Back to what made this blog. Feeling stupid and insecure and about near driven everyone away. I was in love with a narcissist. I truly didn’t fully enter my mind. When I figured out he was I assumed it was just the situation he was in. Then when he came back my way I didn’t even remember it. I was so overjoyed he was back I stupidly forgot he hurt me.
Now I’m here licking wounds. They never healed they’re like scars that never close. Maybe they’ve gotten to that point and I’ve ripped them open. I can truly say I survived him but I can’t say that I will make it out alive anytime soon.
I want nothing to do with anyone really. I get yelled at by my friends for even replying to his texts. Yea let me see you try it and how easy it is. Geez. Best part and what sealed the deal with his mentality is asking me if a friend would let him claim their kid on his taxes. You think after what you put me thru I will do that. He knows a lot of people why ask me.
So I’m back again feeling like it won’t ever get better. My life’s just a girl with dumb decisions. Heck I can raise and parent kids but I can’t even see deceitful ways of a grown man. What the hell does that tell you?!
Being there helping, the nine yard, he confesses through text. He’s going to spend time with the girl he met on facebook. The girl he met and screwed while dating me. Because she’s changed and she was there for him..
I wasn’t good enough but he kept going back. This time I knew the day after. This time the texts are deleted and every picture is gone.
Why is it that we live in a world where the only time people want to talk to you is when they want something. Nothing else but their wants.
We live in a world where no one can talk like human beings. Feelings can’t be said. The word love is thrown around like a ball. But we walk around taking nude selfies for someone who we don’t even know. Something so intimate but given to a stranger.
We can’t say what’s going on or be true but getting with a chick for a cheap piece of ass is more worth it then someone who means the world to you.
Sure open up your zipper, open up your vagina. But don’t open your heart or mouth.
Depression is horrible. Anyway that it starts and comes about. It’s horrible. It’s a pain that just never heals. My hearts been broken for as long as I can remember. I had a crush at age five and he never cared. It just was me falling for boys but nothing back. Sure the pain of a broken heart wasn’t so bad..
I know the pain in my life comes from my father who left. Always searching for someone to love. I’ve been a quiet person and I didn’t ask for anyone’s help. I would feel so depressed due to so much. Eventually I would manage through the storms. My ups and downs that would trigger weight loss and gains. Funny how a girl so shy, so insecure never had body image issues. No eating disorders. No cutting. I could hate myself and the only self harm I had was tearing skin off my fingers. That was my nervous anxious habit. When I couldn’t take the way it felt I stopped.
I hate the depression that needing to be loved makes me feel. It’s one thing to be loved by kids and your mother. The love of best friends. The love from family. Longing to be loved by someone that’s something else. Watch tv, everyone has someone. Can’t even watch a DIY show without watching a happy couple need a home fixed. Don’t they target single people. Sigh. Everyone has someone. I’m here blogging about it. Feeling so like shit.
So damn alone. Over a man whose duped me not once not twice numerous times. All because I believed we had a calling to come into each other’s lives. That I was suppose to help him. Sheesh. Now I’m feeling depressed and have anxiety anger. Just not wanting to move on.. Look whose celebrating.
I hate this pain.. I wish I stopped being so stupid and listen to myself I know what’s right, I just live for the wrong. Go away.. Let the pain go.
She asked what has she done. She got no answer. That’s it you got your answer. How hard is it to just say it? What is it? Is it another woman? What is it? Are you really going to continue to play games? How old are you?
The game continued. Days would pass. Then a quizzical text. She often would ignore the texts. He would bother her. Are you ok? No I’m not ok she replied. I’m depressed. I need my friend. I need you. How was I there for you she thought and when I need you where are you. He doesn’t reply. Like a wimpy boy he says nothing. She shakes her head. How her heart is aching for him. Just an answer. What are we? The last six months were hard but blissful. Fun and wild. Just like that it came to a halt. What why?
What happens? He said I’m getting my life in order. What does that mean. She’s been there before. When an everyday fun flirty text becomes cold, no feeling. It usually means you’ve been replaced. Just give me that she thought. We knew what we were doing. We knew it was a dangerous game. Feelings involved. We all knew it. He knew she was fragile. She feels it’s another woman he says it isn’t. He said that before why should she believe him?
Getting your life in order is a great thing. How do you push out the one person who never left your side. Oh you got what you wanted. Sick of the games. So sick. Just man up. Those balls of yours are there. Man up. Man up why can’t you be honest to a girl who helped you through it all. Sad. You know how her heart aches.
