Point Taken

So I don’t drive. I never really planned too. Living in NYC you get to point A to point B with public transportation. 8 years ago I moved out of state in hopes of finding a better future. What I found were twisted 40 year old so called friends with backward roots. I high tailed my 30 year old ass back to the city..

I had planned to drive in the Midwest wish I had gotten my license. Can’t dwell on the bad. Can’t dwell on the reasons why I never had one and all that. I have 21 months before my permit expires. I wasted all of 2014 being bummed on a broken relationship. No more moping around its gotta happen.

So I took to social media.. A platform I use to post pics mostly because it makes me cringe on occasion. I asked for anyone to give me lessons. I basically heard crickets. Then little by little four people said they would. Not one of them lives in NYC. Two are from Florida. My cousin and little brother respectively. The other two are from California. So not one person I know related to me that lives here even tried. So I’m not mad. I basically can tell how busy people are. But if I took to social media and begged and pleaded that something tragic would happen I’m sure I would get the I would help you speech.

So I took to my blog because I think taking to Facebook might make a bad guy if I pointed this out. When you see a girl who lives close to you talking about her teen daughter driving. You know there’s time. Oh wait, must not be in that circle. It’s all good. Might seem spiteful to feel or right this but hey I’m trying. I guess I will find my own way to get my driving perfected. Driving schools, nope not that one I chose. Suppose to be the best.. But I seen differently. I’ll get there with or without help. Thanks for letting me see what is more important. The posts about your new hater or a post about someone wanting to learn something. Haters win all the time!

My life.. 30 seconds

If I would have realized how shows like Friends and How I Met Your Mother would reflect on me now.. I would’ve asked for a time warp to jump past all the bullshit..

We all have that one friend happy couple. The one with kids. The one who can’t ever find a decent relationship. Ahh comedies a burst of energy and joy. I mean no one has that many crazy things happen. At least it’s better than reality TV..

I need to get out more.

Time

I can write blogs and blogs about what I should do in life do I ever follow what I preach. No I don’t. I’m miserable. My fault. No need to put salt in my already opened wounds.

Could have been somewhere new by now. No here I am stuck in the same rut. Stealing my time from me because my hearts to kind. I hit the bottom last night. The chest pains, the body aches and headaches. Pain that I don’t need.

A whole year ago I should have walked away. I believe or had believed in signs and was telling myself that the reason I’m around is because of so and so. You know what you can lie to yourself numerous times. Can you convince yourself that it’s right? No you can’t even find it in your heart to see that you’re being treated like garbage.

I’ve given my time to someone to someone that has no love for me. I’m just easy, accessible. When he calls I jump. He has it easy. He doesn’t care.
Here I’ve worried about his feelings. Trying to walk on eggshells so worried about his grieving, yet my heart is continuously broken. I can give advice but yet he doesn’t care. I just wasted a whole year on what should have been doing things for me.

I told him he had wasted my time When he broke up with me. Now look whose wasting my time myself. Now look whose the one with egg on their face.

Eh oh well

So I lost a friend. Let me rephrase that. I decided that our friendship was over. Goodbye see you.. All that jazz.

When I was five I was babysat by the lady in the next building. She was nice. She had three girls. One of them my age we were friends. Not best friend closeness but friends. She started calling me a name I never liked. Believe me maybe people like certain names.. But no I didn’t. So when I was old enough we didn’t need to be babysat. We grew apart because I went into a different program in middle school. I was now ahead of her one grade since I skipped a grade.

I saw her now and then in high school. Then one spring in my final year she called me by that nickname and I walked away never looking back. I never explained to her why. Just had enough. I’ve remained friends with her family and have been to birthday parties for her nieces and nephews we briefly spoke but I’m not missing anything.

In my twenties I became friends with a coworker. She was ten years older than me but we hit it off. Lot In common etc. A year later she moves to Florida. I made the effort to do all I can called and was always there. Some years later she moves to the Midwest and I was in a bad relationship that I just got out of she showed me affordable apartments and how I could start my life over there. So I decided to uproot my kids and do so.. I never thought ten years would take a toll on friendship. She wasn’t the same girl I met.

She was married to some country amateur wrestler guy. Her best friend was the guys ex wife. They smoked weed while their kids were in school. Gossiped about everything. I truly had wished I knew before I uprooted my family. This girl used me for money. She disrespected my family and violated my trust. Funny how MySpace was the thing back then. When It all came down to it, she played the I did so and so for you and you were ungrateful. Where in the hell does it say your man can lay his hands on my kid? To make matters worse I stayed for the kids to finish school two months. Her kids and step kids taunted my kids at the bus stop. The day I moved they stood outside chanting “nah, nah, hey hey goodbye” 40 year olds.. Acting like babies. Oh well I didn’t miss her.

