Swing and a miss… That’s what my life sounds like lately. I’m at bat. I’m caught looking. I swear that wasn’t a strike but it was..
I really had to think today. I have my good days and I down right have my hellish days. Today I feel like baseball is something I can compare life too. The days where you’re 4 for 4. There’s days when you can’t even get on base. Moments that tease you like the foul ball that almost makes it look like it’s in fair territory!
I hate to compare life to games but it sure is sometimes. Like any sport there’s strategies behind everything. Can’t play football without plays. A pitcher can’t communicate with his catcher without signs either.
It’s really been an endless circle of highs and lows. Occasionally the lows become negatives and out weight the positive and highs. But then a spark of light comes thru and you can basically breathe again. I really am too strong to be kicked down for long.
Maybe someone did play fair but dirty players never win. So here is to the grand slam I hope to be making soon!
The mind. I really wished I had studied the mind. The most complicated part of our being. It can mess people up and at times do so much damage. It’s scary. What we mentally put ourselves through.
I thought for me that I’ve always been week towards feeling love. When it’s over it’s just not a place I want to be. I always thought with the way I was quiet shy that maybe those traits I showed were because of such.
There’s only been one other man whose shown anger and emotion that was my ex husband. He also did not want to let me go. Not what I’m dealing with now but something kept him around. This is two different types though. I never ever expected the last one I was with to react this way. He always says how confident he is and how he lives his life. I assumed like everyone before me that he knew how to let go. I was quite wrong.
While his trauma that he is dealing with has been brought on by how own actions I’ve become the punching bag. He’s so mad at screwing up what could have been something possibly with Annie. That he feels a way towards me. He couldn’t give himself towards her because of me. Mind you I had no idea. Whatever I possess that keeps him around I wish I knew. Just can’t be mad at me. I know it’s probably his male reaction towards things.
The mind what it controls the mysteries behind it. I’m curious but I know I will never get the answer I seek to what has kept me in his life all this time. He does always tell me like a broken record if you had done this and that and that. You can’t change what you knew about me from day one. It’s something you knew. Maybe I brought to your life something you e never had. Which makes it hard to let it go.
My mind your mind. It’s a scary time to be us. Two people who need each other in some crazy way but the situations just not allowing it. We know it isn’t good for each other also. As much as we love each other it’s just not a place we need to be.
It’s been 20 years! Come on blueshirts! ☺️