He told me it was my fault he couldn’t move on.. But he keeps telling me he has to move on. It’s funny how I’m the one who has nothing to lose. I’m not grasping at anything.
Every little foolish move made its my fault.. Sure I know I can’t stay here. I’m the one who never wanted anything. Why does someone care for someone so much they won’t let them go but they won’t chose to be with them either. Instead they keep trying to find others and it never works because the feelings aren’t there..
Sometimes I wish I never met you..
How dare you the one with the problems make it seem like it’s my fault. He said we could have worked if we took it slow. I laughed. He said I wanted to see him daily. Nope. At anytime he could have went home after work. He’s the one who came each night, he’s the one who started the relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t really think he would take me on.
All the blame is to me, when he knows he wanted to be here. Now we play games. He can’t seem to be happy he tells me. He can’t give his all. When I met him. He gave me his all. No secrets I knew him. Now he hides himself. Now he tells me he can’t get over me. But yet move on. He moves on to settle. These girls will never do all I did..
Why the hell am I so good to keep you wanting me but you don’t want to try.. I want the words I want the answer but I’m sure it will be another lie. I can’t expect a boy to take on a woman. Can I?
I used to believe in signs or fate. Maybe I just wanted to believe illusions. I wish my mind and my imagination weren’t so active and always going a mile a minute.
Now I know that things just happen in life. Never put meaning where there is none. Once upon a time strangers met. That’s all it ever was.. Nothing is meant to be.
Yay 2015 is here. Blah blah. It’s another day. Another day I live. It’s cool. So why is my heart acting like it’s crazy. Lovely. It’s currently hurting. Maybe it’s indigestion? Maybe it’s an anxiety attack. Any thing you call it, I’ve dealt with it before. Sigh.
I made it a whole year in whatever this friendship/relationship I’m in. It doesn’t even have a name. Just a few days ago someone I work with noticed Austin and asked how we knew each other. That was like a comedy act. Both trying to find the words. Kinda sorta my ex.. La da.. Even his mom called me his girlfriend. Confusing.
So that’s not even what’s getting to me. Is it crazy I just want this kiss. A passionate sweet kiss.. I actually crave this kiss. I’m not going to ask I know it’s crazy. How can I feel about I want a kiss. It would be generic and awkward. That’s not what I want. I’m hoping he would do it. I know that’s not why my chest is killing me but it sure just makes me know those feelings are there.
I tell myself I can’t put my heart in this. Which is why I don’t sit him down and say what is this? What are we? I really can’t commit myself to him. I just am not ready to just say let’s give it a go. Oh feelings take you ass elsewhere! No heart no problem.. Can I do it?
He stole her heart the day she met him. She loved him when she looked into his eyes. She saw forever and comfort. She knew that he would be hers forever.
He did steal her hurt and left her wounded. Wound so badly opened that no amount of glue, stitches and even love could ever heal it. He blew her mind with lies and her soul the biggest hole in a place where her heart should be.
One year ago it was over. Like a thief in the night he ran. She was broken beyond repair. She mended her heart with memories and thoughts. Healing and taking time. She saw the their again. He had her heart. He knew how she felt. She was trapped. Her ever beating heart ached to be loved. She embraced him even with a hollow heart.
He wasn’t kind to her anymore. He only knew how to be sincere in a moments notice. She felt she had to be there or he would be lost. Her instincts told her this is where to be. He never cared what she thought. As long as he was taken care. Her heart was cracking and shattering. It can’t hold on. How can you break a heart that isn’t even while she thought? How can she detach herself from the one person she thought was her whole world.
He said be was busy last night. We all played that game. He www busy a lot when he played her heart. She knew her heart was hanging on with pieces. She told him how much her heart aches for him. Can’t do this anymore she whispered. She wipes the tears from her cheek.
So I’m in a bad mood today. Seems like everyone has an opinion. To me ta like apples and oranges. You know what today I don’t care for anyone’s opinion. Just keep your opinion in your damn head.
So he can be moody, I get moody. I get “what not enough sex??” As a text. I ignored that. Sheesh so damn sorry that we know when a baby cries we check its diaper or see if the baby wants a bottle. Sorry sex won’t brighten my mood. I chose not to elaborate because I know if I say why I can’t be moody he will say you don’t know what I’m going thru. Maybe not entirely but I do know I’ve been there every step of the way and it’s rubbing off on me.
I like opinions and I don’t mind but sometimes it’s a complete shut the hell up I want to say to people. Which is probably why I avoid a lot of topics in my blog. I’m sure I could do and say more if I did. Sometimes I rather just say what I have to say get it off my chest and be done with it.
It’s a fuck it day.
So I know now that I don’t really need to be seeing a therapist. My relationships that I have been in, haven’t always been the greatest. I guess I always was questioning why things didn’t work out. Why did men stray or move on? I had the assumption that I guess they are all happy. When I tell friends well how come so and so look so happy. They tell me you don’t know how it is. Pictures you can smile in but who knows the real story behind it.