They treat you like shit. They think making fun of you is cool. Being called names isn’t fun. What have you done to deserve such treatment. All you’ve been was there. Now you get name calling. Really sucks. They know a low blow.
I’m sorry I kinda offended you they say. Kinda? It was more than that. Treated you with such careless disrespect. Offended. No hurt. Apologies? Unacceptable.
Remember when it was done to you. How it made you feel inside? Remember the way it hurt and burnt your soul. Now it’s only a weak ass defense mechanism. You aren’t happy. So how they treat you, you treat others. A cycle. Endless cycle. You’ve gone and become your abuser. Congratulations. How do you feel now?
I’ve had my full of emotional abuse. It’s horrible and the worst type of abuse out there besides physical abuse though. I really can’t deal with it anymore. Yet at times I’m blinded by my feelings for my ex.
Now the tables are turned. This idiot he’s with plays him for a fool. Or he’s ever so “pussy whipped”. He called me Wednesday to tell me about the funeral that what day it would be. Then he goes in deep about the girl. I stayed quiet the whole time. Seems she’s been a bit of a prick throughout the whole death of his father. It wouldn’t make any sense to rant on useless details about what he said. He tells me that’s the last straw it’s over.
So I send him a text to see how he was last night and the next thing I hear is. Hey she’s coming she apologized. Yea the girl was a prick was gonna disrespect your whole family but once again she’s made her 999 mistake and it’s ok. So I let him have it. I know it wasn’t the right time since he was grieving but I snapped. This whole week that has past I’ve been someone to comfort him. I’m sick of being number two. When she acted like a prick he called me to pick up the pieces. Time after time she can ignore his calls or treat him dirty but yet he’s so dense to her and the games. What happened to the man I once knew. What the hell does she got over him. I’m saddened to see someone I once knew as a strong individual fall prey to a conniving bitch.
It hurts like hell. I now have to decide to go to the funeral or just not. I can’t see why I should go. I met him a few times. I was told by him a lot or things said by his family. So I sent a card why am I supporting them regardless. Maybe though it’s spiteful and cruel this is the only way to cut my ties. I’m sorry about his loss but I can’t be there for leftovers. I wish he would realize that she is not the one. That isn’t my choice to make. It just hurts because I can’t stand to deal with this anymore.
I hate the feelings I have inside. They are so deep for someone that doesn’t love me. I went to bed late. It was morning, four to be exact when I finally fell asleep. I woke up on and off in the morning. My phone buzzed at 12:45pm, it’s Austin.
He’s wants to kill himself again. He talks to Annie again she rejects him he wants to die. I’m getting the spewing texts. I tell him he has to think about his family etc. I tried in vain to tell him he can’t he so much to live for. I’m a mess. He sends me a picture of a meat cleaver. My hearts so damn weak.
He starts again in the afternoon. This time I’m done. I’m replying with anger. I don’t wanna know about her, I don’t care if it’s about her. What about my hurt. I’m mentally drained. I feel horrible. I really hate him right now. I really do.
So I google this, why would my ex tell me he’s going to kill himself. I feel like the biggest fool. I love this asshole so much that I can’t ignore him. I feel if I do and he does die it’s my fault. But most of the times people just off themselves without advertising it. Mental abuse. He is playing victim and just like his pics last week he knows I’m gonna show interest. He will keep hurting my heart. I’m defeated.
I wish I was as strong as I wish I could be. One day I won’t answer him back. Just like how I never looked back when I said bye to Charlie. I wish I could let him go.
I asked why was he telling me not Annie not his bestie in Florida etc why me. Why not your family. Why me. Isn’t emotional pain from one person to another enough?
The ex hits me up yesterday. Old friend passed Away. Stroke. When your in your late 30’s that’s too soon. So he tells me. I told him I’m sorry for his loss. He calls me after the text. We speak. He also calls me a few hours later.
The second call he tells me how see, we can just talk have a normal talk.. Then I get.. He’s talking to “her” again. He tells her about his friend and how he found out. Of course he kind of triggered the argument. When you plain tell someone it’s a person I used to mess with. So she flips on him. Who is she. He tells me that she wasn’t sympathetic anymore she was more interested in who the girl was.. Sheesh. So they talk again and she straight up pulls the jealous girl card.
What can I say. It’s what he wants. He wants this. Funny we never fought and he’s finding comfort in me for that. He doesn’t see how manipulative she is. I said there’s no way you’re going to have any female friends if you stay with her. She’s a control freak. That’s all I can say. Until he recognizes that it’s a cycle that won’t change what I say is gonna go thru one ear out the other. I’m upset that, this is the type of person he chose to leave me for but lessons I guess do get learned.