Category Archives: Writing

Go away

Depression is horrible. Anyway that it starts and comes about. It’s horrible. It’s a pain that just never heals. My hearts been broken for as long as I can remember. I had a crush at age five and he never cared. It just was me falling for boys but nothing back. Sure the pain of a broken heart wasn’t so bad..

I know the pain in my life comes from my father who left. Always searching for someone to love. I’ve been a quiet person and I didn’t ask for anyone’s help. I would feel so depressed due to so much. Eventually I would manage through the storms. My ups and downs that would trigger weight loss and gains. Funny how a girl so shy, so insecure never had body image issues. No eating disorders. No cutting. I could hate myself and the only self harm I had was tearing skin off my fingers. That was my nervous anxious habit. When I couldn’t take the way it felt I stopped.

I hate the depression that needing to be loved makes me feel. It’s one thing to be loved by kids and your mother. The love of best friends. The love from family. Longing to be loved by someone that’s something else. Watch tv, everyone has someone. Can’t even watch a DIY show without watching a happy couple need a home fixed. Don’t they target single people. Sigh. Everyone has someone. I’m here blogging about it. Feeling so like shit.
So damn alone. Over a man whose duped me not once not twice numerous times. All because I believed we had a calling to come into each other’s lives. That I was suppose to help him. Sheesh. Now I’m feeling depressed and have anxiety anger. Just not wanting to move on.. Look whose celebrating.

I hate this pain.. I wish I stopped being so stupid and listen to myself I know what’s right, I just live for the wrong. Go away.. Let the pain go.

Answer the question

She asked what has she done. She got no answer. That’s it you got your answer. How hard is it to just say it? What is it? Is it another woman? What is it? Are you really going to continue to play games? How old are you?

The game continued. Days would pass. Then a quizzical text. She often would ignore the texts. He would bother her. Are you ok? No I’m not ok she replied. I’m depressed. I need my friend. I need you. How was I there for you she thought and when I need you where are you. He doesn’t reply. Like a wimpy boy he says nothing. She shakes her head. How her heart is aching for him. Just an answer. What are we? The last six months were hard but blissful. Fun and wild. Just like that it came to a halt. What why?

What happens? He said I’m getting my life in order. What does that mean. She’s been there before. When an everyday fun flirty text becomes cold, no feeling. It usually means you’ve been replaced. Just give me that she thought. We knew what we were doing. We knew it was a dangerous game. Feelings involved. We all knew it. He knew she was fragile. She feels it’s another woman he says it isn’t. He said that before why should she believe him?

Getting your life in order is a great thing. How do you push out the one person who never left your side. Oh you got what you wanted. Sick of the games. So sick. Just man up. Those balls of yours are there. Man up. Man up why can’t you be honest to a girl who helped you through it all. Sad. You know how her heart aches.

Selfish bastard.

That facebook girl

Oh gosh.. You poor girl. You poor girl with 700 thirsty or so guys ok facebook who would love to go out with you. You say they’re all the same. They give you the attention that you need but you complain how they can’t do anything for you.

Truth is ladies. Acting like a skank gets you certain men. If you are willing to send nudes, sext, etc be prepared to attract those men. Don’t whine online.
I can’t stand the girls who have to act like men. Use language to talk.
Sweetheart that isn’t attractive. There are reasons you are single.

First of all you got a record. Who wants a woman who can’t even act right and lands in jail. You got a habit. Weed? Grow the hell up. You don’t even have a career. You have kids but you aren’t raising them. What woman doesn’t raise their kids? If you aren’t a fit parent. You aren’t a fit person. Therefore please stop popping out more kids that end up in foster care.

Interesting enough how you are online if someone wanted you they won’t go online to get what you are getting for free. For the girl who sleeps with other ladies men.. When you get a guy of your own, don’t expect God will bless you with a good guy. What happened? Yup the girl who slept with mine, she got a man who did he wrong. He stole from her and sold her sons play station. Is it right. Can I say karma.
Call it what you will. It is what it is.

I just say stop crying about these people. Just look like a desperate fool anyway!

Why

Everyone has different opinions on politics, raising kids and relationships.
What even makes sense now a days. Everything just seems to be dying. Things can’t even be done right. People just die.

Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Screw the answers. Screw the tears. Have I bothered to care about someone who only cares if they’re right.

The faith in humanity there’s none. We are monsters living in skin. What we care for are items or objects that make us look good. Things that give us pleasure for a short time. I’m sure those hundred dollar shoes will get you somewhere in life. We just ate soulless. Lifeless.

I just want to walk away. Not think. Every time I do it’s just bad memories or memories of what’s to come. Leave me here. I will stand alone staring into the blackness of the dark. Empty.

