Category Archives: Emotions

Foolish

He told me it was my fault he couldn’t move on.. But he keeps telling me he has to move on. It’s funny how I’m the one who has nothing to lose. I’m not grasping at anything.

Every little foolish move made its my fault.. Sure I know I can’t stay here. I’m the one who never wanted anything. Why does someone care for someone so much they won’t let them go but they won’t chose to be with them either. Instead they keep trying to find others and it never works because the feelings aren’t there..

Sometimes I wish I never met you..
How dare you the one with the problems make it seem like it’s my fault. He said we could have worked if we took it slow. I laughed. He said I wanted to see him daily. Nope. At anytime he could have went home after work. He’s the one who came each night, he’s the one who started the relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t really think he would take me on.

All the blame is to me, when he knows he wanted to be here. Now we play games. He can’t seem to be happy he tells me. He can’t give his all. When I met him. He gave me his all. No secrets I knew him. Now he hides himself. Now he tells me he can’t get over me. But yet move on. He moves on to settle. These girls will never do all I did..

Why the hell am I so good to keep you wanting me but you don’t want to try.. I want the words I want the answer but I’m sure it will be another lie. I can’t expect a boy to take on a woman. Can I?

Endless Cycle

Round and round it goes.. Where it stops nobody knows.. Do you think the odds ever change? Do you think you’re that one in a million shot..

No.. Not everyone is that lucky.. Playing with fire gets you burned. Remember what has been done in the dark will come out in the light.. Don’t expect to be handed a good life. Especially if the strife and mistreatment and misfortune you have caused others is of great proportions..

Disclaimer!

Some people need a disclaimer!!!

If you have no intentions to be faithful then don’t catch feelings and get in a relationship. Stay that player for life!

If you can’t even say the word commitment and when someone asks you if you’re married or single, and the answer is single because your not married then your a total jerk!

If you think you’ll be blessed by a good man or woman after you screwed a good one over think again.. Karma is a bitch!

Open up

Why is it that we live in a world where the only time people want to talk to you is when they want something. Nothing else but their wants.

We live in a world where no one can talk like human beings. Feelings can’t be said. The word love is thrown around like a ball. But we walk around taking nude selfies for someone who we don’t even know. Something so intimate but given to a stranger.

We can’t say what’s going on or be true but getting with a chick for a cheap piece of ass is more worth it then someone who means the world to you.

Sure open up your zipper, open up your vagina. But don’t open your heart or mouth.

You suck!

Go away

Depression is horrible. Anyway that it starts and comes about. It’s horrible. It’s a pain that just never heals. My hearts been broken for as long as I can remember. I had a crush at age five and he never cared. It just was me falling for boys but nothing back. Sure the pain of a broken heart wasn’t so bad..

I know the pain in my life comes from my father who left. Always searching for someone to love. I’ve been a quiet person and I didn’t ask for anyone’s help. I would feel so depressed due to so much. Eventually I would manage through the storms. My ups and downs that would trigger weight loss and gains. Funny how a girl so shy, so insecure never had body image issues. No eating disorders. No cutting. I could hate myself and the only self harm I had was tearing skin off my fingers. That was my nervous anxious habit. When I couldn’t take the way it felt I stopped.

I hate the depression that needing to be loved makes me feel. It’s one thing to be loved by kids and your mother. The love of best friends. The love from family. Longing to be loved by someone that’s something else. Watch tv, everyone has someone. Can’t even watch a DIY show without watching a happy couple need a home fixed. Don’t they target single people. Sigh. Everyone has someone. I’m here blogging about it. Feeling so like shit.
So damn alone. Over a man whose duped me not once not twice numerous times. All because I believed we had a calling to come into each other’s lives. That I was suppose to help him. Sheesh. Now I’m feeling depressed and have anxiety anger. Just not wanting to move on.. Look whose celebrating.

I hate this pain.. I wish I stopped being so stupid and listen to myself I know what’s right, I just live for the wrong. Go away.. Let the pain go.

Answer the question

She asked what has she done. She got no answer. That’s it you got your answer. How hard is it to just say it? What is it? Is it another woman? What is it? Are you really going to continue to play games? How old are you?

The game continued. Days would pass. Then a quizzical text. She often would ignore the texts. He would bother her. Are you ok? No I’m not ok she replied. I’m depressed. I need my friend. I need you. How was I there for you she thought and when I need you where are you. He doesn’t reply. Like a wimpy boy he says nothing. She shakes her head. How her heart is aching for him. Just an answer. What are we? The last six months were hard but blissful. Fun and wild. Just like that it came to a halt. What why?

