He told me it was my fault he couldn’t move on.. But he keeps telling me he has to move on. It’s funny how I’m the one who has nothing to lose. I’m not grasping at anything.
Every little foolish move made its my fault.. Sure I know I can’t stay here. I’m the one who never wanted anything. Why does someone care for someone so much they won’t let them go but they won’t chose to be with them either. Instead they keep trying to find others and it never works because the feelings aren’t there..
Sometimes I wish I never met you..
How dare you the one with the problems make it seem like it’s my fault. He said we could have worked if we took it slow. I laughed. He said I wanted to see him daily. Nope. At anytime he could have went home after work. He’s the one who came each night, he’s the one who started the relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t really think he would take me on.
All the blame is to me, when he knows he wanted to be here. Now we play games. He can’t seem to be happy he tells me. He can’t give his all. When I met him. He gave me his all. No secrets I knew him. Now he hides himself. Now he tells me he can’t get over me. But yet move on. He moves on to settle. These girls will never do all I did..
Why the hell am I so good to keep you wanting me but you don’t want to try.. I want the words I want the answer but I’m sure it will be another lie. I can’t expect a boy to take on a woman. Can I?
Round and round it goes.. Where it stops nobody knows.. Do you think the odds ever change? Do you think you’re that one in a million shot..
No.. Not everyone is that lucky.. Playing with fire gets you burned. Remember what has been done in the dark will come out in the light.. Don’t expect to be handed a good life. Especially if the strife and mistreatment and misfortune you have caused others is of great proportions..
So if you ever speak to others on cheating I’ve had many women friends tell me that you shouldn’t blame the other woman who was cheating with your man. Nope sorry. It takes two to tango. Two for everything so if you think I won’t put the girl on blast you are wrong.
I finally read an article that I saw on facebook where they did put the blame on the other party. Sorry he didn’t just face first fall in your vagina. When it became more than friends and you guys were sending nudes and sexting. At any minute did you realize what you were doing? When you met up secretly to eat, then ended up in bed. No it was the alcohol. This is the funny part that my ex said he was drunk all the time. Yes he lies but it does give you a laugh when you know he has to get piss ass drunk to put his penis in you.
So Miss 40 year old Mets fan.. I feel sorry for you. Not only because your favorite baseball team is the worst there is nor because you tattooed them on your body. I feel bad because you opened up your legs for a man you met online. You knew he was seeing someone. He posted a status in regards to me that you even replied too. You damn hypocrite. He lied told you things but when you invited him over you still had my sloppy seconds.
It’s funny how my ex linked me to this app called circle. Two years ago. It used to show me where my friends were I knew right off the bat when it said Arverne he was with you. You wanted so much more. You watched him lie to you and date the asian girl. So while he was sleeping with us both there was her. You weren’t even good for him too. You were good to open up your short legs too but nope not good enough to replace me.
You still weren’t good enough and you’re his friend to even be told about his father passing. But he wanted to try something this time. Knowing I’m not a bad person he decided to go where the low point is. Yea you. You deserve each other. You aren’t good enough. He doesn’t want me. So he has to settle because you just open your legs. No other girl takes his game anymore. So until how long this lasts? We all know.
So is opening your legs worth it? At 40 who wants to play the screwing game. Companionship that’s the thing. Anyone can have affairs and open their legs. I want someone who just doesn’t mind cuddling with me. Who will just be there when I need them. I don’t need a fuck buddy.. I guess you do.. I guess you do..
Back to what made this blog. Feeling stupid and insecure and about near driven everyone away. I was in love with a narcissist. I truly didn’t fully enter my mind. When I figured out he was I assumed it was just the situation he was in. Then when he came back my way I didn’t even remember it. I was so overjoyed he was back I stupidly forgot he hurt me.
Now I’m here licking wounds. They never healed they’re like scars that never close. Maybe they’ve gotten to that point and I’ve ripped them open. I can truly say I survived him but I can’t say that I will make it out alive anytime soon.
I want nothing to do with anyone really. I get yelled at by my friends for even replying to his texts. Yea let me see you try it and how easy it is. Geez. Best part and what sealed the deal with his mentality is asking me if a friend would let him claim their kid on his taxes. You think after what you put me thru I will do that. He knows a lot of people why ask me.
So I’m back again feeling like it won’t ever get better. My life’s just a girl with dumb decisions. Heck I can raise and parent kids but I can’t even see deceitful ways of a grown man. What the hell does that tell you?!