My life.. 30 seconds

If I would have realized how shows like Friends and How I Met Your Mother would reflect on me now.. I would’ve asked for a time warp to jump past all the bullshit..

We all have that one friend happy couple. The one with kids. The one who can’t ever find a decent relationship. Ahh comedies a burst of energy and joy. I mean no one has that many crazy things happen. At least it’s better than reality TV..

I need to get out more.

It’s been a year

My whole journey and the reason I made this blog was because I was so saddened and upset over the break up with Austin.. It’s been a year now. It seems that the year went by so quick. Honestly nothing really changed from last year before the break up.

I admit that the summer was the worst one ever for me. Emotionally. But I didn’t lock myself up in the house. I actually went away, went to the beach and just overall enjoyed myself. The past three months though was more bittersweet though. No one imagined his father would pass on. That would forever change our relationship.

I will be the first to admit yes I am a sucker for love. For him for everything. Yes he cheated on me. Yes he was in a relationship with me and some other girl for two years. Why did it end up the way it has. The emotional connection. Something we always had and why we couldn’t let go. Finding it a player got played on his end. Well I don’t think she’s much of a player I think she got bored at home and wanted outside action. Whatever it was, it never was solid as he never trusted her. After his fathers passing the demise of their relationship came. I became the shoulder to lean on.

We have a much better relationship and are closer. Everyone thinks we are together but I don’t classify what it is. We spend time together and just enjoy each other’s company. I’m not looking to be with anyone right now. Even if he said lets try again, I can’t I have so many things that I need to do before I work on us. Whatever we are it has no name. My coworkers and everyone think we are back together I just say don’t label it. At any moment he might find another someone and its alright by me. I didn’t say I wasn’t looking but I don’t have the time and energy to work on another relationship with a home right now. That would require so much work that just isn’t in the cards.

I enjoy the smiles and laughter. I enjoy the dinners and the fun we have. I have happiness that I hadn’t had for a while. I know that I could get hurt again but that’s something I will have to deal with when I cross that bridge. He knows where I stand on us.. But I don’t question him on it. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

Yea it’s been a year. You know what I’ve made it thru.

The Beast Within

He screamed with anger. He yelled and punched at the walls. He had it. The overwhelming grief in his life was to much. The pain in the head, the pain in the chest. He has no more.

I don’t want the pain he says. So he changes the only way he knows how. He becomes uncaring. I have to protect my heart. He knows it’s the only way to harbor his emotions. He’s cold and cruel. Better stand out of his way. He has a bit of the devil inside. I can play the villain. Hate. Nothing but hate.

He’s not a monster he’s not a beast. He’s human. Trying to be a man. Men don’t cry he was taught. Men show no emotion. He has no idea what to do. Anyone who comes his way is a target. Especially those who know him well. The man fights the man wants to cry. The man is so hurt he does not know what to do.

Beast take me alive. I can’t go on this way. I have no life. I have nothing. He does have a life. He has a home. He chose to lay there daily. Sit and watch tv. He can’t make his way out. When he does its for drinking carelessly. The beast is very much alive. It rears its ugly head. Comeback to reality. It will be alright.

I don’t think the beast can be tamed. He’s too wound up. The beast is around. Alive. It doesn’t want to leave.

Hope

Hope
Hoping
Hopefully
Hopelessness

To want what I have had is to hope and dream it will be there. All along these feelings have come my way. They’ve been there, inside. Carrying all that I have around. I feel it all. There are times that I feel like I can’t keep on. I look and I think and I know. The four letters of this word. Is Hope.

I’ve met all types of people from all type of places in this world. I’ve met a girl named Faith, when I had nothing. She Worked for an agency that had the name Hope in it. I knew that when I had nothing that this was my Hope. So I didn’t give up. I made it through.

I can never give up or lose Hope. If I lose it, I lose myself. My Aunt may she rest in peace, her name was Esperanza and my little twin, my niece, her name is Hope. I will never give up. Hope has always brought me up. I know I will be ok.

The effect

They treat you like shit. They think making fun of you is cool. Being called names isn’t fun. What have you done to deserve such treatment. All you’ve been was there. Now you get name calling. Really sucks. They know a low blow.
I’m sorry I kinda offended you they say. Kinda? It was more than that. Treated you with such careless disrespect. Offended. No hurt. Apologies? Unacceptable.

Remember when it was done to you. How it made you feel inside? Remember the way it hurt and burnt your soul. Now it’s only a weak ass defense mechanism. You aren’t happy. So how they treat you, you treat others. A cycle. Endless cycle. You’ve gone and become your abuser. Congratulations. How do you feel now?