People change

So a few months ago, I started to realize there was a lot of people I know that have no part of my current life. Of course I don’t hear from them regularly. We are of course Facebook buddies. So I honestly deleted over thirty so called friends and even family.

Yesterday this guy I babysat when he was little text me. Seems mad I unfriended him. Mind you he just realized I did this five months later. A guy who always talks about deleting people regardless. I didn’t expect to have much to say. I’m sure I outgrew our friendship.

If our friendship was a better one we wouldn’t need Facebook to keep in touch.

His Grief

He stopped by my house last night. Needing someone to talk to. He was up 36 hours or more. He was a total mess. My daughter ran down before I did. She went and gave him a big hug. He was pacing in circles. I didn’t know what to do. I sent my daughter back upstairs so that him and I could talk. He doesn’t know what to do now. All I could tell him, is take your time things will fall into place. 

I’m not used to consoling people. So I kept telling him that it will be ok. I hate that phrase. “It will be ok” No one wants to hear that ever. Is it ok right now? No but we all know things do get better with time. I stood there pacing with him, crying with him. When he started shaking uncontrollably then I put my arms around him and told him to breathe, slow deep breaths. I hugged him as tight as I could. He didn’t hug me back. I guess that did hurt me. It is all about him anyway. I just wish he would have. It made me feel that the bond we have is all but a bond. But I would hope he would never lose sight in knowing how much I cared. I do hope he will be alright. Even if I am not the one he wants anymore. I hope that I am more than the go to girl in tough situations. 

I know he will be alright soon. I just wish I knew what more I could do. He drove off into the night faster than I had ever seen. 

Online dating Part 3

So last week I had deleted my OK Cupid profile. I really was getting the stupid people sending me messages. I guess then I got bored. So on Friday I decided to set one up again. So any biters a few. Some could take a hike. Plenty of people look but I guess my bio is too much for them! Lol.. Hey I have to stress there is not just one child I have so if children is a problem keep it moving.
I basically give people a chance when they want to talk to me. A few got the three strikes and your out treatment after a stupid random question they asked. How many kids? That was a normal question. But followed by was it the same father you totally got chewed out on. You are here trying to get to know me. No I didn’t have a number of kids fathers. That is just rude. Wait until we are on that cool part to ask me more. Just stuff about nationality favorite foods etc. Oh well be gone to those who I didn’t ever reply back to.
I seem to attract guys with no kids. That is the crazy part..

Anyway back to the random replies I had liked one guy. I gave him my number to text. He is just to quiet. I am used to men that take charge. That do things. That aren’t quiet. This guy makes me seem like I talk more. I used to be the queen of being quiet. He replies but barely its like pulling teeth. Am I gonna meet him. I have no clue. He has to give me more than the smile face icon. Ugh. I had asked why he hasn’t met anyone. We are the same age. He says his work schedule. He works 7 days a week and he just is quiet. Well obviously. Could be an axe murder? Uh I won’t know. Guess will have to see. 
The same OKC app this guy just set up a profile and tried to message me. Guess what another soldier.. Oh boy. I gave him an email I don’t use. He sends me long paragraphs at a time. On Ok delete your profile you are mine now. Excuse me. What are you a loon? Pics of awards from the navy with his name on it. I am like uh huh. The way he words things. I am starting to get seriously annoyed. I had told him my name in the first message at OKC so the name of my email just is the email name he was replying with that. So if my email name was douchebag@soandso.com he would literally say hi douche how are you. Something about this guy isn’t right. So I gave him the don’t waste my time speech. If you want anything from me you are barking up the wrong tree. Yea harsh but yea I am not stupid yet do I enjoy my time being wasted by mental games. Update. Guy got weirder and weirder so I told him don’t ever contact me again. I don’t feel you. Something’s off. Ugh.
I guess I will give OKC one more week if nothing it’s not my loss. It’s just not the right time you know. I will not result into going on a reality show..lol I was flipping channels and I saw a new show called Dating Naked. Is that what life is going to now. Heck no. If I can’t find someone with clothes on I am not doing it naked. 
Otherwise right now, this is some weird experience. Keeps the entertainment though!

Finally time to begin a new

Finally after months Austin aka Danny in all my previous blogs, has decided to sever everything since I wasn’t strong enough to do so. Hey it took a lot out of me. The social media unfriending process. Sure it felt like someone dies when that happens but it’s better for me anyway. Not that what he was posting made sense anyway.

