Tag Archives: hurt

Endless Cycle

Round and round it goes.. Where it stops nobody knows.. Do you think the odds ever change? Do you think you’re that one in a million shot..

No.. Not everyone is that lucky.. Playing with fire gets you burned. Remember what has been done in the dark will come out in the light.. Don’t expect to be handed a good life. Especially if the strife and mistreatment and misfortune you have caused others is of great proportions..

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Back again

Back to what made this blog. Feeling stupid and insecure and about near driven everyone away. I was in love with a narcissist. I truly didn’t fully enter my mind. When I figured out he was I assumed it was just the situation he was in. Then when he came back my way I didn’t even remember it. I was so overjoyed he was back I stupidly forgot he hurt me.

Now I’m here licking wounds. They never healed they’re like scars that never close. Maybe they’ve gotten to that point and I’ve ripped them open. I can truly say I survived him but I can’t say that I will make it out alive anytime soon.

I want nothing to do with anyone really. I get yelled at by my friends for even replying to his texts. Yea let me see you try it and how easy it is. Geez. Best part and what sealed the deal with his mentality is asking me if a friend would let him claim their kid on his taxes. You think after what you put me thru I will do that. He knows a lot of people why ask me.

So I’m back again feeling like it won’t ever get better. My life’s just a girl with dumb decisions. Heck I can raise and parent kids but I can’t even see deceitful ways of a grown man. What the hell does that tell you?!

Disclaimer!

Some people need a disclaimer!!!

If you have no intentions to be faithful then don’t catch feelings and get in a relationship. Stay that player for life!

If you can’t even say the word commitment and when someone asks you if you’re married or single, and the answer is single because your not married then your a total jerk!

If you think you’ll be blessed by a good man or woman after you screwed a good one over think again.. Karma is a bitch!

Go away

Depression is horrible. Anyway that it starts and comes about. It’s horrible. It’s a pain that just never heals. My hearts been broken for as long as I can remember. I had a crush at age five and he never cared. It just was me falling for boys but nothing back. Sure the pain of a broken heart wasn’t so bad..

I know the pain in my life comes from my father who left. Always searching for someone to love. I’ve been a quiet person and I didn’t ask for anyone’s help. I would feel so depressed due to so much. Eventually I would manage through the storms. My ups and downs that would trigger weight loss and gains. Funny how a girl so shy, so insecure never had body image issues. No eating disorders. No cutting. I could hate myself and the only self harm I had was tearing skin off my fingers. That was my nervous anxious habit. When I couldn’t take the way it felt I stopped.

I hate the depression that needing to be loved makes me feel. It’s one thing to be loved by kids and your mother. The love of best friends. The love from family. Longing to be loved by someone that’s something else. Watch tv, everyone has someone. Can’t even watch a DIY show without watching a happy couple need a home fixed. Don’t they target single people. Sigh. Everyone has someone. I’m here blogging about it. Feeling so like shit.
So damn alone. Over a man whose duped me not once not twice numerous times. All because I believed we had a calling to come into each other’s lives. That I was suppose to help him. Sheesh. Now I’m feeling depressed and have anxiety anger. Just not wanting to move on.. Look whose celebrating.

I hate this pain.. I wish I stopped being so stupid and listen to myself I know what’s right, I just live for the wrong. Go away.. Let the pain go.

Time

I can write blogs and blogs about what I should do in life do I ever follow what I preach. No I don’t. I’m miserable. My fault. No need to put salt in my already opened wounds.

Could have been somewhere new by now. No here I am stuck in the same rut. Stealing my time from me because my hearts to kind. I hit the bottom last night. The chest pains, the body aches and headaches. Pain that I don’t need.

A whole year ago I should have walked away. I believe or had believed in signs and was telling myself that the reason I’m around is because of so and so. You know what you can lie to yourself numerous times. Can you convince yourself that it’s right? No you can’t even find it in your heart to see that you’re being treated like garbage.

I’ve given my time to someone to someone that has no love for me. I’m just easy, accessible. When he calls I jump. He has it easy. He doesn’t care.
Here I’ve worried about his feelings. Trying to walk on eggshells so worried about his grieving, yet my heart is continuously broken. I can give advice but yet he doesn’t care. I just wasted a whole year on what should have been doing things for me.

I told him he had wasted my time When he broke up with me. Now look whose wasting my time myself. Now look whose the one with egg on their face.

Thief in the night

He stole her heart the day she met him. She loved him when she looked into his eyes. She saw forever and comfort. She knew that he would be hers forever.

He did steal her hurt and left her wounded. Wound so badly opened that no amount of glue, stitches and even love could ever heal it. He blew her mind with lies and her soul the biggest hole in a place where her heart should be.

One year ago it was over. Like a thief in the night he ran. She was broken beyond repair. She mended her heart with memories and thoughts. Healing and taking time. She saw the their again. He had her heart. He knew how she felt. She was trapped. Her ever beating heart ached to be loved. She embraced him even with a hollow heart.

