He told me it was my fault he couldn’t move on.. But he keeps telling me he has to move on. It’s funny how I’m the one who has nothing to lose. I’m not grasping at anything.
Every little foolish move made its my fault.. Sure I know I can’t stay here. I’m the one who never wanted anything. Why does someone care for someone so much they won’t let them go but they won’t chose to be with them either. Instead they keep trying to find others and it never works because the feelings aren’t there..
Sometimes I wish I never met you..
How dare you the one with the problems make it seem like it’s my fault. He said we could have worked if we took it slow. I laughed. He said I wanted to see him daily. Nope. At anytime he could have went home after work. He’s the one who came each night, he’s the one who started the relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t really think he would take me on.
All the blame is to me, when he knows he wanted to be here. Now we play games. He can’t seem to be happy he tells me. He can’t give his all. When I met him. He gave me his all. No secrets I knew him. Now he hides himself. Now he tells me he can’t get over me. But yet move on. He moves on to settle. These girls will never do all I did..
Why the hell am I so good to keep you wanting me but you don’t want to try.. I want the words I want the answer but I’m sure it will be another lie. I can’t expect a boy to take on a woman. Can I?
I would rather be myself. Then be with someone and like something because of them. Sure as a couple sometimes maybe you will like the same things. Maybe you’ll get into what the other one likes.
I would pretend to like racing because he does. Invest money in cars because he does. I’ve first hand seen it. Girl admits she isn’t into it but put all her money in his car. It’s the Honda racing you will see in neighborhoods. The kind of things you find the two something guys do.
Don’t complain you are unhappy and expect people to listen at all when you feed into it. People will think. You’re just an attention seeker.
It’s ok to be the girl who loves video games and major sports but don’t pretend to fit in.
So I’m beginning to feel like I have my highs and lows. I really hate it. I’m glad that yesterday didn’t make me depressed. Instead I did slowly make my way to work. I got to work I was cracking jokes. Nothing like knowing that even though I was dealing with shit I made it through.
I went to sleep last night feeling shaky and weak. I had it with Austin. I was watching the same episodes of criminal minds that have repeated the past few weeks. Just the episode alone I watched just made me think about people and their mental well being. I fall asleep near two in the morning. I wake up about a half hour later a text from my sister. I was mad when I looked at the title of the text. ” mental health helpline”. I was like did someone tell her what’s going on? She lives states away and we aren’t close at all. I played the file I was in tears it was hysterical. I can’t thank my sister enough.
I wake up about five or so check my phone, it’s a habit. Austin texts me two hours prior, thanks for calling him a coward he is one. I go back to sleep. At ten he texts again that he’s light headed and his pressure is up. Sheesh. At least when I dated him we never fought and things were cool. Date the other chick and he’s fucked up like he’s on drugs. It’s a shame. It’s a shame to see someone you love, turn into someone you don’t recognize. That some person can change a person. I feel bad in some small ways. I feel bad that this compassionate person has turned into a douche bag. I know how he is. Isn’t how he was. It just escalated.
I don’t understand and will never understand how someone that could have been the love of your life. Could turn into someone totally different. It’s so sad. I wish that if relationships had to end that none have to be so bad. Oh well.
He said he was gonna fuck up his liver tonight. I said ok. I mean what more can I do. Friends, my friends and one ex coworker of his just said he’s an asshole. Sigh. So I was bummed a while.
Work was crazy. My supervisor had me laughing. My coworker got me a nice slice of pizza for lunch. When I was reading in the back someone comes to see me. I was told I had a visitor. I brushed it off thinking it was crazy Camilio from Thursday. I head to the restroom. There’s Gary. We talk. Gary’s ex wife worked with me. Sadly she was an addict and did clean up was married for a while she relapsed and totally collapsed left the job and went back to her ex ex. She was a nice girl I really liked her. We talked about things, the kids. I’m really trying to hurry at this point I had to punch back in. Gary asks me to take his number down. So I’m like ok let me use the bathroom. So I go and he rings my phone while I’m in there. I hate that. He leaves me a voicemail. I never checked the message until 4 hours later. He’s asking me out.. So now it’s do I go out on a date with Gary? I’ve never dated someone’s ex of anything. I guess I have a week to say yes or no anyway.