It sucks we were co dependent on each other the past few months. Now we are truly moving on. I’m angry and sad because I’m now seeking help to deal with this. Since if I don’t I won’t ever function normally. I’ve caught myself walking aimlessly. I almost got hit by a car when I wasn’t paying attention. Not good. My kids need me. I wish I never wasted so much time on him. That’s the past it’s done.

I woke up Sunday feeling worse than anything I called out from work I didn’t sleep much I just sat at home just needing to be away from a lot of people. My coworker Drew has the worst PMS almost everyday. Sometimes I wanna choke him. I wish he would bathe or get laid. He stinks and is uptight all the time. That I could do without!

I took to social media and dissected my friends. I deleted a handful of friends who were assholes. I’m not mad I let Carol go. Being sarcastic is one thing but she needs a lesson in manners. She makes fun of others while looking like that lady with the crazy make up from the Drew Carey show. I’m sure she would compare herself to Garcia from Criminal Minds, but that girl has more class than Carol.

I said goodbye to aunts that never would say anything to me. My dad seemed to be the black sheep and my Long Island cousins are the royalty I guess. Those kids can’t do any wrong. So be off. No need to be judged!
I tried to reconnect with this guy I has known ten years ago. I made the effort to see him. He basically took advantage of my state of mind. So I never respected him again after that. With all the public transportation we have since his car isn’t fixed and he claims no checks have gone through I said this guy isn’t set on anything with me regardless. So I deleted his number. Maybe it was a mistake to reconnect but lesson learned besides that was only about 3 weeks out of my life.

Lastly a friend since tenth grade. She made me feel like shit when I needed a friend. So since our friendship never recovered I decided that we grew apart. I grew up with reality and I know what’s real. I don’t need to be perfect and live in a world that’s not real.

It’s nice to know people care about me throughout this. I was honest to my kids and even my oldest is my biggest supporter. Everyday someone is checking in on me.

I always speak to the overnight pharmacist in my 24 hour cvs. So just a little while ago I told her she was right. When she has down time in the night shift I talk to her. She would always see Austin and I together a few months back I told her about the break up. I told her everything this morning. She told me he’s gonna come back, you can’t take him back. Remember what he told you when he tries. She’s pretty witty and funny and she’s dealt with something similar. Funny part is how she had me laughing. If you ask a man if they’re single and they can’t give you a direct answer she said she literally told one guy let me ask you again in the state of NY are you legally single.. Lol

So here’s to moving on. I know I will see Austin once in a while he drives the city bus and the new run passes my job hopefully he will pick a different one for the fall to make it better on us both.

First impressions

I met a lot of different people today. I took my daughters to a Fall Out Boy Concert. The fans were different then the fans when I saw Selena Gomez with the girls several months earlier. Now I’m not an old fogey. I see what kids wear and all that. I don’t judge! But it made me think of something that was told to me earlier today.

Impressions. I’m not talking about the ones comedians give either! Are you going to judge that girl because her hair is blue? Her thighs are big, her high waisted shorts? She clings on her man to much? Did you even speak a word to her? Nope an assumption was made. You saw something that you didn’t like. So automatically that means the person isn’t any good.

Pretty sad to say. That people judge people with accusing eyes.Never trying to see eye to eye. That’s their loss not mine. I’ve walked past hundreds of people and never made assumptions about anyone. Give chances. Don’t make excuses because you feel a certain way about things.

I laugh now because the insensitivity now a days is so bad. Insults added to injury is a norm!

Too busy

So I’m not doing well I feel like I’ve got no where to turn. I really need a friend. Everyone is busy. I hate the age of social media. Back a few years ago in 2007/2008 I was going through something similar. But my friends called me checked on me. Now these days. Everyone is too busy.

You can try to text someone and they don’t respond, call someone they don’t answer but the see them online with the green online light on Facebook! Ugh. You don’t know how many times I’ve tried to hit up anyone but I get. I’m driving right now. So I’m giving up.

So keeping all this bottled up is taking a toll on me. My mind is sad, it’s also not happy. Sometimes I go to bed hoping I don’t wake up. I think of my kids but right now my daughters autism situation is worsening. Believe me I’ve read the books and blogs of some. You know what everyone’s lives are different. I can’t take someone’s thoughts and expect a miracle. But it’s hard to hang in there. It’s hard to be patient.

It’s hard to watch your child lose them self. It’s hard as a parent to think there could have been preventable measures taken. It’s just so hard. No one seems to care that you’re crashing. I just want a shoulder to cry on. I just want to know someone can be there if I fall.

I really need a friend.