He screamed with anger. He yelled and punched at the walls. He had it. The overwhelming grief in his life was to much. The pain in the head, the pain in the chest. He has no more.
I don’t want the pain he says. So he changes the only way he knows how. He becomes uncaring. I have to protect my heart. He knows it’s the only way to harbor his emotions. He’s cold and cruel. Better stand out of his way. He has a bit of the devil inside. I can play the villain. Hate. Nothing but hate.
He’s not a monster he’s not a beast. He’s human. Trying to be a man. Men don’t cry he was taught. Men show no emotion. He has no idea what to do. Anyone who comes his way is a target. Especially those who know him well. The man fights the man wants to cry. The man is so hurt he does not know what to do.
Beast take me alive. I can’t go on this way. I have no life. I have nothing. He does have a life. He has a home. He chose to lay there daily. Sit and watch tv. He can’t make his way out. When he does its for drinking carelessly. The beast is very much alive. It rears its ugly head. Comeback to reality. It will be alright.
I don’t think the beast can be tamed. He’s too wound up. The beast is around. Alive. It doesn’t want to leave.
So I’m beginning to feel like I have my highs and lows. I really hate it. I’m glad that yesterday didn’t make me depressed. Instead I did slowly make my way to work. I got to work I was cracking jokes. Nothing like knowing that even though I was dealing with shit I made it through.
I went to sleep last night feeling shaky and weak. I had it with Austin. I was watching the same episodes of criminal minds that have repeated the past few weeks. Just the episode alone I watched just made me think about people and their mental well being. I fall asleep near two in the morning. I wake up about a half hour later a text from my sister. I was mad when I looked at the title of the text. ” mental health helpline”. I was like did someone tell her what’s going on? She lives states away and we aren’t close at all. I played the file I was in tears it was hysterical. I can’t thank my sister enough.
I wake up about five or so check my phone, it’s a habit. Austin texts me two hours prior, thanks for calling him a coward he is one. I go back to sleep. At ten he texts again that he’s light headed and his pressure is up. Sheesh. At least when I dated him we never fought and things were cool. Date the other chick and he’s fucked up like he’s on drugs. It’s a shame. It’s a shame to see someone you love, turn into someone you don’t recognize. That some person can change a person. I feel bad in some small ways. I feel bad that this compassionate person has turned into a douche bag. I know how he is. Isn’t how he was. It just escalated.
I don’t understand and will never understand how someone that could have been the love of your life. Could turn into someone totally different. It’s so sad. I wish that if relationships had to end that none have to be so bad. Oh well.
He said he was gonna fuck up his liver tonight. I said ok. I mean what more can I do. Friends, my friends and one ex coworker of his just said he’s an asshole. Sigh. So I was bummed a while.
Work was crazy. My supervisor had me laughing. My coworker got me a nice slice of pizza for lunch. When I was reading in the back someone comes to see me. I was told I had a visitor. I brushed it off thinking it was crazy Camilio from Thursday. I head to the restroom. There’s Gary. We talk. Gary’s ex wife worked with me. Sadly she was an addict and did clean up was married for a while she relapsed and totally collapsed left the job and went back to her ex ex. She was a nice girl I really liked her. We talked about things, the kids. I’m really trying to hurry at this point I had to punch back in. Gary asks me to take his number down. So I’m like ok let me use the bathroom. So I go and he rings my phone while I’m in there. I hate that. He leaves me a voicemail. I never checked the message until 4 hours later. He’s asking me out.. So now it’s do I go out on a date with Gary? I’ve never dated someone’s ex of anything. I guess I have a week to say yes or no anyway.
I missed my bus home tonight but I walked home. I saw things that made me smile and I just felt such a relief. I was still thinking how sad it is that Austin is how he is but music and songs can totally make you feel powerful. I made it home with strength. I’m not weak tonight. I’m gonna be ok.
There’s a girl at my job that will be thirty this year. Her boyfriend of three years is just twenty two. All they do is fight. Today she walked into my section with the guy from electrical already talking about relationships. At one point I interjected.
I told her sometimes it’s not worth it. She truly believes that her man will change. Her mentality is one of a child. She wants to talk about Hondas and all the guys she dates are younger than her. Lucky if they can legally drink. Her current one hits her cheats on her and uses her. She isn’t afraid to admit it. I clearly told her that as much as you want to believe that things will change for the better it never will. If he’s talking to a girl in front of you he will never respect you.
