Round and round it goes.. Where it stops nobody knows.. Do you think the odds ever change? Do you think you’re that one in a million shot..
No.. Not everyone is that lucky.. Playing with fire gets you burned. Remember what has been done in the dark will come out in the light.. Don’t expect to be handed a good life. Especially if the strife and mistreatment and misfortune you have caused others is of great proportions..
We are grown ups here.. So how come I find it funny when a guy/girl wants to use Facebook messenger, Skype or Kik to talk to a girl. We all have phones.. We usually know why because they’re hiding they’re in a relationship of sorts.. I don’t play those games.. Grown ups don’t have time for little children.
Not tonight.. Not any night!
I wish that I had listened. I didn’t need another lesson to be learned. I feel stupid enough.
I’m tired of people telling me I will be fine and all that. It doesn’t ease the hurt. None of those things do.
This is how I feel.
Fuck it all.
Why is it that we live in a world where the only time people want to talk to you is when they want something. Nothing else but their wants.
We live in a world where no one can talk like human beings. Feelings can’t be said. The word love is thrown around like a ball. But we walk around taking nude selfies for someone who we don’t even know. Something so intimate but given to a stranger.
We can’t say what’s going on or be true but getting with a chick for a cheap piece of ass is more worth it then someone who means the world to you.
Sure open up your zipper, open up your vagina. But don’t open your heart or mouth.
Depression is horrible. Anyway that it starts and comes about. It’s horrible. It’s a pain that just never heals. My hearts been broken for as long as I can remember. I had a crush at age five and he never cared. It just was me falling for boys but nothing back. Sure the pain of a broken heart wasn’t so bad..
I know the pain in my life comes from my father who left. Always searching for someone to love. I’ve been a quiet person and I didn’t ask for anyone’s help. I would feel so depressed due to so much. Eventually I would manage through the storms. My ups and downs that would trigger weight loss and gains. Funny how a girl so shy, so insecure never had body image issues. No eating disorders. No cutting. I could hate myself and the only self harm I had was tearing skin off my fingers. That was my nervous anxious habit. When I couldn’t take the way it felt I stopped.
I hate the depression that needing to be loved makes me feel. It’s one thing to be loved by kids and your mother. The love of best friends. The love from family. Longing to be loved by someone that’s something else. Watch tv, everyone has someone. Can’t even watch a DIY show without watching a happy couple need a home fixed. Don’t they target single people. Sigh. Everyone has someone. I’m here blogging about it. Feeling so like shit.
So damn alone. Over a man whose duped me not once not twice numerous times. All because I believed we had a calling to come into each other’s lives. That I was suppose to help him. Sheesh. Now I’m feeling depressed and have anxiety anger. Just not wanting to move on.. Look whose celebrating.
I hate this pain.. I wish I stopped being so stupid and listen to myself I know what’s right, I just live for the wrong. Go away.. Let the pain go.
I used to believe in signs or fate. Maybe I just wanted to believe illusions. I wish my mind and my imagination weren’t so active and always going a mile a minute.
Now I know that things just happen in life. Never put meaning where there is none. Once upon a time strangers met. That’s all it ever was.. Nothing is meant to be.
She asked what has she done. She got no answer. That’s it you got your answer. How hard is it to just say it? What is it? Is it another woman? What is it? Are you really going to continue to play games? How old are you?
The game continued. Days would pass. Then a quizzical text. She often would ignore the texts. He would bother her. Are you ok? No I’m not ok she replied. I’m depressed. I need my friend. I need you. How was I there for you she thought and when I need you where are you. He doesn’t reply. Like a wimpy boy he says nothing. She shakes her head. How her heart is aching for him. Just an answer. What are we? The last six months were hard but blissful. Fun and wild. Just like that it came to a halt. What why?
What happens? He said I’m getting my life in order. What does that mean. She’s been there before. When an everyday fun flirty text becomes cold, no feeling. It usually means you’ve been replaced. Just give me that she thought. We knew what we were doing. We knew it was a dangerous game. Feelings involved. We all knew it. He knew she was fragile. She feels it’s another woman he says it isn’t. He said that before why should she believe him?
Getting your life in order is a great thing. How do you push out the one person who never left your side. Oh you got what you wanted. Sick of the games. So sick. Just man up. Those balls of yours are there. Man up. Man up why can’t you be honest to a girl who helped you through it all. Sad. You know how her heart aches.
Another day another dollar. Except where the hell is the dollar. Seems the more I work the less I see. Is it me? What the hell is going on here. I used to be happy go lucky. Yea I could get moody. Yes I am a female. I am also a Virgo. Heck I am everything my sign says I am. Picky you name it. But hell is it me? I really truly can’t stand people anymore. The amount of common sense seems to have gone out the window. I want to just slap everyone. I think if I did I would still be a bit uptight.
