Tag Archives: breakups

Disclaimer!

Some people need a disclaimer!!!

If you have no intentions to be faithful then don’t catch feelings and get in a relationship. Stay that player for life!

If you can’t even say the word commitment and when someone asks you if you’re married or single, and the answer is single because your not married then your a total jerk!

If you think you’ll be blessed by a good man or woman after you screwed a good one over think again.. Karma is a bitch!

It’s been a year

My whole journey and the reason I made this blog was because I was so saddened and upset over the break up with Austin.. It’s been a year now. It seems that the year went by so quick. Honestly nothing really changed from last year before the break up.

I admit that the summer was the worst one ever for me. Emotionally. But I didn’t lock myself up in the house. I actually went away, went to the beach and just overall enjoyed myself. The past three months though was more bittersweet though. No one imagined his father would pass on. That would forever change our relationship.

I will be the first to admit yes I am a sucker for love. For him for everything. Yes he cheated on me. Yes he was in a relationship with me and some other girl for two years. Why did it end up the way it has. The emotional connection. Something we always had and why we couldn’t let go. Finding it a player got played on his end. Well I don’t think she’s much of a player I think she got bored at home and wanted outside action. Whatever it was, it never was solid as he never trusted her. After his fathers passing the demise of their relationship came. I became the shoulder to lean on.

We have a much better relationship and are closer. Everyone thinks we are together but I don’t classify what it is. We spend time together and just enjoy each other’s company. I’m not looking to be with anyone right now. Even if he said lets try again, I can’t I have so many things that I need to do before I work on us. Whatever we are it has no name. My coworkers and everyone think we are back together I just say don’t label it. At any moment he might find another someone and its alright by me. I didn’t say I wasn’t looking but I don’t have the time and energy to work on another relationship with a home right now. That would require so much work that just isn’t in the cards.

I enjoy the smiles and laughter. I enjoy the dinners and the fun we have. I have happiness that I hadn’t had for a while. I know that I could get hurt again but that’s something I will have to deal with when I cross that bridge. He knows where I stand on us.. But I don’t question him on it. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

Yea it’s been a year. You know what I’ve made it thru.

Thief in the night

He stole her heart the day she met him. She loved him when she looked into his eyes. She saw forever and comfort. She knew that he would be hers forever.

He did steal her hurt and left her wounded. Wound so badly opened that no amount of glue, stitches and even love could ever heal it. He blew her mind with lies and her soul the biggest hole in a place where her heart should be.

One year ago it was over. Like a thief in the night he ran. She was broken beyond repair. She mended her heart with memories and thoughts. Healing and taking time. She saw the their again. He had her heart. He knew how she felt. She was trapped. Her ever beating heart ached to be loved. She embraced him even with a hollow heart.

He wasn’t kind to her anymore. He only knew how to be sincere in a moments notice. She felt she had to be there or he would be lost. Her instincts told her this is where to be. He never cared what she thought. As long as he was taken care. Her heart was cracking and shattering. It can’t hold on. How can you break a heart that isn’t even while she thought? How can she detach herself from the one person she thought was her whole world.

He said be was busy last night. We all played that game. He www busy a lot when he played her heart. She knew her heart was hanging on with pieces. She told him how much her heart aches for him. Can’t do this anymore she whispered. She wipes the tears from her cheek.

The Name Game

So I’ve been thru this many times before.. But this week the name just pops up. It’s annoying as fuck. I swear Austin isn’t a common name to me.

I was working and this lady comes in with a shirt that says keep Austin weird. I shake my head. Did I just see that? Ivan my coworker tells me his wife and kids went to Austin, Texas to see her parents. He went and mentioned the city a handful of more times. I finally told him if he uttered the name one more time it was gonna kick him.

I’ve had to bring papers to a place on Austin Street yesterday. There’s the tv show Austin and Ally. As I was on the road to my doctors office we pass a truck that says Austin’s meats. I am not taking it as a sign but damn I wish I didn’t notice it like that. Kind of sucks ass right now. I need to clear my head and the Austin bug rears it’s ugly head.

So I’m sure it won’t be so profound but it’s just annoying. Keep my mind from thinking about it. Oh well.

Second chances

We always give them. For what. Will a cheater change? Answers will vary depending on the person. We know that we will have doubts anyway on them. Why when we break up we need that person. They could have torn us apart but we still need them.

We are so blinded by what we think is love that we don’t honestly think it through. So you broke up. Why go back? For the sex? Relationships aren’t based on sex? Emotional connection? Sometimes only one partner feels the connection. The other is driven by infatuation.

How often we think it’s going to be better the second time around. Maybe second chances are better when it’s time taken in between them. I don’t mean a month or so. I mean years. Decades who knows. To allow ourselves to grow. In a months time you can’t grow. You only are driven by emotional changes. Nothing concrete.

It is what it is.

Change for yourself

I don’t know I’m sick of hearing “new me, new attitude” because of a break up. If someone broke up with you because you weren’t good enough for them, or anything else like that. Then the problem lies within them not you. There’s nothing stop us to want to make ourselves better. I’m sure there is always room for improvement.

Just because my ex went and found another girl and who knows the exact reasons the excuse always changed. I’m not at fault. I’m not going to dye my hair, do this and that because of him. I’ll do what I need for myself but not because of him. Trying to be like the girl he left me for what would that do. I’m my own person, I have my own mind. I’m not going to copy someone. Whomever I choose to be with next well they have to love me with any faults I have. If you can’t love me with faults I may have you aren’t the one.
So while there’s nothing wrong with losing weight or changing your appearance and self inside don’t do it because someone made you feel worthless. Do it for yourself not because of self pity. That’s why I haven’t jumped Into anything different right after my break up. I knew the problem wasn’t me. I was good enough.
Just remember you are good enough. Never doubt yourself!