She thinks arguing and fighting will keep him. I just in turn shut up. Fine waste your time, that’s what you want you might end up like me. This girl could have any guy she beautiful just a bit of an airhead. Closing in on thirty I would be thinking about stability and not where the next race will be. I know you can’t change someone’s mentality but I would hope she eventually takes the blinders off.
I guess we all have our different opinions on working parents. Today someone told me of a woman and her situation. Who am I to judge. As a mother myself I feel ways about mothering my kids. If you plan to have a baby one day, then make sure you have a plan.
When you find out your having a child whether or not it be planned or unexpected then life will change. If you have a partner or going at it alone, you need a plan. Unless you have it good. Most cases the mother and father will work.
This story is about a woman, who is a paralegal. She has a child but is single. She chose to let the father raise the child and she has the child on the weekend. Her job let’s her out by six. I can’t understand if you can get daycare as a mother why not come home from work and raise your child. My children are by far the joy in my life. I don’t care if I come home and not get sleep it was worth no sleep.
I was told she is involved in art scrapbooking on certain days. Sometimes she volunteers. Then on other days she heads to the local watering hole with the coworkers. She chased her last man all over the place during the week to spend time with him. Why didn’t you come home and take your child out and read to the child.
I guess not everyone is made to parent. I know it’s my opinion but if there’s time in a day I can’t see why efforts can’t be made to be a mother. You created this life. It’s very very sad that a career and social standing are more important to the life you gave to this child.
So yesterday my supervisor and I butted heads. Monday. Yup, Monday the day where the meetings are. I get there punch in. Think oh joy another work week!
I get invited to the meeting this week. “Fuck, I’m thinking I hate these things. I have no choice!” The store manager said I had to. So I get there along with some other guy. We get introduced. Not five minutes into the meeting the other guy was brought up to the front. Asked how his training was going. Crappppp! I hate public speaking. So they finish. They call on me. I go up. How’s my training going. “Uh good I say.” I haven’t been taught squat. Why because I’ve done my supervisors work for many years I just don’t know all the reports! I get praised how everything that is good I helped do. “Score!” Store manager is happy.
After almost two hours meeting is done. I wait for my supervisor to come out. He thanks me for not throwing him under the bus. I told him he was lucky. I don’t drive buses. He said “you’re gonna have Danny drive the bus with Lana sitting in his lap?” I got infuriated. I punched out for lunch.
You know my supervisor and I started the same date over a decade ago. Sure he’s older than me he’s like the one of the only father figures I had. I had another coworker around his age that was really like a dad, he retired last year. This one, well he’s the dad you want to smack every so often. I told him what he said wasn’t right. So he interjects that Danny and I were just fwb. I was like oh really. So what are you and your girlfriend? Since Danny didn’t produce a ring. My supervisors been with his girl 27 or so years. Cheating on her 16 or more years. They still live together.
I knew Danny never wanted to be committed to a woman. Being I was once married I was ok just being where I was. I don’t need a ring or a title to show where my relationship is or going. Many people are together for years before getting married. My sister just got married ten days ago. They’ve been together fourteen years. My uncle David married his girlfriend twenty one years after they met. They got married 13 years ago but they’ve been together so long now. Whose to say you need validation?
So back to my supervisor I’m telling him you just can’t go there. He tells me they applied for five marriage licenses and never got married. Not my problem. He told me he asked the girl who moved out of the country to marry him she said yes of course are they getting married? Nope. His girlfriend of 27 years would kill him. I told him he isn’t so smart. He likes to hunt. You never know if she can get her hands on the ammo!
I wouldn’t let him get the best of me especially someone doing something wrong. Hey it’s my fault for sometimes telling him anything but I need to vent but in this case don’t judge me when you can’t really validate yourself.
As for Danny, he’s been quiet. He traded in the PS3 I bought him for Christmas in 2012 for the four and he’s been living on that. I haven’t been texting him. I haven’t been seeking him out either. Shits annoying because I miss him. I was doing so well until he told me about Lana further a month ago. I just hate having to feel I have to be compared to someone. I really hate knowing that he shared my business with her or others. I already know about hers. He won’t open up to her but I know everything from family stories to personal details. I know more than his own best friends know. That’s the crazy part. He doesn’t want to make himself look like a dirty dog to his female BFF he grew up with. So he knows a little. His male BFF probably knows half. I know the whole story. Why do you trust me so much, keep me at bay.