I have no clue why I feel like this. Life isn’t that bad right now. Just nothing is making me happy. Customers at work just seem to irritate the shit out of me. Today one in particular. Can you help me? I was helping my customer who was in front of me. I said I will page you someone. So I do continue helping whom I was helping. The guy interjects well are they coming. Now I am fuming. Really dude. I paged someone I have no idea whose out there. I am here trying to help this guy out. Don’t you know what patience is? Then the annoying one wanders into my cubby hole and starts touching things everything while I am still helping my customer. I page again in front of him. Dude I got this guy already I am trying to help and you’re making this three minute process turn out to be an eternity. Finally when I said where I was is totally separate from the store does he leave. I was extremely irritated.
I can’t seem to find a reason to smile lately. I walk around with a chest full of pain. Everything is ok, so where the heck is this all coming from. I have or I feel like I have anxiety brewing up inside my chest. It is bad enough I stopped drinking my favorite soda Pepsi. I did a nice three month stint and here I am back at it. I’m jumpy and all that too. Fuck it has to be the soda. I could be outside and someone comes from behind me I get so scared. I know I hold the answers to whats bothering me but I can’t even narrow it down.
Is it the kids? Work? Him? Life? Lord if I know. I just want to be able to breathe be normal. But for some reason something just isn’t right. I can’t understand why. So its deeply getting to me. Don’t get me wrong I have been in my job for sixteen years I know how to be friendly and courteous towards people its just how people are now that makes me seriously shake my head. I think its bad enough today, every time I checked my Facebook feed no matter how many times someone said it was a hoax someone would post the status about the privacy feed. I felt smacking the shit out of these idiots. Look its plain and simple. Either delete your account or don’t share public information about yourself. How hard is it to do that?
Maybe it isn’t me, maybe I just need to stop tolerating the world. Like I actually give a hoot? No, honestly don’t care if no one reads this. I don’t care what anyone has to say on what I think or do. I try my damn hardest to do what I can in this world. I wish I had all the time in the world to do what I want to do.
So I don’t drive. I never really planned too. Living in NYC you get to point A to point B with public transportation. 8 years ago I moved out of state in hopes of finding a better future. What I found were twisted 40 year old so called friends with backward roots. I high tailed my 30 year old ass back to the city..
I had planned to drive in the Midwest wish I had gotten my license. Can’t dwell on the bad. Can’t dwell on the reasons why I never had one and all that. I have 21 months before my permit expires. I wasted all of 2014 being bummed on a broken relationship. No more moping around its gotta happen.
So I took to social media.. A platform I use to post pics mostly because it makes me cringe on occasion. I asked for anyone to give me lessons. I basically heard crickets. Then little by little four people said they would. Not one of them lives in NYC. Two are from Florida. My cousin and little brother respectively. The other two are from California. So not one person I know related to me that lives here even tried. So I’m not mad. I basically can tell how busy people are. But if I took to social media and begged and pleaded that something tragic would happen I’m sure I would get the I would help you speech.
So I took to my blog because I think taking to Facebook might make a bad guy if I pointed this out. When you see a girl who lives close to you talking about her teen daughter driving. You know there’s time. Oh wait, must not be in that circle. It’s all good. Might seem spiteful to feel or right this but hey I’m trying. I guess I will find my own way to get my driving perfected. Driving schools, nope not that one I chose. Suppose to be the best.. But I seen differently. I’ll get there with or without help. Thanks for letting me see what is more important. The posts about your new hater or a post about someone wanting to learn something. Haters win all the time!
My whole journey and the reason I made this blog was because I was so saddened and upset over the break up with Austin.. It’s been a year now. It seems that the year went by so quick. Honestly nothing really changed from last year before the break up.
I admit that the summer was the worst one ever for me. Emotionally. But I didn’t lock myself up in the house. I actually went away, went to the beach and just overall enjoyed myself. The past three months though was more bittersweet though. No one imagined his father would pass on. That would forever change our relationship.
I will be the first to admit yes I am a sucker for love. For him for everything. Yes he cheated on me. Yes he was in a relationship with me and some other girl for two years. Why did it end up the way it has. The emotional connection. Something we always had and why we couldn’t let go. Finding it a player got played on his end. Well I don’t think she’s much of a player I think she got bored at home and wanted outside action. Whatever it was, it never was solid as he never trusted her. After his fathers passing the demise of their relationship came. I became the shoulder to lean on.
We have a much better relationship and are closer. Everyone thinks we are together but I don’t classify what it is. We spend time together and just enjoy each other’s company. I’m not looking to be with anyone right now. Even if he said lets try again, I can’t I have so many things that I need to do before I work on us. Whatever we are it has no name. My coworkers and everyone think we are back together I just say don’t label it. At any moment he might find another someone and its alright by me. I didn’t say I wasn’t looking but I don’t have the time and energy to work on another relationship with a home right now. That would require so much work that just isn’t in the cards.
I enjoy the smiles and laughter. I enjoy the dinners and the fun we have. I have happiness that I hadn’t had for a while. I know that I could get hurt again but that’s something I will have to deal with when I cross that bridge. He knows where I stand on us.. But I don’t question him on it. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.
Yea it’s been a year. You know what I’ve made it thru.