He told me it was my fault he couldn’t move on.. But he keeps telling me he has to move on. It’s funny how I’m the one who has nothing to lose. I’m not grasping at anything.
Every little foolish move made its my fault.. Sure I know I can’t stay here. I’m the one who never wanted anything. Why does someone care for someone so much they won’t let them go but they won’t chose to be with them either. Instead they keep trying to find others and it never works because the feelings aren’t there..
Sometimes I wish I never met you..
How dare you the one with the problems make it seem like it’s my fault. He said we could have worked if we took it slow. I laughed. He said I wanted to see him daily. Nope. At anytime he could have went home after work. He’s the one who came each night, he’s the one who started the relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t really think he would take me on.
All the blame is to me, when he knows he wanted to be here. Now we play games. He can’t seem to be happy he tells me. He can’t give his all. When I met him. He gave me his all. No secrets I knew him. Now he hides himself. Now he tells me he can’t get over me. But yet move on. He moves on to settle. These girls will never do all I did..
Why the hell am I so good to keep you wanting me but you don’t want to try.. I want the words I want the answer but I’m sure it will be another lie. I can’t expect a boy to take on a woman. Can I?
Round and round it goes.. Where it stops nobody knows.. Do you think the odds ever change? Do you think you’re that one in a million shot..
No.. Not everyone is that lucky.. Playing with fire gets you burned. Remember what has been done in the dark will come out in the light.. Don’t expect to be handed a good life. Especially if the strife and mistreatment and misfortune you have caused others is of great proportions..
We all began to wonder who she was. Was she kind? Was she nice? Was she going to be everything we hoped for? Anyone whose anyone with half a brain can pull off any stunt. Men and women. Especially if it’s just a game.
She played him for a fool. Sometimes I wonder why women in a sexless marriage, men in a sexless marriage, why they don’t go and leave. They sometimes have affairs. They stay for the children. Is it really best? You know your not going to leave your spouse but you go on trysts with someone else.
She used him to get what she couldn’t get. She tried to manipulate him to be what he couldn’t. She wanted to mold him into a puppet. Her piece of ass and what she couldn’t get out of her spouse she had done to him. When it all came to light she pointed fingers.
Today someone sent a picture to the man she had the affair with. Her smiling pumpkin picking. Holding her child and surrounded with her husband and his parents. Smiling and beaming. After all it was his new Facebook profile picture. She was so manipulative that just months after it burnt with him she’s a happy family woman again. Or was she ever unhappy? She tried to see what she could get? Just a horny bitch trying to get guys on the low. Blue collar because she couldn’t go anyone who wasn’t on her level.
Well played lady.. You burnt a flame but remember it comes back to you.. So while your family now. Don’t expect when you pull your games again one day hubby might have an urge and stray. Not everyone is dense to someone changing.
Good luck.. You’ll need it.
I woke up feeling a bit not myself. Tired to say the least. Not mopey I’m glad. Off to work I got myself together. Plugged in the straightener. My phone buzzed. Oh yes look whose texting me none other than the ex. I had gotten texts at one in the morning which I chose to ignore.
So I chose to say what?! Miss paranoia now has him thinking I’m stalking her. Dude. I work night I have my kids I have no time to go stalk. Someone had issues. The same girl who text me from his phone in June and then tells him I told her xyz! I’m like serious? This girl has hacks in Verizon too. A little too nut case for me.
So yes after my friends harsh messages to me. I took to telling him to fuck off. Grow up. I’m tired of the games. I’ve never seen a man whine over a piece of ass so much. I pretty much deaded it with serious consequences attached to it. He owes me money. He said how can I pay you back? I told him to never call me again. He said write you a letter. No idiot it’s called here my bank account number make a deposit. Got it? Oh but your my friend until god forbid one of us leaves this earth. Dude what was in that take out she’s feeding you? Friends don’t act like douche bags.
Well I ended it with you will be alone and he agreed. Shameful as it seems as he kept mentioning her and when I mention being alone he doesn’t even try to interject they’re will be a future for them. Signed sealed delivered. Message sent. Boom. He says he will have friends. Friends. That you will have less and less of.