So I’m not doing well I feel like I’ve got no where to turn. I really need a friend. Everyone is busy. I hate the age of social media. Back a few years ago in 2007/2008 I was going through something similar. But my friends called me checked on me. Now these days. Everyone is too busy.
You can try to text someone and they don’t respond, call someone they don’t answer but the see them online with the green online light on Facebook! Ugh. You don’t know how many times I’ve tried to hit up anyone but I get. I’m driving right now. So I’m giving up.
So keeping all this bottled up is taking a toll on me. My mind is sad, it’s also not happy. Sometimes I go to bed hoping I don’t wake up. I think of my kids but right now my daughters autism situation is worsening. Believe me I’ve read the books and blogs of some. You know what everyone’s lives are different. I can’t take someone’s thoughts and expect a miracle. But it’s hard to hang in there. It’s hard to be patient.
It’s hard to watch your child lose them self. It’s hard as a parent to think there could have been preventable measures taken. It’s just so hard. No one seems to care that you’re crashing. I just want a shoulder to cry on. I just want to know someone can be there if I fall.
I really need a friend.
I decided to spend some time thinking. There’s a lot of hoopla at my job. Recently a test for promotion was given to a select few. I knew of two for the running the third surprised me! So we heard two of the three passed the test. The two lazy ones. The other this was the third time they took the test failed again. Excuses being made by everyone some people just suck at paper testing. Yea ok.
Anyway so the two that passed in sure in a few weeks they’ll be gone. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing only one of them I had to deal with. They were sort of the middle man not quite human resources but somewhere doing a job. When they go it doesn’t effect my status. So the employees talk and the water cooler talk heats up.
I had a talk with someone. To me I said the only thing keeping me here is they work with me, my schedule and my pay. I’m not going to get this pay anywhere else right now. I’m tired of hearing complaints from others. Always there are people complaining. About hours. They don’t want to work until midnight and when they have to be schedule to come back in the morning it’s a big deal. Yet these are the same people that go clubbing until four in the morning and have to be at work by six and still make it. Yeaaaaa.. Ok.. Lazy!
Then we have the ones who are single with no kids. This is their only job. Scheduling is an issue. It’s retail they want you to work the weekend. They hate management their always late. It’s something. They do the most complaining. Do yourself a favor, if I didn’t have a family and a disabled child I would be out there working two or more jobs! You’re complaining because they won’t give you Saturday and they are getting at you for being late. Be professional! How can you expect anyone to take you serious waltzing in hours late. You’re taking advantage of their leniency! Nothing’s keeping you at the job is it?! It’s plain laziness! No one bothers me I come In do my shift go home! I’m under the radar I don’t need drama. I do my hours and go home.
So really if the job you have you want so bad be responsible to keep it. No going to another location won’t change anything. Sure for a while you will look like an angel but the old habits will come back. Hey it’s retail.
I deleted several numbers from my iPhone last night I admit it felt great. Sadly I’m tired of certain people and their ways.
Ever since I started acting cold to one girl she says hi that’s about it. She’s been a real asshole lately to me. Like dealing with a kid whose struggling isn’t anything oh I’m sorry I have to walk around with a kool aid smile on my face 24/7!
Yea no, when you can tell me you raised a child, you know the struggle and you live with it then tell me until then. Shut your mouth!
So I always walked overnights and evenings. Honestly always working late resulted in me never really seeing a sunset. Sure as a kid I played thru them. Two years ago I noticed how beautiful the summer sky was. How the clouds looked how beautiful the Manhattan skyline was from my job.
Recently with all the turbulence in life I had forgotten about this. Then someone mentioned they missed my sky pics. That evening I caught the stormy sky and clouds and felt myself. The next day I walked 30 blocks in the neighborhood in rain. That tapered off to sun and took pics of beautiful flowers and images in Queens. The winter was harsh but the beauty of spring is alive.
So my passion is in the cloud photos I take. I want to share them. I’m not going to copyright my images and splash my name on them. I hope you enjoy the clouds that make my world brighter and I hope they make an impression to you also.
Some people should not do anything that Requires them to think. Since common sense is so infrequently used. Things we buy come with instructions but how many of us read the instructions.
Just because I can start up something
And showed you the basics on how to use it to the best of my knowledge doesn’t make me an expert.
The day you see me knock out some beams, put in some joists and siding then call me miss DIY but until then read instructions and use the internet and if it’s to dangerous that you can’t figure it out call a professional!