I missed my bus home tonight but I walked home. I saw things that made me smile and I just felt such a relief. I was still thinking how sad it is that Austin is how he is but music and songs can totally make you feel powerful. I made it home with strength. I’m not weak tonight. I’m gonna be ok.
Today Leslie tells me I should date myself. I told her about the situation that happened yesterday. Why I seem to be the creep magnet. She’s lucky I’ve known her since we were 12 or I would have taken that wrong. I told her Austin wasn’t a creep. She said yes he was for his deceitful nature. Blah.
I’m not sure how to date myself yet. I have kids. I’m a mother. I work full time. I’m responsible I pay my bills. I’m smart and intuitive. So why the heck am I attracting creeps. Ok I’m too nice at times. I get vulnerable at times. But still..
I know now that I can’t date right now it’s way to early. I see every guy as a possible manipulator. The last few I even spoke to for a short time gave me that vibe. When you come straight after me for sex. Instant creep category.
I hate to be alone with myself when I feel so vulnerable. Do I really need to change a part of me to not attract creeps.
Someone asked me for my number.. He seemed nice so after hesitating I gave it out. I have to give people chances I know. Two hours after I give it to him he calls again and again. I’m like seriously. I don’t talk on the phone during work hours.
I walked home and I’m getting messages and all by the boat load, this guy says he misses me. Uh you just met me 6 hours ago. I wake up at 8 something today to my phone buzzing. I look at it and see the guy is calling me again. I decline hit airplane mode on my IPhone and go back to bed.
After I get to work I was like maybe I was to harsh. I’m still harboring feelings for the ex. So I apologize and tell Camilio that I don’t answer my phone at work and I don’t get up that early. Eventually he calls again. I’m like look I will call you back once the next coworker comes in, which I did. I ended winning a big prize with this one!
He felt like he’s known me forever he tells me. He think he loves me. I’m like dude slow the hell down. What do you think of me he asks? I don’t know I say I can’t say much. Over one phone conversation. He says he wants to see me. I’m like I don’t know. Oh yea I don’t know, it’s my favorite word in this whole conversation. Eventually I’m like ok fine. What time he asks is better. I say after five, he tells me no noon. Why the hell did you ask. Five and later is better. I needed a new IPhone cord so he offers to buy me one and one for my daughters iPod 4. I’m like what?! I’m like I also have to wash clothes. He offered to buy clothing. Anyway I eventually get off the phone with him.
An hour later he calls me back I miss you I love you. Ok I’m mad as fuck now. I pick up and he is really telling me no you need to pick up when I call you. Excuse me? We have this connection I feel it. What the hell are you feeling? I’m so mad I’m flinging cardboard boxes. No one pushes me to tell me how I feel about someone. I met you twenty four hours ago buddy. I don’t feel nothing for you. Except pure annoyance. I hang up again. He texts me and asks to call me again. This time I declined every call.
I text you don’t respect me. You don’t care if I get fired for being on my phone. You wanna tell me you love and miss me. You know what stay the hell away from me. I went and got my own cord tonight. Thank you apple store on 5th avenue for being 24 hours! While I was there I blocked Camilio’s number. I think that’s the quickest I ever dropped anyone..
He seemed to want to tell me I have to live my life not let anyone tell me how but he was telling me how. He wanted me to do all this have time for him but when I said a time it’s no good. I don’t care how much positivity out the ass you have. Don’t ever tell someone you love and miss them when you know jack about them.
True story. Can’t make this up.
Now it’s just for the blog. There is seriously no one out there. Actually people that read what you want etc. I’m not losing sleep over it. It’s just becoming a joke now.
