He told me it was my fault he couldn’t move on.. But he keeps telling me he has to move on. It’s funny how I’m the one who has nothing to lose. I’m not grasping at anything.
Every little foolish move made its my fault.. Sure I know I can’t stay here. I’m the one who never wanted anything. Why does someone care for someone so much they won’t let them go but they won’t chose to be with them either. Instead they keep trying to find others and it never works because the feelings aren’t there..
Sometimes I wish I never met you..
How dare you the one with the problems make it seem like it’s my fault. He said we could have worked if we took it slow. I laughed. He said I wanted to see him daily. Nope. At anytime he could have went home after work. He’s the one who came each night, he’s the one who started the relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t really think he would take me on.
All the blame is to me, when he knows he wanted to be here. Now we play games. He can’t seem to be happy he tells me. He can’t give his all. When I met him. He gave me his all. No secrets I knew him. Now he hides himself. Now he tells me he can’t get over me. But yet move on. He moves on to settle. These girls will never do all I did..
Why the hell am I so good to keep you wanting me but you don’t want to try.. I want the words I want the answer but I’m sure it will be another lie. I can’t expect a boy to take on a woman. Can I?
Depression is horrible. Anyway that it starts and comes about. It’s horrible. It’s a pain that just never heals. My hearts been broken for as long as I can remember. I had a crush at age five and he never cared. It just was me falling for boys but nothing back. Sure the pain of a broken heart wasn’t so bad..
I know the pain in my life comes from my father who left. Always searching for someone to love. I’ve been a quiet person and I didn’t ask for anyone’s help. I would feel so depressed due to so much. Eventually I would manage through the storms. My ups and downs that would trigger weight loss and gains. Funny how a girl so shy, so insecure never had body image issues. No eating disorders. No cutting. I could hate myself and the only self harm I had was tearing skin off my fingers. That was my nervous anxious habit. When I couldn’t take the way it felt I stopped.
I hate the depression that needing to be loved makes me feel. It’s one thing to be loved by kids and your mother. The love of best friends. The love from family. Longing to be loved by someone that’s something else. Watch tv, everyone has someone. Can’t even watch a DIY show without watching a happy couple need a home fixed. Don’t they target single people. Sigh. Everyone has someone. I’m here blogging about it. Feeling so like shit.
So damn alone. Over a man whose duped me not once not twice numerous times. All because I believed we had a calling to come into each other’s lives. That I was suppose to help him. Sheesh. Now I’m feeling depressed and have anxiety anger. Just not wanting to move on.. Look whose celebrating.
I hate this pain.. I wish I stopped being so stupid and listen to myself I know what’s right, I just live for the wrong. Go away.. Let the pain go.
She asked what has she done. She got no answer. That’s it you got your answer. How hard is it to just say it? What is it? Is it another woman? What is it? Are you really going to continue to play games? How old are you?
The game continued. Days would pass. Then a quizzical text. She often would ignore the texts. He would bother her. Are you ok? No I’m not ok she replied. I’m depressed. I need my friend. I need you. How was I there for you she thought and when I need you where are you. He doesn’t reply. Like a wimpy boy he says nothing. She shakes her head. How her heart is aching for him. Just an answer. What are we? The last six months were hard but blissful. Fun and wild. Just like that it came to a halt. What why?
What happens? He said I’m getting my life in order. What does that mean. She’s been there before. When an everyday fun flirty text becomes cold, no feeling. It usually means you’ve been replaced. Just give me that she thought. We knew what we were doing. We knew it was a dangerous game. Feelings involved. We all knew it. He knew she was fragile. She feels it’s another woman he says it isn’t. He said that before why should she believe him?
Getting your life in order is a great thing. How do you push out the one person who never left your side. Oh you got what you wanted. Sick of the games. So sick. Just man up. Those balls of yours are there. Man up. Man up why can’t you be honest to a girl who helped you through it all. Sad. You know how her heart aches.
My whole journey and the reason I made this blog was because I was so saddened and upset over the break up with Austin.. It’s been a year now. It seems that the year went by so quick. Honestly nothing really changed from last year before the break up.
I admit that the summer was the worst one ever for me. Emotionally. But I didn’t lock myself up in the house. I actually went away, went to the beach and just overall enjoyed myself. The past three months though was more bittersweet though. No one imagined his father would pass on. That would forever change our relationship.
I will be the first to admit yes I am a sucker for love. For him for everything. Yes he cheated on me. Yes he was in a relationship with me and some other girl for two years. Why did it end up the way it has. The emotional connection. Something we always had and why we couldn’t let go. Finding it a player got played on his end. Well I don’t think she’s much of a player I think she got bored at home and wanted outside action. Whatever it was, it never was solid as he never trusted her. After his fathers passing the demise of their relationship came. I became the shoulder to lean on.
