He told me it was my fault he couldn’t move on.. But he keeps telling me he has to move on. It’s funny how I’m the one who has nothing to lose. I’m not grasping at anything.
Every little foolish move made its my fault.. Sure I know I can’t stay here. I’m the one who never wanted anything. Why does someone care for someone so much they won’t let them go but they won’t chose to be with them either. Instead they keep trying to find others and it never works because the feelings aren’t there..
Sometimes I wish I never met you..
How dare you the one with the problems make it seem like it’s my fault. He said we could have worked if we took it slow. I laughed. He said I wanted to see him daily. Nope. At anytime he could have went home after work. He’s the one who came each night, he’s the one who started the relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t really think he would take me on.
All the blame is to me, when he knows he wanted to be here. Now we play games. He can’t seem to be happy he tells me. He can’t give his all. When I met him. He gave me his all. No secrets I knew him. Now he hides himself. Now he tells me he can’t get over me. But yet move on. He moves on to settle. These girls will never do all I did..
Why the hell am I so good to keep you wanting me but you don’t want to try.. I want the words I want the answer but I’m sure it will be another lie. I can’t expect a boy to take on a woman. Can I?
Back to what made this blog. Feeling stupid and insecure and about near driven everyone away. I was in love with a narcissist. I truly didn’t fully enter my mind. When I figured out he was I assumed it was just the situation he was in. Then when he came back my way I didn’t even remember it. I was so overjoyed he was back I stupidly forgot he hurt me.
Now I’m here licking wounds. They never healed they’re like scars that never close. Maybe they’ve gotten to that point and I’ve ripped them open. I can truly say I survived him but I can’t say that I will make it out alive anytime soon.
I want nothing to do with anyone really. I get yelled at by my friends for even replying to his texts. Yea let me see you try it and how easy it is. Geez. Best part and what sealed the deal with his mentality is asking me if a friend would let him claim their kid on his taxes. You think after what you put me thru I will do that. He knows a lot of people why ask me.
So I’m back again feeling like it won’t ever get better. My life’s just a girl with dumb decisions. Heck I can raise and parent kids but I can’t even see deceitful ways of a grown man. What the hell does that tell you?!
Depression is horrible. Anyway that it starts and comes about. It’s horrible. It’s a pain that just never heals. My hearts been broken for as long as I can remember. I had a crush at age five and he never cared. It just was me falling for boys but nothing back. Sure the pain of a broken heart wasn’t so bad..
I know the pain in my life comes from my father who left. Always searching for someone to love. I’ve been a quiet person and I didn’t ask for anyone’s help. I would feel so depressed due to so much. Eventually I would manage through the storms. My ups and downs that would trigger weight loss and gains. Funny how a girl so shy, so insecure never had body image issues. No eating disorders. No cutting. I could hate myself and the only self harm I had was tearing skin off my fingers. That was my nervous anxious habit. When I couldn’t take the way it felt I stopped.
I hate the depression that needing to be loved makes me feel. It’s one thing to be loved by kids and your mother. The love of best friends. The love from family. Longing to be loved by someone that’s something else. Watch tv, everyone has someone. Can’t even watch a DIY show without watching a happy couple need a home fixed. Don’t they target single people. Sigh. Everyone has someone. I’m here blogging about it. Feeling so like shit.
So damn alone. Over a man whose duped me not once not twice numerous times. All because I believed we had a calling to come into each other’s lives. That I was suppose to help him. Sheesh. Now I’m feeling depressed and have anxiety anger. Just not wanting to move on.. Look whose celebrating.
I hate this pain.. I wish I stopped being so stupid and listen to myself I know what’s right, I just live for the wrong. Go away.. Let the pain go.
I used to believe in signs or fate. Maybe I just wanted to believe illusions. I wish my mind and my imagination weren’t so active and always going a mile a minute.
Now I know that things just happen in life. Never put meaning where there is none. Once upon a time strangers met. That’s all it ever was.. Nothing is meant to be.
She smiled.. As she stared down the hall.. The smile so broad that the corner of her eyes smiled too..
I’m content she thought. Emotions just wash over you. All that pent up emotion now just was a distant memory. The memories though still there bottled away. Thrown away into the sea to never be opened again. Maybe one day they will resurface but for now, swept in the tide.
Never forget yourself she whispered. She was never selfish only to herself. She gave the world but the world never gave back. She didn’t need it but she wanted it. The slice of humble pie. At least when I lay my head down at night I know my heart was sincere and true. All intentions real and true. I never let anyone down but myself..
At least I’m happy she thought.. For all I have and had.. I never was untrue or changed for anyone. I never broke my own heart. I stayed humble.
Everyone has different opinions on politics, raising kids and relationships.
What even makes sense now a days. Everything just seems to be dying. Things can’t even be done right. People just die.
Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Screw the answers. Screw the tears. Have I bothered to care about someone who only cares if they’re right.
The faith in humanity there’s none. We are monsters living in skin. What we care for are items or objects that make us look good. Things that give us pleasure for a short time. I’m sure those hundred dollar shoes will get you somewhere in life. We just ate soulless. Lifeless.
