Tag Archives: feelings

Endless Cycle

Round and round it goes.. Where it stops nobody knows.. Do you think the odds ever change? Do you think you’re that one in a million shot..

No.. Not everyone is that lucky.. Playing with fire gets you burned. Remember what has been done in the dark will come out in the light.. Don’t expect to be handed a good life. Especially if the strife and mistreatment and misfortune you have caused others is of great proportions..

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Those things we call feelings

Yay 2015 is here. Blah blah. It’s another day. Another day I live. It’s cool. So why is my heart acting like it’s crazy. Lovely. It’s currently hurting. Maybe it’s indigestion? Maybe it’s an anxiety attack. Any thing you call it, I’ve dealt with it before. Sigh.

I made it a whole year in whatever this friendship/relationship I’m in. It doesn’t even have a name. Just a few days ago someone I work with noticed Austin and asked how we knew each other. That was like a comedy act. Both trying to find the words. Kinda sorta my ex.. La da.. Even his mom called me his girlfriend. Confusing.

So that’s not even what’s getting to me. Is it crazy I just want this kiss. A passionate sweet kiss.. I actually crave this kiss. I’m not going to ask I know it’s crazy. How can I feel about I want a kiss. It would be generic and awkward. That’s not what I want. I’m hoping he would do it. I know that’s not why my chest is killing me but it sure just makes me know those feelings are there.

I tell myself I can’t put my heart in this. Which is why I don’t sit him down and say what is this? What are we? I really can’t commit myself to him. I just am not ready to just say let’s give it a go. Oh feelings take you ass elsewhere! No heart no problem.. Can I do it?

That girl

Quiet
Shy
Miss Goody Two shoes
Never a bad girl

So tired of being that way. Good girls, where does that get us? That halo doesn’t sit pretty on my hair. In fact it sits so crooked.

Is it the bad girls that get all the boys?
The bad attitude
The rudeness
The kiss my ass attitude

Men certainly like to fall victim to these kinds of girls.. Who wants to be a man treated like a puppy for someone whose half heartedly anything.

Good girl? Bad girl? Just want to be myself. If they don’t like it. Fuck it!

Then they can say that girl..
That girl what?
She’s nice?
She’s cool?
She’s crazy or a fool.

Feeling Content

I finally feel content for the first time in my life. I don’t know why but it just feels peaceful to not have stress. Though there still is much stress around it’s not getting to me.

I’m not in a mood to ex boyfriend rant right now. Though I can’t even begin to say the twists and turns the past two weeks have been. While what’s been going on isn’t exactly what I expected I don’t necessarily feel it’s a bad thing. I think it’s actually good.

It’s a good way to fuel the fire in me. I have a drive to want to be and do things. Even finding that niche and know what I want now. I know I am no longer vulnerable. I know I’m not insecure. I’m grateful for what I have. To be able to live a life. Not judge people by mistakes. To not sit and dwell over something because something is over. You can just choose to walk away. Sometimes walking away is better than antagonizing the situation.

Crushes

I had my first crush at age four. I told my mother I was marrying David. I can’t even remember what he looked like.. Lol. In second grade crush number two. I would crush on him until 6th grade. I sat next to him in many classes. Either because of last names, his started with an “A” mine with a “C”, or height. We both were around the same height. I could talk with him etc. I secretly pined for the guy. Not in the “Hey Arnold” way that Helga did but I had hoped he would notice me.
We all went to middle school in seventh grade. My crush dated the class whore. That was it my heart was on the floor in pieces. So I never thought of him again like that. I spent middle school hating it but didn’t gain a crush either.
High school I didn’t find any cuties either. Just a bunch of annoying teen boys. I would go on to date two guys in my senior year but none the crush wow factor.
So why would it take me until last year to develop a crush again. I’ve met tons of guys who had it going on but no one made me feel this way. Last year this guy Jay started working at my job. The first time I met him I did a double take. He seemed nice. He wasn’t the typical hottie that people look at. He had this nose that wasn’t perfect. I found out he did boxing growing up. I would get to talk to him every so often. By December when Danny and I broke up I actually discovered I had the crush. I paid no mind to me thinking about Jay. Then I noticed when Danny made me sad just seeing Jay walk around the job I lit up.
Girl I would say to myself “you’re in your mid thirties how are you crushing on this guy!” But it kept the days smooth and I was smiling. Funny towards the end of spring I would find out so much about my crush. He was 13 years younger than me. Looks damn more mature lol and he was going to enlist to do better for his wife and baby.. “Awwww” I thought. Thanks Jay for making me feel alive when I was feeling alone.
I’m glad I never ever told any guy I had a crush on how I felt. Well boy two i did end up randomly telling via Facebook message one day. He said why didn’t I ever tell him. I can’t see why it mattered. Pretty funny how the one day we went to eat and talk about growing up, crush two wants to see what he missed. He ended up kissing a dead fish because I don’t kiss attached men. All the while saying “I’ve never done this” I’m sure he hasn’t not! I went home but crush two wanted more still. I told crush two I don’t play those games.

I think life’s better that way.