What happens? He said I’m getting my life in order. What does that mean. She’s been there before. When an everyday fun flirty text becomes cold, no feeling. It usually means you’ve been replaced. Just give me that she thought. We knew what we were doing. We knew it was a dangerous game. Feelings involved. We all knew it. He knew she was fragile. She feels it’s another woman he says it isn’t. He said that before why should she believe him?

Getting your life in order is a great thing. How do you push out the one person who never left your side. Oh you got what you wanted. Sick of the games. So sick. Just man up. Those balls of yours are there. Man up. Man up why can’t you be honest to a girl who helped you through it all. Sad. You know how her heart aches.

Selfish bastard.

Those things we call feelings

Yay 2015 is here. Blah blah. It’s another day. Another day I live. It’s cool. So why is my heart acting like it’s crazy. Lovely. It’s currently hurting. Maybe it’s indigestion? Maybe it’s an anxiety attack. Any thing you call it, I’ve dealt with it before. Sigh.

I made it a whole year in whatever this friendship/relationship I’m in. It doesn’t even have a name. Just a few days ago someone I work with noticed Austin and asked how we knew each other. That was like a comedy act. Both trying to find the words. Kinda sorta my ex.. La da.. Even his mom called me his girlfriend. Confusing.

So that’s not even what’s getting to me. Is it crazy I just want this kiss. A passionate sweet kiss.. I actually crave this kiss. I’m not going to ask I know it’s crazy. How can I feel about I want a kiss. It would be generic and awkward. That’s not what I want. I’m hoping he would do it. I know that’s not why my chest is killing me but it sure just makes me know those feelings are there.

I tell myself I can’t put my heart in this. Which is why I don’t sit him down and say what is this? What are we? I really can’t commit myself to him. I just am not ready to just say let’s give it a go. Oh feelings take you ass elsewhere! No heart no problem.. Can I do it?

It’s been a year

My whole journey and the reason I made this blog was because I was so saddened and upset over the break up with Austin.. It’s been a year now. It seems that the year went by so quick. Honestly nothing really changed from last year before the break up.

I admit that the summer was the worst one ever for me. Emotionally. But I didn’t lock myself up in the house. I actually went away, went to the beach and just overall enjoyed myself. The past three months though was more bittersweet though. No one imagined his father would pass on. That would forever change our relationship.

I will be the first to admit yes I am a sucker for love. For him for everything. Yes he cheated on me. Yes he was in a relationship with me and some other girl for two years. Why did it end up the way it has. The emotional connection. Something we always had and why we couldn’t let go. Finding it a player got played on his end. Well I don’t think she’s much of a player I think she got bored at home and wanted outside action. Whatever it was, it never was solid as he never trusted her. After his fathers passing the demise of their relationship came. I became the shoulder to lean on.

We have a much better relationship and are closer. Everyone thinks we are together but I don’t classify what it is. We spend time together and just enjoy each other’s company. I’m not looking to be with anyone right now. Even if he said lets try again, I can’t I have so many things that I need to do before I work on us. Whatever we are it has no name. My coworkers and everyone think we are back together I just say don’t label it. At any moment he might find another someone and its alright by me. I didn’t say I wasn’t looking but I don’t have the time and energy to work on another relationship with a home right now. That would require so much work that just isn’t in the cards.

I enjoy the smiles and laughter. I enjoy the dinners and the fun we have. I have happiness that I hadn’t had for a while. I know that I could get hurt again but that’s something I will have to deal with when I cross that bridge. He knows where I stand on us.. But I don’t question him on it. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

Yea it’s been a year. You know what I’ve made it thru.

Time

I can write blogs and blogs about what I should do in life do I ever follow what I preach. No I don’t. I’m miserable. My fault. No need to put salt in my already opened wounds.

Could have been somewhere new by now. No here I am stuck in the same rut. Stealing my time from me because my hearts to kind. I hit the bottom last night. The chest pains, the body aches and headaches. Pain that I don’t need.

A whole year ago I should have walked away. I believe or had believed in signs and was telling myself that the reason I’m around is because of so and so. You know what you can lie to yourself numerous times. Can you convince yourself that it’s right? No you can’t even find it in your heart to see that you’re being treated like garbage.

I’ve given my time to someone to someone that has no love for me. I’m just easy, accessible. When he calls I jump. He has it easy. He doesn’t care.
Here I’ve worried about his feelings. Trying to walk on eggshells so worried about his grieving, yet my heart is continuously broken. I can give advice but yet he doesn’t care. I just wasted a whole year on what should have been doing things for me.

I told him he had wasted my time When he broke up with me. Now look whose wasting my time myself. Now look whose the one with egg on their face.