Today I check OKC I see a message from a 21 year old boy. Are you out of your mind. My eldest son is 19! Sorry get your MILF thing on elsewhere. Creepy! I’ve actually stopped replying to messages left to me. It’s more of a bother to take the energy out and have to repeat myself.
I can see why some men are single. Rude as shit! Don’t message someone you don’t know and get all pissy they haven’t replied to you. This experience makes me aware of what I want in a guy. I don’t want one that needs to be up your butt 24/7. I like freedom and space.
Let’s see how long I can take this experiment. I’m leaning on deleting it soon. I know I don’t want an online guy anyway. I do want to meet someone the old fashion way. Messaging just isn’t cool. How often do we feel someone has an attitude when they text or so and it just comes out that way.
So last week I had deleted my OK Cupid profile. I really was getting the stupid people sending me messages. I guess then I got bored. So on Friday I decided to set one up again. So any biters a few. Some could take a hike. Plenty of people look but I guess my bio is too much for them! Lol.. Hey I have to stress there is not just one child I have so if children is a problem keep it moving.
I basically give people a chance when they want to talk to me. A few got the three strikes and your out treatment after a stupid random question they asked. How many kids? That was a normal question. But followed by was it the same father you totally got chewed out on. You are here trying to get to know me. No I didn’t have a number of kids fathers. That is just rude. Wait until we are on that cool part to ask me more. Just stuff about nationality favorite foods etc. Oh well be gone to those who I didn’t ever reply back to.
I seem to attract guys with no kids. That is the crazy part..
Anyway back to the random replies I had liked one guy. I gave him my number to text. He is just to quiet. I am used to men that take charge. That do things. That aren’t quiet. This guy makes me seem like I talk more. I used to be the queen of being quiet. He replies but barely its like pulling teeth. Am I gonna meet him. I have no clue. He has to give me more than the smile face icon. Ugh. I had asked why he hasn’t met anyone. We are the same age. He says his work schedule. He works 7 days a week and he just is quiet. Well obviously. Could be an axe murder? Uh I won’t know. Guess will have to see.
The same OKC app this guy just set up a profile and tried to message me. Guess what another soldier.. Oh boy. I gave him an email I don’t use. He sends me long paragraphs at a time. On Ok delete your profile you are mine now. Excuse me. What are you a loon? Pics of awards from the navy with his name on it. I am like uh huh. The way he words things. I am starting to get seriously annoyed. I had told him my name in the first message at OKC so the name of my email just is the email name he was replying with that. So if my email name was email@example.com he would literally say hi douche how are you. Something about this guy isn’t right. So I gave him the don’t waste my time speech. If you want anything from me you are barking up the wrong tree. Yea harsh but yea I am not stupid yet do I enjoy my time being wasted by mental games. Update. Guy got weirder and weirder so I told him don’t ever contact me again. I don’t feel you. Something’s off. Ugh.
I guess I will give OKC one more week if nothing it’s not my loss. It’s just not the right time you know. I will not result into going on a reality show..lol I was flipping channels and I saw a new show called Dating Naked. Is that what life is going to now. Heck no. If I can’t find someone with clothes on I am not doing it naked.
Otherwise right now, this is some weird experience. Keeps the entertainment though!
I sorta used to have feelings. I used to care about everything and everyone. Past several months I realized I can’t do that. Am I normal? Not even sure. Maybe it’s just the hurt.
A month ago I reconnected with B. I was using a check in app and I saw he had too. Messaged him, we met up. He wanted a life long partner to grow old with. What I got was spider fingers all over. That was the same day ironically that Austin proudly proclaimed he was in a two year relationship. I had found B early that morning though. I wasn’t feeling B like that. He didn’t draw out anything to me. I figured it’s Austin, I’m so used to him that I got him on my mind.
So a week later B wanted to see me. I was like ok but his car was in the shop I take the train out. Still didn’t feel like I had anything in common. B truly felt we had a connection. B truly wanted what was between my thighs too.. Smh. If you had wanted me I would think you would have taken me out and just talked not try to head to bed. I felt disappointed. Maybe B hasn’t had sex in ages. But either which way. I decided not to try.