We have a much better relationship and are closer. Everyone thinks we are together but I don’t classify what it is. We spend time together and just enjoy each other’s company. I’m not looking to be with anyone right now. Even if he said lets try again, I can’t I have so many things that I need to do before I work on us. Whatever we are it has no name. My coworkers and everyone think we are back together I just say don’t label it. At any moment he might find another someone and its alright by me. I didn’t say I wasn’t looking but I don’t have the time and energy to work on another relationship with a home right now. That would require so much work that just isn’t in the cards.
I enjoy the smiles and laughter. I enjoy the dinners and the fun we have. I have happiness that I hadn’t had for a while. I know that I could get hurt again but that’s something I will have to deal with when I cross that bridge. He knows where I stand on us.. But I don’t question him on it. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.
Yea it’s been a year. You know what I’ve made it thru.
I can write blogs and blogs about what I should do in life do I ever follow what I preach. No I don’t. I’m miserable. My fault. No need to put salt in my already opened wounds.
Could have been somewhere new by now. No here I am stuck in the same rut. Stealing my time from me because my hearts to kind. I hit the bottom last night. The chest pains, the body aches and headaches. Pain that I don’t need.
A whole year ago I should have walked away. I believe or had believed in signs and was telling myself that the reason I’m around is because of so and so. You know what you can lie to yourself numerous times. Can you convince yourself that it’s right? No you can’t even find it in your heart to see that you’re being treated like garbage.
I’ve given my time to someone to someone that has no love for me. I’m just easy, accessible. When he calls I jump. He has it easy. He doesn’t care.
Here I’ve worried about his feelings. Trying to walk on eggshells so worried about his grieving, yet my heart is continuously broken. I can give advice but yet he doesn’t care. I just wasted a whole year on what should have been doing things for me.
I told him he had wasted my time When he broke up with me. Now look whose wasting my time myself. Now look whose the one with egg on their face.
He stole her heart the day she met him. She loved him when she looked into his eyes. She saw forever and comfort. She knew that he would be hers forever.
He did steal her hurt and left her wounded. Wound so badly opened that no amount of glue, stitches and even love could ever heal it. He blew her mind with lies and her soul the biggest hole in a place where her heart should be.
One year ago it was over. Like a thief in the night he ran. She was broken beyond repair. She mended her heart with memories and thoughts. Healing and taking time. She saw the their again. He had her heart. He knew how she felt. She was trapped. Her ever beating heart ached to be loved. She embraced him even with a hollow heart.
He wasn’t kind to her anymore. He only knew how to be sincere in a moments notice. She felt she had to be there or he would be lost. Her instincts told her this is where to be. He never cared what she thought. As long as he was taken care. Her heart was cracking and shattering. It can’t hold on. How can you break a heart that isn’t even while she thought? How can she detach herself from the one person she thought was her whole world.
He said be was busy last night. We all played that game. He www busy a lot when he played her heart. She knew her heart was hanging on with pieces. She told him how much her heart aches for him. Can’t do this anymore she whispered. She wipes the tears from her cheek.
I’ve been freely letting emotions out Rather then write a story. I really don’t care if anyone reads my blogs or not. It’s an outlet for me to release my fears and emotions. If I didn’t have it I’d do nuts.
I can say it’s been a month. I’ve spent a lot of time with my ex. I’ve been the go to girl. Since Annie is supposedly a distant memory be hits me up to talk. I try not to judge. I know he’s grieving. His life is more of a mess than it ever was. I don’t try to say but you did this and that. You know what I’m over that. Just talk. So that’s where I stand I observe. We spent almost my whole birthday week doing things. He even came to the hospital when my oldest was rushed passing out in school.
Most recently he has his moments. I can tell you I miss his confidence I know when he’s depressed. His talk is of being alone and just negative things. Sometimes the words cut me like a knife. It attacked him so much he had an anxiety attack. I of course rushed to the hospital when he was having the chest pains and could not breathe. I stayed until day break. I took the next day off to care for him. He asked me to call make his doctor appointment saying I was his girlfriend. Crazy? I could make the appointment does it matter who I am. I am not your girlfriend.
The day after he sees the doctor. They find inflammation around his heart. They send him home with Motrin. Now days have passed. He called me up so much to find out what he should do and eat etc. I’m not a doctor. I tried my hardest. I headed back to the doctor with him this past Monday. He was given an echo cardiogram. So we waited. It’s Friday. He’s withdrawn. Sulking. The weathers been icky and he can’t return to work without paperwork.