I walked away unscathed. I dodged a bullet. I’m standing tall and not crying. You have shown me your true colors. I accept them. I can’t say how much of me is healed and what isn’t but it’s certainly better than it was 8 months ago. Tomorrow is September. My birthday is coming. I look forward for an awesome birthday. No one not even him will ruin it.
I don’t feel the pain or burden it’s starting to show and fade. I can breathe. Once again.
So I’m beginning to feel like I have my highs and lows. I really hate it. I’m glad that yesterday didn’t make me depressed. Instead I did slowly make my way to work. I got to work I was cracking jokes. Nothing like knowing that even though I was dealing with shit I made it through.
I went to sleep last night feeling shaky and weak. I had it with Austin. I was watching the same episodes of criminal minds that have repeated the past few weeks. Just the episode alone I watched just made me think about people and their mental well being. I fall asleep near two in the morning. I wake up about a half hour later a text from my sister. I was mad when I looked at the title of the text. ” mental health helpline”. I was like did someone tell her what’s going on? She lives states away and we aren’t close at all. I played the file I was in tears it was hysterical. I can’t thank my sister enough.
I wake up about five or so check my phone, it’s a habit. Austin texts me two hours prior, thanks for calling him a coward he is one. I go back to sleep. At ten he texts again that he’s light headed and his pressure is up. Sheesh. At least when I dated him we never fought and things were cool. Date the other chick and he’s fucked up like he’s on drugs. It’s a shame. It’s a shame to see someone you love, turn into someone you don’t recognize. That some person can change a person. I feel bad in some small ways. I feel bad that this compassionate person has turned into a douche bag. I know how he is. Isn’t how he was. It just escalated.
I don’t understand and will never understand how someone that could have been the love of your life. Could turn into someone totally different. It’s so sad. I wish that if relationships had to end that none have to be so bad. Oh well.
He said he was gonna fuck up his liver tonight. I said ok. I mean what more can I do. Friends, my friends and one ex coworker of his just said he’s an asshole. Sigh. So I was bummed a while.
Work was crazy. My supervisor had me laughing. My coworker got me a nice slice of pizza for lunch. When I was reading in the back someone comes to see me. I was told I had a visitor. I brushed it off thinking it was crazy Camilio from Thursday. I head to the restroom. There’s Gary. We talk. Gary’s ex wife worked with me. Sadly she was an addict and did clean up was married for a while she relapsed and totally collapsed left the job and went back to her ex ex. She was a nice girl I really liked her. We talked about things, the kids. I’m really trying to hurry at this point I had to punch back in. Gary asks me to take his number down. So I’m like ok let me use the bathroom. So I go and he rings my phone while I’m in there. I hate that. He leaves me a voicemail. I never checked the message until 4 hours later. He’s asking me out.. So now it’s do I go out on a date with Gary? I’ve never dated someone’s ex of anything. I guess I have a week to say yes or no anyway.
I missed my bus home tonight but I walked home. I saw things that made me smile and I just felt such a relief. I was still thinking how sad it is that Austin is how he is but music and songs can totally make you feel powerful. I made it home with strength. I’m not weak tonight. I’m gonna be ok.
Today Leslie tells me I should date myself. I told her about the situation that happened yesterday. Why I seem to be the creep magnet. She’s lucky I’ve known her since we were 12 or I would have taken that wrong. I told her Austin wasn’t a creep. She said yes he was for his deceitful nature. Blah.
I’m not sure how to date myself yet. I have kids. I’m a mother. I work full time. I’m responsible I pay my bills. I’m smart and intuitive. So why the heck am I attracting creeps. Ok I’m too nice at times. I get vulnerable at times. But still..
I know now that I can’t date right now it’s way to early. I see every guy as a possible manipulator. The last few I even spoke to for a short time gave me that vibe. When you come straight after me for sex. Instant creep category.
I hate to be alone with myself when I feel so vulnerable. Do I really need to change a part of me to not attract creeps.