I wish that I had listened. I didn’t need another lesson to be learned. I feel stupid enough.
I’m tired of people telling me I will be fine and all that. It doesn’t ease the hurt. None of those things do.
This is how I feel.
Fuck it all.
I don’t care how tacky or childish this is.. I’m hurt beyond anything.. So my final healing is going to be to let the anger out!
Guess I should of known by what type of women he picked..
Here’s the drugged up chick from the ghetto he met on the job.. She was before me by a year and a half. I feel sorry for his ex he had at the time. I’m leaving her out of it. She was just blindsided like me..
The asian girl, he claimed on social media of Course as happy anniversary 2 years.. June 18,2014. Mind you we broke up with 12/20/13! She ended up being psycho, married with a kid. Mr.player got played! Touché!!!!
Last but not least.. She fits in the middle of me and the one above.. This one is a prize. Skankarella and nasty.. Throwing her sexuality around in ways. If a man won’t take her she will try a girl.. Eh no problem in that but ewwww!! You guys can start a relationship if you like but if he screwed you while with me he will do it again.. Hood rats offer nothing!!
I couldn’t give a rats ass who sees this.. You ever feel your heart ripped to shreds..
Word of advice.. Beautiful girls are out of your league Mr P! You’re too intimidated by them. You aren’t confident. Always go for the underdogs and bad attitudes. One thing I wasn’t but I was nice.. But ugly is as ugly can get.. Ugly heart and soul..
Some people need a disclaimer!!!
If you have no intentions to be faithful then don’t catch feelings and get in a relationship. Stay that player for life!
If you can’t even say the word commitment and when someone asks you if you’re married or single, and the answer is single because your not married then your a total jerk!
If you think you’ll be blessed by a good man or woman after you screwed a good one over think again.. Karma is a bitch!
Being there helping, the nine yard, he confesses through text. He’s going to spend time with the girl he met on facebook. The girl he met and screwed while dating me. Because she’s changed and she was there for him..
I wasn’t good enough but he kept going back. This time I knew the day after. This time the texts are deleted and every picture is gone.
Depression is horrible. Anyway that it starts and comes about. It’s horrible. It’s a pain that just never heals. My hearts been broken for as long as I can remember. I had a crush at age five and he never cared. It just was me falling for boys but nothing back. Sure the pain of a broken heart wasn’t so bad..
I know the pain in my life comes from my father who left. Always searching for someone to love. I’ve been a quiet person and I didn’t ask for anyone’s help. I would feel so depressed due to so much. Eventually I would manage through the storms. My ups and downs that would trigger weight loss and gains. Funny how a girl so shy, so insecure never had body image issues. No eating disorders. No cutting. I could hate myself and the only self harm I had was tearing skin off my fingers. That was my nervous anxious habit. When I couldn’t take the way it felt I stopped.
I hate the depression that needing to be loved makes me feel. It’s one thing to be loved by kids and your mother. The love of best friends. The love from family. Longing to be loved by someone that’s something else. Watch tv, everyone has someone. Can’t even watch a DIY show without watching a happy couple need a home fixed. Don’t they target single people. Sigh. Everyone has someone. I’m here blogging about it. Feeling so like shit.
So damn alone. Over a man whose duped me not once not twice numerous times. All because I believed we had a calling to come into each other’s lives. That I was suppose to help him. Sheesh. Now I’m feeling depressed and have anxiety anger. Just not wanting to move on.. Look whose celebrating.
I hate this pain.. I wish I stopped being so stupid and listen to myself I know what’s right, I just live for the wrong. Go away.. Let the pain go.
She smiled.. As she stared down the hall.. The smile so broad that the corner of her eyes smiled too..
I’m content she thought. Emotions just wash over you. All that pent up emotion now just was a distant memory. The memories though still there bottled away. Thrown away into the sea to never be opened again. Maybe one day they will resurface but for now, swept in the tide.
Never forget yourself she whispered. She was never selfish only to herself. She gave the world but the world never gave back. She didn’t need it but she wanted it. The slice of humble pie. At least when I lay my head down at night I know my heart was sincere and true. All intentions real and true. I never let anyone down but myself..
At least I’m happy she thought.. For all I have and had.. I never was untrue or changed for anyone. I never broke my own heart. I stayed humble.