many thoughts race in my head. I continue to walk. Shake the thoughts from my head. No distractions! Nope! Clear! I must have clarity! Have it. Let’s go girl!

Where I go I have no destination. I must make this journey mine. Mine allow. Find myself, like myself, heal myself. I will walk until I am satisfied. I will not settle. There’s been to much, too long. I’ve got to find the light at the end of that tunnel. Until then I walk.

The Name Game

So I’ve been thru this many times before.. But this week the name just pops up. It’s annoying as fuck. I swear Austin isn’t a common name to me.

I was working and this lady comes in with a shirt that says keep Austin weird. I shake my head. Did I just see that? Ivan my coworker tells me his wife and kids went to Austin, Texas to see her parents. He went and mentioned the city a handful of more times. I finally told him if he uttered the name one more time it was gonna kick him.

I’ve had to bring papers to a place on Austin Street yesterday. There’s the tv show Austin and Ally. As I was on the road to my doctors office we pass a truck that says Austin’s meats. I am not taking it as a sign but damn I wish I didn’t notice it like that. Kind of sucks ass right now. I need to clear my head and the Austin bug rears it’s ugly head.

So I’m sure it won’t be so profound but it’s just annoying. Keep my mind from thinking about it. Oh well.

Just want to say

Yes we all have opinions. That’s how the world works. Sometimes though some people should keep their shitty ones to themselves. How many times someone tweets or updates their social media status. Then someone replies and it’s non stop.

I’m saddened that it takes an amazing actors suicide to show this. If you don’t believe in people or call them otherwise for their choices well that’s on you but to attack people for a decision they made when you have no clue what is going on in their lives. Money can’t prevent suicide. Nothing can. Let people have their moments. If someone wants to gloriously have a tribute who are you to judge. We will all miss Robin terribly. But think of the good and all the laughter he brought us.

Stop being judgmental no ones sitting their judging you!