I didn’t say much to B in the days since hi and such. I’m not going to chase down people. A little too addicted this guy was to checking in on Facebook and four square. So the last day I heard from him was the day after July 4th. Which he asked how I was. I wasn’t in any type of mood to be bothered. I never replied. A week later I get a text. I had deleted his number it was no longer saved. It said hi I’m in the hospital I had a stroke. He’s 45. I said omg I’m sorry. That’s all I knew to say. I feel a bit heartless though.
I don’t think I’m in the right point of my life to make long term decisions. Maybe now a days a number of guys thinks a connection means let’s get naked and do it. But no. I can’t start off that way.
Hope you recover soon B.. I’m sorry I’m not the girl for you.
So I was trying to clear my head this weekend. I was bored yesterday downloads dating apps. Zoosk and match suck. Seriously love is worth anything to me but paying to see what a man has to say to me on a site? No I’m not going to pay for that. It’s not a big deal for me. I’m not looking into a relationship like that. Just want to date or just talk to some people.
Meet me, wow that was a joke and a half. Within an hour. I had one 19
Year old send me a pic of his penis and offer me oral sex. I blocked him. Then I had about 4 more between 23-26 offer me oral sex and sex. Blocked them all. Only on the site three hours I deleted my picture and profile. Creeps! Oh well!
So far ok Cupid is ok. I chatted with about two people. But nothing interesting! At least not a bunch of sex crazed young ins there!
I tried mamba. It seems ok. But I’m getting replies from everywhere. One guy seemed nice but who knows he’s from Florida. I think the best was a guy from Africa telling me how beautiful I was and after blowing up my inbox he tells me how he wants to get married.. Lol I told him I wasn’t looking for anything single yet alone that far! Lol I’ve seen on plenty of Facebook groups about interracial couples etc how men in other countries hit on these women just to come abroad. The funniest part, I said hey my coworker is from Ghana. He’s there now! lol which is true. He’s on vacation. But hey seriously come to the states like my coworker did via working. I’m no sucker to marry a man for a visa! Of course he never replied! Loser!
You have to love these apps! And websites! They are making me laugh that’s for sure!
As you know I changed the names of Danny and Lana for my personal life.. I guess now I don’t care. They could google themselves! For now I will still write the way I do.. But for this open letter you will understand why I said what I said, with the real names.
A reply to your text to me.
You will never understand how to be with a man like Austin. Austin is a man far beyond any man you have dealt with. His heart is gold his personality exuberant and he’s smart vivacious and he lives life knowing it’s all fun and to enjoy.
You may have managed to succeed in taking him from me, but I never lost him. You see we share a deep bond that spans time. Sometimes in life people have to leave your life for you to grow and learn. Well I let Austin go. But he never left my spirit and heart. You see you will never understand what this man is or who he is. What you see on the outside is different on the Inside. Austin’s drive for life made me secure and he was always there when I would fall. He never let me down and he encouraged me to keep going and focus on myself. Austin’s courageous being pushed me to new journey and places.
When I met him he was sincere and honest and open. A quality you could never bring out in him. He shared his life with me and I shared it back. Simply called love, trust and loyalty.
A woman like you has no loyalty to her man. You strive to control and bring down what’s before you. So I want to say thank you for thinking that you could take something precious from my life. You honestly didn’t. In some ways or another I will always be there for him.
I’m amazed that you stooped so low to using his phone. Man up sweetheart and do it from your own. You will never break this man. You will never hurt this man. What remains inside him is his integrity. You can not belittle someone. He is the strongest person I know.
Life has a funny way of catching up to people. I’m not surprised you would hurt him. Now he can breathe and he will fly free.
It will take these words from a song.. I hope you find a way to be yourself someday, in weakness or in strength, change can be amazing.
So thank you for letting me know who the better woman is. It is me. I could never ever want to be like you. I’m not perfect but I’m a truly happy person. As for Austin his future is bright. Let him go honey. There’s plenty of sharks in the sea for you!”