He told me it was my fault he couldn’t move on.. But he keeps telling me he has to move on. It’s funny how I’m the one who has nothing to lose. I’m not grasping at anything.
Every little foolish move made its my fault.. Sure I know I can’t stay here. I’m the one who never wanted anything. Why does someone care for someone so much they won’t let them go but they won’t chose to be with them either. Instead they keep trying to find others and it never works because the feelings aren’t there..
Sometimes I wish I never met you..
How dare you the one with the problems make it seem like it’s my fault. He said we could have worked if we took it slow. I laughed. He said I wanted to see him daily. Nope. At anytime he could have went home after work. He’s the one who came each night, he’s the one who started the relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t really think he would take me on.
All the blame is to me, when he knows he wanted to be here. Now we play games. He can’t seem to be happy he tells me. He can’t give his all. When I met him. He gave me his all. No secrets I knew him. Now he hides himself. Now he tells me he can’t get over me. But yet move on. He moves on to settle. These girls will never do all I did..
Why the hell am I so good to keep you wanting me but you don’t want to try.. I want the words I want the answer but I’m sure it will be another lie. I can’t expect a boy to take on a woman. Can I?
Round and round it goes.. Where it stops nobody knows.. Do you think the odds ever change? Do you think you’re that one in a million shot..
No.. Not everyone is that lucky.. Playing with fire gets you burned. Remember what has been done in the dark will come out in the light.. Don’t expect to be handed a good life. Especially if the strife and mistreatment and misfortune you have caused others is of great proportions..
So if you ever speak to others on cheating I’ve had many women friends tell me that you shouldn’t blame the other woman who was cheating with your man. Nope sorry. It takes two to tango. Two for everything so if you think I won’t put the girl on blast you are wrong.
I finally read an article that I saw on facebook where they did put the blame on the other party. Sorry he didn’t just face first fall in your vagina. When it became more than friends and you guys were sending nudes and sexting. At any minute did you realize what you were doing? When you met up secretly to eat, then ended up in bed. No it was the alcohol. This is the funny part that my ex said he was drunk all the time. Yes he lies but it does give you a laugh when you know he has to get piss ass drunk to put his penis in you.
So Miss 40 year old Mets fan.. I feel sorry for you. Not only because your favorite baseball team is the worst there is nor because you tattooed them on your body. I feel bad because you opened up your legs for a man you met online. You knew he was seeing someone. He posted a status in regards to me that you even replied too. You damn hypocrite. He lied told you things but when you invited him over you still had my sloppy seconds.
It’s funny how my ex linked me to this app called circle. Two years ago. It used to show me where my friends were I knew right off the bat when it said Arverne he was with you. You wanted so much more. You watched him lie to you and date the asian girl. So while he was sleeping with us both there was her. You weren’t even good for him too. You were good to open up your short legs too but nope not good enough to replace me.
You still weren’t good enough and you’re his friend to even be told about his father passing. But he wanted to try something this time. Knowing I’m not a bad person he decided to go where the low point is. Yea you. You deserve each other. You aren’t good enough. He doesn’t want me. So he has to settle because you just open your legs. No other girl takes his game anymore. So until how long this lasts? We all know.
So is opening your legs worth it? At 40 who wants to play the screwing game. Companionship that’s the thing. Anyone can have affairs and open their legs. I want someone who just doesn’t mind cuddling with me. Who will just be there when I need them. I don’t need a fuck buddy.. I guess you do.. I guess you do..
I wish that I had listened. I didn’t need another lesson to be learned. I feel stupid enough.
I’m tired of people telling me I will be fine and all that. It doesn’t ease the hurt. None of those things do.
This is how I feel.
Fuck it all.
Why is it that we live in a world where the only time people want to talk to you is when they want something. Nothing else but their wants.
We live in a world where no one can talk like human beings. Feelings can’t be said. The word love is thrown around like a ball. But we walk around taking nude selfies for someone who we don’t even know. Something so intimate but given to a stranger.
We can’t say what’s going on or be true but getting with a chick for a cheap piece of ass is more worth it then someone who means the world to you.
Sure open up your zipper, open up your vagina. But don’t open your heart or mouth.
She asked what has she done. She got no answer. That’s it you got your answer. How hard is it to just say it? What is it? Is it another woman? What is it? Are you really going to continue to play games? How old are you?
The game continued. Days would pass. Then a quizzical text. She often would ignore the texts. He would bother her. Are you ok? No I’m not ok she replied. I’m depressed. I need my friend. I need you. How was I there for you she thought and when I need you where are you. He doesn’t reply. Like a wimpy boy he says nothing. She shakes her head. How her heart is aching for him. Just an answer. What are we? The last six months were hard but blissful. Fun and wild. Just like that it came to a halt. What why?
What happens? He said I’m getting my life in order. What does that mean. She’s been there before. When an everyday fun flirty text becomes cold, no feeling. It usually means you’ve been replaced. Just give me that she thought. We knew what we were doing. We knew it was a dangerous game. Feelings involved. We all knew it. He knew she was fragile. She feels it’s another woman he says it isn’t. He said that before why should she believe him?
Getting your life in order is a great thing. How do you push out the one person who never left your side. Oh you got what you wanted. Sick of the games. So sick. Just man up. Those balls of yours are there. Man up. Man up why can’t you be honest to a girl who helped you through it all. Sad. You know how her heart aches.
My whole journey and the reason I made this blog was because I was so saddened and upset over the break up with Austin.. It’s been a year now. It seems that the year went by so quick. Honestly nothing really changed from last year before the break up.
I admit that the summer was the worst one ever for me. Emotionally. But I didn’t lock myself up in the house. I actually went away, went to the beach and just overall enjoyed myself. The past three months though was more bittersweet though. No one imagined his father would pass on. That would forever change our relationship.