He wasn’t kind to her anymore. He only knew how to be sincere in a moments notice. She felt she had to be there or he would be lost. Her instincts told her this is where to be. He never cared what she thought. As long as he was taken care. Her heart was cracking and shattering. It can’t hold on. How can you break a heart that isn’t even while she thought? How can she detach herself from the one person she thought was her whole world.

He said be was busy last night. We all played that game. He www busy a lot when he played her heart. She knew her heart was hanging on with pieces. She told him how much her heart aches for him. Can’t do this anymore she whispered. She wipes the tears from her cheek.

Decisions

Moving on, growing up. Realizing what you need and what you don’t. Look at friendships and relationships. Decide what needs to stay and what should go.

Sometimes it’s not an easy task. Do we have to give up these relationships? No not necessarily but if they’re toxic you should. Never be unhappy for anyone at all. We all have our differences. Life isn’t easy. We all know that. Life is tough, but if you’re a constant punching bag for someone leave.

It may or may not hurt when you walk away but you can look at that and say well lessons learned. Think about points in life that were good or bad. You lived you made it.

Don’t worry that some can’t move on. They’ll poke and try to get at you. That’s their problem not yours. Who cares if they go on social media and blast about true whatever. Believe me only certain people need to validate themselves on social media to make others look bad. You’ll be just find.

Walk away, don’t look back. Onto bigger and better things! Never look back!

The Beast Within

He screamed with anger. He yelled and punched at the walls. He had it. The overwhelming grief in his life was to much. The pain in the head, the pain in the chest. He has no more.

I don’t want the pain he says. So he changes the only way he knows how. He becomes uncaring. I have to protect my heart. He knows it’s the only way to harbor his emotions. He’s cold and cruel. Better stand out of his way. He has a bit of the devil inside. I can play the villain. Hate. Nothing but hate.

He’s not a monster he’s not a beast. He’s human. Trying to be a man. Men don’t cry he was taught. Men show no emotion. He has no idea what to do. Anyone who comes his way is a target. Especially those who know him well. The man fights the man wants to cry. The man is so hurt he does not know what to do.

Beast take me alive. I can’t go on this way. I have no life. I have nothing. He does have a life. He has a home. He chose to lay there daily. Sit and watch tv. He can’t make his way out. When he does its for drinking carelessly. The beast is very much alive. It rears its ugly head. Comeback to reality. It will be alright.

I don’t think the beast can be tamed. He’s too wound up. The beast is around. Alive. It doesn’t want to leave.

At this point

If I would have known how crazy people get with breakups, maybe I should have studied psychology. I’m emotionally drained from being a therapist to others and not even thinking about myself.

I know that we all go through different things. I know about the different stages of grief. There is a point however that reality needs to set in. How can you blame the world for problems? Death or even breaking up from a loved one is taken in a similar form of grief. Though it’s not the same the feelings you feel afterwards are.

Being a target or a punching bag isn’t something I signed up for. Now that the anger part is happening I’m viciously getting attacked. Of course I could ignore it and just let it be. But some of things said just are low blows and hurts like hell. There isn’t anyway I’m taking that. I know the reaction isn’t meant though. What should I do? At this point I don’t have a clue. I don’t want to leave them alone but I know I have to and hopefully they’ll come around. It just sucks being there for everyone and I’m neglecting my own self to make sure that everyone else is coping.

Disgusted

I’ve had my full of emotional abuse. It’s horrible and the worst type of abuse out there besides physical abuse though. I really can’t deal with it anymore. Yet at times I’m blinded by my feelings for my ex.

Now the tables are turned. This idiot he’s with plays him for a fool. Or he’s ever so “pussy whipped”. He called me Wednesday to tell me about the funeral that what day it would be. Then he goes in deep about the girl. I stayed quiet the whole time. Seems she’s been a bit of a prick throughout the whole death of his father. It wouldn’t make any sense to rant on useless details about what he said. He tells me that’s the last straw it’s over.

So I send him a text to see how he was last night and the next thing I hear is. Hey she’s coming she apologized. Yea the girl was a prick was gonna disrespect your whole family but once again she’s made her 999 mistake and it’s ok. So I let him have it. I know it wasn’t the right time since he was grieving but I snapped. This whole week that has past I’ve been someone to comfort him. I’m sick of being number two. When she acted like a prick he called me to pick up the pieces. Time after time she can ignore his calls or treat him dirty but yet he’s so dense to her and the games. What happened to the man I once knew. What the hell does she got over him. I’m saddened to see someone I once knew as a strong individual fall prey to a conniving bitch.
It hurts like hell. I now have to decide to go to the funeral or just not. I can’t see why I should go. I met him a few times. I was told by him a lot or things said by his family. So I sent a card why am I supporting them regardless. Maybe though it’s spiteful and cruel this is the only way to cut my ties. I’m sorry about his loss but I can’t be there for leftovers. I wish he would realize that she is not the one. That isn’t my choice to make. It just hurts because I can’t stand to deal with this anymore.