Category Archives: Family

Feeling like an ass

I wish that I had listened. I didn’t need another lesson to be learned. I feel stupid enough.

I’m tired of people telling me I will be fine and all that. It doesn’t ease the hurt. None of those things do.

This is how I feel.
Fuck it all.

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Who was she really?

We all began to wonder who she was. Was she kind? Was she nice? Was she going to be everything we hoped for? Anyone whose anyone with half a brain can pull off any stunt. Men and women. Especially if it’s just a game.

She played him for a fool. Sometimes I wonder why women in a sexless marriage, men in a sexless marriage, why they don’t go and leave. They sometimes have affairs. They stay for the children. Is it really best? You know your not going to leave your spouse but you go on trysts with someone else.

She used him to get what she couldn’t get. She tried to manipulate him to be what he couldn’t. She wanted to mold him into a puppet. Her piece of ass and what she couldn’t get out of her spouse she had done to him. When it all came to light she pointed fingers.

Today someone sent a picture to the man she had the affair with. Her smiling pumpkin picking. Holding her child and surrounded with her husband and his parents. Smiling and beaming. After all it was his new Facebook profile picture. She was so manipulative that just months after it burnt with him she’s a happy family woman again. Or was she ever unhappy? She tried to see what she could get? Just a horny bitch trying to get guys on the low. Blue collar because she couldn’t go anyone who wasn’t on her level.

Well played lady.. You burnt a flame but remember it comes back to you.. So while your family now. Don’t expect when you pull your games again one day hubby might have an urge and stray. Not everyone is dense to someone changing.

Good luck.. You’ll need it.

Do you believe?

I find myself puzzled lately. Confused and even unsure of things. Are the things that happening, fate, just coincidental or just life at its moment. I guess it’s however we all take how we feel in regards to our situations.

In late July and early August, my ex and I were talking but he started to talk to her again so I began to just pull away. No matter what I did though, I ran into people, places and saw trucks and businesses that had the name “Austin” which is his name. So it literally bugged me out.

I had started to speak to some guys, just talk but I didn’t see potential. One guy who had wanted to date me had a stroke in July. I know that’s health wise but it just was so weird. Just random things happened when people wanted to talk to me. So in my head I felt like this was something telling me that my time with Austin isn’t done just yet. Too many little things that bring us together.

Now his father is gone. He’s encountered after the fact one day fighting with the chick hours after the burial because she brought up nonsense, his fan just out the blue shutting off. He took that as a sign about her.

So I don’t know if my mind wants me to be in his life still that little occurrences I attribute to it saying hey you guys need to be around each other.. Sometimes I wish a “sign” or something could be more clearer..

Sigh.

Birthday wishes

You begin to rethink your life. In the event of tragedy. Maybe it’s not my own personal one but it does hit so close to home that you make the decisions and changes. I had a pretty hard one yesterday.

Since my exes father died it was to think about my own estranged relationship with my father. I’m not sure if I would have taken the chance but maybe I would. So yesterday was my birthday. I’m on my way to the city. I have cell service in the subway. So I see someone inboxed me on Facebook. So I sign in on safari. It’s my father.

Dad: ……….
Me: ?
Dad: happy birthday bye

Did I just read that correctly?! Why did he even bother. I didn’t even reply. I just was not going to let it ruin my day. I just don’t understand how people think anymore.

I had dinner with my ex. We talked a lot he talks a lot about his dad. So I showed him what mine did. He didn’t understand it. I didn’t realize talking about it would bring me to tears. I told him at least your father cared about you. Your father was around for you. So he saw my tears. Guess some people are luckier then others in situations.

Who knows how long all of us will be around. I can try and try to fixed my father daughter relationship but will it be worth it?

Goodbyes

Today was the funeral. I took my twin daughters and my best friend. We traveled the one and a half hours to the Bronx via the train. When we got off the train I passed the girl who dated Austin before me. First time I had seen her in person.

We walked towards the church. I wasn’t sure how I was going to be since I wasn’t exactly nice to him on Thursday. I signed my name on the sheet and I walked in. Out of the corner of my eye he was sitting talking to his current girlfriend or whatever they consider themselves. He stood up as soon as he saw me. She looked up too. We took a seat. He came up to all four of us. He expressed his gratitude. I told him I was sorry for arguing with him. He nodded. More people came in and more people. His other ex comes in and she really knew his father. She broke down by the casket. He consoled her. I can’t go near a casket like that it’s been a fear of mine. So I stayed in my seat. Before the service began Austin brings the chick up to a closer seat arm and arm. So she was in my eye sight but on the other side. She sat alone.

The service was beautiful. Words spoken made you think. I was crying so much. At times I couldn’t help it. I was so sad for the family. They really had a great father. His nieces and nephews sat a few pews ahead of me. I saw faces of those I knew also his aunt and uncle. His cousins. At the end of the service they let one final viewing. Since I only got to tell his sister and him that I was sorry, I hesitated at first to go up. I watched family members go up, his other ex went up. Annie actually stops her on the way around to talk to her. I kind of was like what the heck was that about. Trying to get all nice with one of his exes. I decided to go and right as I went I turn to see if my girls were behind me. Nope it was Annie. I was miffed. Annie let my girls and my friend come through behind me. I hugged Austin again and his family this time. Not knowing what else to say. I returned to my seat. The service ended.