His depression is making him not a person I like to be around. I told him I was there for you because I always said I would. The fact that now you want to go back to work, instead of getting off your butt finding out what you can do in the meantime you attack verbally with negative words things that are hurtful. I’ve done everything a wife would do. I was able to handle him but I just broke yesterday. I’m so tired.
I honestly don’t expect anything. Why I stay is only something I can answer myself. I’m sure everyone will have opinions. Yes he’s a big boy. He can do it on his own. I’m sure if I removed myself from his life he would be ok too. After all I’m his piece of comfort that he keeps.
I do believe that things happen for reasons. I think he does need the rest and clarity. I can’t say by me being there will it mean anything to him. It’s just an unappreciative gesture.
I do hope he feels better soon.. Right now it’s my turn to try to feel better.
I woke up feeling a bit not myself. Tired to say the least. Not mopey I’m glad. Off to work I got myself together. Plugged in the straightener. My phone buzzed. Oh yes look whose texting me none other than the ex. I had gotten texts at one in the morning which I chose to ignore.
So I chose to say what?! Miss paranoia now has him thinking I’m stalking her. Dude. I work night I have my kids I have no time to go stalk. Someone had issues. The same girl who text me from his phone in June and then tells him I told her xyz! I’m like serious? This girl has hacks in Verizon too. A little too nut case for me.
So yes after my friends harsh messages to me. I took to telling him to fuck off. Grow up. I’m tired of the games. I’ve never seen a man whine over a piece of ass so much. I pretty much deaded it with serious consequences attached to it. He owes me money. He said how can I pay you back? I told him to never call me again. He said write you a letter. No idiot it’s called here my bank account number make a deposit. Got it? Oh but your my friend until god forbid one of us leaves this earth. Dude what was in that take out she’s feeding you? Friends don’t act like douche bags.
Well I ended it with you will be alone and he agreed. Shameful as it seems as he kept mentioning her and when I mention being alone he doesn’t even try to interject they’re will be a future for them. Signed sealed delivered. Message sent. Boom. He says he will have friends. Friends. That you will have less and less of.
I walked away unscathed. I dodged a bullet. I’m standing tall and not crying. You have shown me your true colors. I accept them. I can’t say how much of me is healed and what isn’t but it’s certainly better than it was 8 months ago. Tomorrow is September. My birthday is coming. I look forward for an awesome birthday. No one not even him will ruin it.
I don’t feel the pain or burden it’s starting to show and fade. I can breathe. Once again.
I talk to my friend that I’ve known since I was eleven. Explain what happened over the week. What she replied was blunt and made me feel like the biggest ass that ever lived.
“He gets something from u big time even if it’s not physical. He gets his ego fluffed. He gets to walk around thing the got all these women out there that just want to be with him whenever he snaps his fingers. U being around ensures he never gets depressed and lost with that feeling that hey, maybe I’m not good enough or I’m guna be alone forever”
“U have all these feelings.The sadness & loneliness and I don’t see him around supposing u. Instead he tells u fucked up things about a girl he is fucking to then fuck u mentally. Messed up”
“Take what I wrote w a grain of salt if u want. I’ve never been anything but on ur side & honest w u. I’m really upset about these decisions u made. I really hope u do what’s best for you. U are a smart, beautiful, responsible woman. U deserve more than what that uv got outta life so far. It’s not too late to make it right. U got the potential & u got the stuff. U got to stop letting those bad emotions just take over all the time”
I let him stay around in my life so it’s my fault. Why can’t break ups be about it’s over that’s it? I don’t call him or text or anything. He does but I do reply. Yes I miss the shit out of him. I’m lonely. My phone is silent all the time now. So I entertain him. My suffering is my fault. Why be cruel? I think I’m done with my life. It’s just a joke and I’m to blind to see the truth. All I do is attract men that leech onto me and play games knowing it’s over. Wait wait it’s because I let them. What fucking kind of human being can’t move on to the next broad and still playing games with their ex. There’s something wrong with me? No there’s something wrong with them too.
So I’ve been thru this many times before.. But this week the name just pops up. It’s annoying as fuck. I swear Austin isn’t a common name to me.
I was working and this lady comes in with a shirt that says keep Austin weird. I shake my head. Did I just see that? Ivan my coworker tells me his wife and kids went to Austin, Texas to see her parents. He went and mentioned the city a handful of more times. I finally told him if he uttered the name one more time it was gonna kick him.
I’ve had to bring papers to a place on Austin Street yesterday. There’s the tv show Austin and Ally. As I was on the road to my doctors office we pass a truck that says Austin’s meats. I am not taking it as a sign but damn I wish I didn’t notice it like that. Kind of sucks ass right now. I need to clear my head and the Austin bug rears it’s ugly head.
So I’m sure it won’t be so profound but it’s just annoying. Keep my mind from thinking about it. Oh well.