Easing on

Good news is I guess time heals all wounds. I’m not all together healed but it really doesn’t hurt so much. I don’t come to tears easily as I used to.

I had kept the details of the end of this relationship hidden from close relatives for months even my own kids. I guess I felt I was protecting them from hurt. I could care less what people think about me or what they have to say on it all. Not everyone needs the exact details. I just hate disappointing my kids. So I assumed I was doing something better on their behalf. Well they know. They are ok but I think my one daughter is very hurt by Austin’s actions but I know she’ll be ok.

I find as days turn into weeks it gets better. I do miss spending time with him and hearing from him daily. But the social media break from each other and the outing and supposed end to his other relationship he was in I guess put this in perspective. Yea of course he doesn’t deserve any feelings from me but for now there are some. I have to remind myself that I was being used towards the end. So whom he actually cares for is her. I was just easy access to him. The girl who would yes him and do anything. Be a second mother to him. I was no longer his lover but someone he shared feelings for.

I tend to sometimes wonder about how the future could play out. I’m not thinking about us being a couple anymore. I always hated being the girl before the right one for someone. I wish we both could be happy but I wish he could change but why should I bother to care when he wouldn’t change for me. I did dodge a bullet. Sucks that I had to take a shot though.

Seriously?

When I tell Steven and Gina about what happened to Austin and I, what came out of their mouths was not what I expected!

Gina said yes it happened to her. Don’t feel bad. Her guy was living with the girlfriend. But would take Gina to moms home. Steven told me, that just happened Saturday night to my sister in law. Except the guy had two families
With both ladies.

I guess I’ve seen it on soap operas, tv shows but you never truly believe you will be the one involved in someone’s double life. I guess I got burnt, I got out unscathed. You hear of nasty bitter relationships like this that lead to violence.

Now I hope that my girls will avoid men like this for the future. Cross my fingers!

Finally time to begin a new

Finally after months Austin aka Danny in all my previous blogs, has decided to sever everything since I wasn’t strong enough to do so. Hey it took a lot out of me. The social media unfriending process. Sure it felt like someone dies when that happens but it’s better for me anyway. Not that what he was posting made sense anyway.

It sucks we were co dependent on each other the past few months. Now we are truly moving on. I’m angry and sad because I’m now seeking help to deal with this. Since if I don’t I won’t ever function normally. I’ve caught myself walking aimlessly. I almost got hit by a car when I wasn’t paying attention. Not good. My kids need me. I wish I never wasted so much time on him. That’s the past it’s done.

I woke up Sunday feeling worse than anything I called out from work I didn’t sleep much I just sat at home just needing to be away from a lot of people. My coworker Drew has the worst PMS almost everyday. Sometimes I wanna choke him. I wish he would bathe or get laid. He stinks and is uptight all the time. That I could do without!

I took to social media and dissected my friends. I deleted a handful of friends who were assholes. I’m not mad I let Carol go. Being sarcastic is one thing but she needs a lesson in manners. She makes fun of others while looking like that lady with the crazy make up from the Drew Carey show. I’m sure she would compare herself to Garcia from Criminal Minds, but that girl has more class than Carol.

I said goodbye to aunts that never would say anything to me. My dad seemed to be the black sheep and my Long Island cousins are the royalty I guess. Those kids can’t do any wrong. So be off. No need to be judged!
I tried to reconnect with this guy I has known ten years ago. I made the effort to see him. He basically took advantage of my state of mind. So I never respected him again after that. With all the public transportation we have since his car isn’t fixed and he claims no checks have gone through I said this guy isn’t set on anything with me regardless. So I deleted his number. Maybe it was a mistake to reconnect but lesson learned besides that was only about 3 weeks out of my life.

Lastly a friend since tenth grade. She made me feel like shit when I needed a friend. So since our friendship never recovered I decided that we grew apart. I grew up with reality and I know what’s real. I don’t need to be perfect and live in a world that’s not real.

It’s nice to know people care about me throughout this. I was honest to my kids and even my oldest is my biggest supporter. Everyday someone is checking in on me.

I always speak to the overnight pharmacist in my 24 hour cvs. So just a little while ago I told her she was right. When she has down time in the night shift I talk to her. She would always see Austin and I together a few months back I told her about the break up. I told her everything this morning. She told me he’s gonna come back, you can’t take him back. Remember what he told you when he tries. She’s pretty witty and funny and she’s dealt with something similar. Funny part is how she had me laughing. If you ask a man if they’re single and they can’t give you a direct answer she said she literally told one guy let me ask you again in the state of NY are you legally single.. Lol

So here’s to moving on. I know I will see Austin once in a while he drives the city bus and the new run passes my job hopefully he will pick a different one for the fall to make it better on us both.

Setbacks

I met up with my childhood friend of over twenty five years. We went shopping at Target. Then we sat down at Red Lobster where I began to slowly unravel parts of the story about my now defunct relationship. She knew back in the winter when it was over but she didn’t know about the new sordid details.

I’m tired of the how could I not know questions. I didn’t you know. I attributed the distance to work and my kids I didn’t think he would fully go and date two people at once. I can’t even try to put myself back to those times I mean I was blind and paid the price.

My friends sister told her that the amount of time you were with someone well divide that In half for how long it will take to get over that person. I am not even considering looking at two and a half years.

I’ve suffered one hell of a set back. Right now everything is turning into shit.