When the procession of the casket followed by the family we all followed in pew order. My heart broke when his nephew whose five runs and grabs Annie’s hand. My daughter had also said when he hugged her it was a living hug. So it hurt. We went outside where it was crowded. I didn’t want to just leave. I stood there a few minutes. I made my way up to Austin and told him I’m sorry I have to go. He knows I don’t drive and there’s no way I could make it to where the cemetery is. So hug number three there was. We walked off I peaked at Krystal, the car I co signed and I just walked towards the subway. Feeling very sad for the family. Feeling as though I could do more. Feeling as though I should be there too. It is what it is right?

He sent me a message an hour ago thanking us for coming and supporting the family. I just simply replied your welcome.

Karma?

I don’t know what to believe in anymore. Two people just told me that karma is what led to this. My ex his father passing.

This is what one person said to me..
That was destined to happen. The timing is the karma not the loss of his father. Now shit will fall in place and finally see who’s there and who isn’t.

I begin to wonder. He seems to know who really was there for him. But karma? Even if it was the timing and not the death.. I guess we will never know.

Overprotected

So the other day I went to Atlantic City. I saw George Lopez at the Borgota Hotel. He was extremely funny. So you just listen to what he’s saying and you know he’s right. He’s talking about parenting now and then. Back when I was kid in the 80’s things were different.

Now a days the kids don’t know anything. The parents shelter them way too much. Hey you can’t quote me on this but I’m sure the same amount of predators are out there as back then. We just didn’t know. I’m not saying throw your kids out to the wolves. You can’t expect a kid to learn anything if you’re going to hold their hand until they turn 18.

To me NYC is way better now than it was back then. Back then we would play outside and have fun. Make up games and in the early 90’s kids would take the milk cape and put clay in it and play skelly. Now kids can’t leave their iPhones down for a minute. It’s the internet babysitting the kids. I only own one computer and my kids get a limited amount of time on it. Yea it’s mine which means I get it when I want. Only my oldest has a phone he’s 19. My kids don’t but hey I can’t afford it anyway. It’s better that way.

Instead of parents being concerned at when the next happy hour is, get with your kid go outside have a day out with no devices. Show them how it was and how it is to travel. They have to learn eventually. They need to have values set in them. They need to know if a stranger approaches me to scream. Know your phone number. Most kids only know numbers because it’s in their phones. Now back then all the numbers we needed to know we memorized.

Teach your kids morals and values. Don’t let the tv and the reality shows and others raise your kids but also don’t baby them either. Know what age they should be doing what.

The mind

The mind. I really wished I had studied the mind. The most complicated part of our being. It can mess people up and at times do so much damage. It’s scary. What we mentally put ourselves through.

I thought for me that I’ve always been week towards feeling love. When it’s over it’s just not a place I want to be. I always thought with the way I was quiet shy that maybe those traits I showed were because of such.

There’s only been one other man whose shown anger and emotion that was my ex husband. He also did not want to let me go. Not what I’m dealing with now but something kept him around. This is two different types though. I never ever expected the last one I was with to react this way. He always says how confident he is and how he lives his life. I assumed like everyone before me that he knew how to let go. I was quite wrong.

While his trauma that he is dealing with has been brought on by how own actions I’ve become the punching bag. He’s so mad at screwing up what could have been something possibly with Annie. That he feels a way towards me. He couldn’t give himself towards her because of me. Mind you I had no idea. Whatever I possess that keeps him around I wish I knew. Just can’t be mad at me. I know it’s probably his male reaction towards things.

The mind what it controls the mysteries behind it. I’m curious but I know I will never get the answer I seek to what has kept me in his life all this time. He does always tell me like a broken record if you had done this and that and that. You can’t change what you knew about me from day one. It’s something you knew. Maybe I brought to your life something you e never had. Which makes it hard to let it go.

My mind your mind. It’s a scary time to be us. Two people who need each other in some crazy way but the situations just not allowing it. We know it isn’t good for each other also. As much as we love each other it’s just not a place we need to be.

Just my thoughts on..

I guess we all have our different opinions on working parents. Today someone told me of a woman and her situation. Who am I to judge. As a mother myself I feel ways about mothering my kids. If you plan to have a baby one day, then make sure you have a plan.

When you find out your having a child whether or not it be planned or unexpected then life will change. If you have a partner or going at it alone, you need a plan. Unless you have it good. Most cases the mother and father will work.

This story is about a woman, who is a paralegal. She has a child but is single. She chose to let the father raise the child and she has the child on the weekend. Her job let’s her out by six. I can’t understand if you can get daycare as a mother why not come home from work and raise your child. My children are by far the joy in my life. I don’t care if I come home and not get sleep it was worth no sleep.

I was told she is involved in art scrapbooking on certain days. Sometimes she volunteers. Then on other days she heads to the local watering hole with the coworkers. She chased her last man all over the place during the week to spend time with him. Why didn’t you come home and take your child out and read to the child.

I guess not everyone is made to parent. I know it’s my opinion but if there’s time in a day I can’t see why efforts can’t be made to be a mother. You created this life. It’s very very sad that a career and social standing are more important to the life you gave to this child.