I will be the first to admit yes I am a sucker for love. For him for everything. Yes he cheated on me. Yes he was in a relationship with me and some other girl for two years. Why did it end up the way it has. The emotional connection. Something we always had and why we couldn’t let go. Finding it a player got played on his end. Well I don’t think she’s much of a player I think she got bored at home and wanted outside action. Whatever it was, it never was solid as he never trusted her. After his fathers passing the demise of their relationship came. I became the shoulder to lean on.
We have a much better relationship and are closer. Everyone thinks we are together but I don’t classify what it is. We spend time together and just enjoy each other’s company. I’m not looking to be with anyone right now. Even if he said lets try again, I can’t I have so many things that I need to do before I work on us. Whatever we are it has no name. My coworkers and everyone think we are back together I just say don’t label it. At any moment he might find another someone and its alright by me. I didn’t say I wasn’t looking but I don’t have the time and energy to work on another relationship with a home right now. That would require so much work that just isn’t in the cards.
I enjoy the smiles and laughter. I enjoy the dinners and the fun we have. I have happiness that I hadn’t had for a while. I know that I could get hurt again but that’s something I will have to deal with when I cross that bridge. He knows where I stand on us.. But I don’t question him on it. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.
Yea it’s been a year. You know what I’ve made it thru.
I can write blogs and blogs about what I should do in life do I ever follow what I preach. No I don’t. I’m miserable. My fault. No need to put salt in my already opened wounds.
Could have been somewhere new by now. No here I am stuck in the same rut. Stealing my time from me because my hearts to kind. I hit the bottom last night. The chest pains, the body aches and headaches. Pain that I don’t need.
A whole year ago I should have walked away. I believe or had believed in signs and was telling myself that the reason I’m around is because of so and so. You know what you can lie to yourself numerous times. Can you convince yourself that it’s right? No you can’t even find it in your heart to see that you’re being treated like garbage.
I’ve given my time to someone to someone that has no love for me. I’m just easy, accessible. When he calls I jump. He has it easy. He doesn’t care.
Here I’ve worried about his feelings. Trying to walk on eggshells so worried about his grieving, yet my heart is continuously broken. I can give advice but yet he doesn’t care. I just wasted a whole year on what should have been doing things for me.
I told him he had wasted my time When he broke up with me. Now look whose wasting my time myself. Now look whose the one with egg on their face.
Last weekend was a nice weekend. Despite the fact I was sick as hell. I spent half the day in my own bathroom. But for him I dragged myself out of the house. For him I put on my best face. I put on a smile.
We went to see his mom. She’s doing ok. She hasn’t seen me in months. We talked and things were good. We stayed about an hour. We said goodbye. We went to have dinner. Her asked me to spend the night. I never have. He had asked me before but I couldn’t because I had to be somewhere early the next morning. I said yes even though I had nothing to sleep in.
We came to his place. He got some things ready for dinner. I was feeling sick so I laid in bed. I helped him here and there and laid down some more. He played a movie. I fell asleep while he played the play station. He crawled in bed at 3:30am. It’s been a long time since we slept together. I turned towards him but I didn’t draw myself to him. I slept, better than I have had in months. I could feel his breathing I could sense him there. Even in my sleep I just kept to myself.
I woke up first. I looked at him, woke him up. He told me it was the best sleep he had in a long time. I knew though with me there he would sleep. A sense of security. A sense someone is there. We laughed and got ready. Day seemed perfect..
Monday rolled around. Quiet. No word from him. This only meant one thing. I felt sad inside. I just kept doing my thing but it bothered me. Tuesday came oh there he goes. He needs me. I told him I couldn’t be there, I had a doctor appointment. Family comes first he said. That was all I would hear from him. A few words Wednesday and nothing. Now I’m getting angry. I’ve done so much and I’m getting repaid so shitty. I ask what’s going on? He says PMS. I said you or me. He goes himself..
So the weekend rolls around. To me I think he needs to get out of his job. It’s not what he wants anymore but that’s my opinion. So I stay quiet. But work seems to bring out anger in him. Saturday rolls around. I’m on Instagram and yes I posted a picture about feeling used. He goes I’m using you now? Yea well you are only when you’re in a good mood.
So I finally hear from him. Grief stricken he uses alcohol as coping. So yea every other week I’m his punching bag. He lets his anger out. To the point it’s not going to end well for either of us. Alcohol isn’t the answer. Maybe I’m not either. Walk Away. Walk away. How much more can I take.
We all began to wonder who she was. Was she kind? Was she nice? Was she going to be everything we hoped for? Anyone whose anyone with half a brain can pull off any stunt. Men and women. Especially if it’s just a game.
She played him for a fool. Sometimes I wonder why women in a sexless marriage, men in a sexless marriage, why they don’t go and leave. They sometimes have affairs. They stay for the children. Is it really best? You know your not going to leave your spouse but you go on trysts with someone else.
She used him to get what she couldn’t get. She tried to manipulate him to be what he couldn’t. She wanted to mold him into a puppet. Her piece of ass and what she couldn’t get out of her spouse she had done to him. When it all came to light she pointed fingers.
Today someone sent a picture to the man she had the affair with. Her smiling pumpkin picking. Holding her child and surrounded with her husband and his parents. Smiling and beaming. After all it was his new Facebook profile picture. She was so manipulative that just months after it burnt with him she’s a happy family woman again. Or was she ever unhappy? She tried to see what she could get? Just a horny bitch trying to get guys on the low. Blue collar because she couldn’t go anyone who wasn’t on her level.
Well played lady.. You burnt a flame but remember it comes back to you.. So while your family now. Don’t expect when you pull your games again one day hubby might have an urge and stray. Not everyone is dense to someone changing.
Good luck.. You’ll need it.