I was watching the movie Pretty Woman on Saturday. I love the movie. I always watch it whenever it is on. Don’t ask me why it has been on a lot lately. For the first time this line that Edward says ” It Cost me $10,000 in therapy to say that sentence. I was very angry with him.” It struck me. I am telling my therapist so much but am I getting anything out of it. I won’t knock the therapist the only change I see is that I am more of a positive person. The therapist never really judges me about my life. Lately I have missed a few weeks of going. The one week was the therapist would be away. Then I really didn’t feel like going the past two weeks.
So am I wasting money. Maybe. I do know that the last relationship I was in, well the problem was him and the other person he ended up being with even if it was short term. I still deal with him on some levels. I know it doesn’t help but I really don’t know how to totally break free from it. I know he needs more help than me. My friend tells me that he needs to hit rockbottom to see that he needs help. I do wonder if he could benefit from it. I really honestly have no idea what his demons are. Why they are so bad. I believe for me I will go a few more times and then just stop. I know I will be ok. I have dealt with relationships before and survived. I just have to have more faith in me.
He screamed with anger. He yelled and punched at the walls. He had it. The overwhelming grief in his life was to much. The pain in the head, the pain in the chest. He has no more.
I don’t want the pain he says. So he changes the only way he knows how. He becomes uncaring. I have to protect my heart. He knows it’s the only way to harbor his emotions. He’s cold and cruel. Better stand out of his way. He has a bit of the devil inside. I can play the villain. Hate. Nothing but hate.
He’s not a monster he’s not a beast. He’s human. Trying to be a man. Men don’t cry he was taught. Men show no emotion. He has no idea what to do. Anyone who comes his way is a target. Especially those who know him well. The man fights the man wants to cry. The man is so hurt he does not know what to do.
Beast take me alive. I can’t go on this way. I have no life. I have nothing. He does have a life. He has a home. He chose to lay there daily. Sit and watch tv. He can’t make his way out. When he does its for drinking carelessly. The beast is very much alive. It rears its ugly head. Comeback to reality. It will be alright.
I don’t think the beast can be tamed. He’s too wound up. The beast is around. Alive. It doesn’t want to leave.
We all began to wonder who she was. Was she kind? Was she nice? Was she going to be everything we hoped for? Anyone whose anyone with half a brain can pull off any stunt. Men and women. Especially if it’s just a game.
She played him for a fool. Sometimes I wonder why women in a sexless marriage, men in a sexless marriage, why they don’t go and leave. They sometimes have affairs. They stay for the children. Is it really best? You know your not going to leave your spouse but you go on trysts with someone else.
She used him to get what she couldn’t get. She tried to manipulate him to be what he couldn’t. She wanted to mold him into a puppet. Her piece of ass and what she couldn’t get out of her spouse she had done to him. When it all came to light she pointed fingers.
Today someone sent a picture to the man she had the affair with. Her smiling pumpkin picking. Holding her child and surrounded with her husband and his parents. Smiling and beaming. After all it was his new Facebook profile picture. She was so manipulative that just months after it burnt with him she’s a happy family woman again. Or was she ever unhappy? She tried to see what she could get? Just a horny bitch trying to get guys on the low. Blue collar because she couldn’t go anyone who wasn’t on her level.
Well played lady.. You burnt a flame but remember it comes back to you.. So while your family now. Don’t expect when you pull your games again one day hubby might have an urge and stray. Not everyone is dense to someone changing.
Good luck.. You’ll need it.
Let me check the score.
Wait?! No winner?! Are you kidding?
There’s no tie either. No one won. No runner up.
I think you thought that you could win? Didn’t you. You tried so hard but it didn’t work to your advantage. Deceit and lies my sweet where has that gotten you.
As for me I wasn’t playing. I wasn’t an active participant. So even though I’m sure I could have won. I didn’t. Instead what I want isn’t what I want. It’s broken. Withered. Done. It has no fight.
I try and heal what’s broken. It may repair like a fracture. Scars always there. But the prize isn’t a prize. It’s a human life. Not someone to toy with.
So now things are quiet and I look around. I find that there’s always going to be some hurt still there..
We always want the bad.
But We want it because it feels so good.
You can do better. Why waste time on a person who you can’t trust? Why waste time getting to know someone who only tells you half truths.
Years later you’re still dropping her at the corner. Something’s gotta give? What’s she hiding boy? Not even an invite in. Always getting a nut on the job, in the park or in your dinky room.
Boy what’s she hiding. In that half a million dollar home. She isn’t whom you think she is. She wears a mask. She isn’t true. You’re a passing thrill. Until her high. You’re as dispensable as a pill.
Look in those eyes. There’s evil in those eyes. She can’t tell you her dreams. She says everyone’s dirty. Has she forgotten where she came from. Another story too. Always too good. Not good enough for what’s bad for you. She has to make you that low person.
She’s not real. You found a trap. Oh that lady.. Well Disney was right.. She’s a tramp!
You’ll be just fine. You’ll find better. Maybe you’ll actually remember that what you had previously was better.. But you can do better. Keep that snake at bay.. Walk away never go back.
You’ll do better!