I just want to walk away. Not think. Every time I do it’s just bad memories or memories of what’s to come. Leave me here. I will stand alone staring into the blackness of the dark. Empty.
Another day another dollar. Except where the hell is the dollar. Seems the more I work the less I see. Is it me? What the hell is going on here. I used to be happy go lucky. Yea I could get moody. Yes I am a female. I am also a Virgo. Heck I am everything my sign says I am. Picky you name it. But hell is it me? I really truly can’t stand people anymore. The amount of common sense seems to have gone out the window. I want to just slap everyone. I think if I did I would still be a bit uptight.
I have no clue why I feel like this. Life isn’t that bad right now. Just nothing is making me happy. Customers at work just seem to irritate the shit out of me. Today one in particular. Can you help me? I was helping my customer who was in front of me. I said I will page you someone. So I do continue helping whom I was helping. The guy interjects well are they coming. Now I am fuming. Really dude. I paged someone I have no idea whose out there. I am here trying to help this guy out. Don’t you know what patience is? Then the annoying one wanders into my cubby hole and starts touching things everything while I am still helping my customer. I page again in front of him. Dude I got this guy already I am trying to help and you’re making this three minute process turn out to be an eternity. Finally when I said where I was is totally separate from the store does he leave. I was extremely irritated.
I can’t seem to find a reason to smile lately. I walk around with a chest full of pain. Everything is ok, so where the heck is this all coming from. I have or I feel like I have anxiety brewing up inside my chest. It is bad enough I stopped drinking my favorite soda Pepsi. I did a nice three month stint and here I am back at it. I’m jumpy and all that too. Fuck it has to be the soda. I could be outside and someone comes from behind me I get so scared. I know I hold the answers to whats bothering me but I can’t even narrow it down.
Is it the kids? Work? Him? Life? Lord if I know. I just want to be able to breathe be normal. But for some reason something just isn’t right. I can’t understand why. So its deeply getting to me. Don’t get me wrong I have been in my job for sixteen years I know how to be friendly and courteous towards people its just how people are now that makes me seriously shake my head. I think its bad enough today, every time I checked my Facebook feed no matter how many times someone said it was a hoax someone would post the status about the privacy feed. I felt smacking the shit out of these idiots. Look its plain and simple. Either delete your account or don’t share public information about yourself. How hard is it to do that?
Maybe it isn’t me, maybe I just need to stop tolerating the world. Like I actually give a hoot? No, honestly don’t care if no one reads this. I don’t care what anyone has to say on what I think or do. I try my damn hardest to do what I can in this world. I wish I had all the time in the world to do what I want to do.
So I don’t drive. I never really planned too. Living in NYC you get to point A to point B with public transportation. 8 years ago I moved out of state in hopes of finding a better future. What I found were twisted 40 year old so called friends with backward roots. I high tailed my 30 year old ass back to the city..
I had planned to drive in the Midwest wish I had gotten my license. Can’t dwell on the bad. Can’t dwell on the reasons why I never had one and all that. I have 21 months before my permit expires. I wasted all of 2014 being bummed on a broken relationship. No more moping around its gotta happen.
So I took to social media.. A platform I use to post pics mostly because it makes me cringe on occasion. I asked for anyone to give me lessons. I basically heard crickets. Then little by little four people said they would. Not one of them lives in NYC. Two are from Florida. My cousin and little brother respectively. The other two are from California. So not one person I know related to me that lives here even tried. So I’m not mad. I basically can tell how busy people are. But if I took to social media and begged and pleaded that something tragic would happen I’m sure I would get the I would help you speech.
So I took to my blog because I think taking to Facebook might make a bad guy if I pointed this out. When you see a girl who lives close to you talking about her teen daughter driving. You know there’s time. Oh wait, must not be in that circle. It’s all good. Might seem spiteful to feel or right this but hey I’m trying. I guess I will find my own way to get my driving perfected. Driving schools, nope not that one I chose. Suppose to be the best.. But I seen differently. I’ll get there with or without help. Thanks for letting me see what is more important. The posts about your new hater or a post about someone wanting to learn something. Haters win all the time!
If I would have realized how shows like Friends and How I Met Your Mother would reflect on me now.. I would’ve asked for a time warp to jump past all the bullshit..
We all have that one friend happy couple. The one with kids. The one who can’t ever find a decent relationship. Ahh comedies a burst of energy and joy. I mean no one has that many crazy things happen. At least it’s better than reality TV..
I need to get out more.
So the one girl that worked at my job, whose in her thirties and her man was just barely legal. Well she got canned. Seems as though she didn’t think. Social media butterfly. Flower in hair. Obscene gesture. Work in the background. Wearing work smocks.
Who knows how it got out but the image was screen shot. She was fired. Who knows who reported her or why. Simply use your common sense. If you publicly post on social media you have to know something will bite you in the butt. You can’t expect it won’t. I guess some people have enemies who wait until a screw up happens to take that opportunity and say look, look what so and so did.
Even though she lives around the block from me I haven’t seen her. Coworkers say her Instagram is full of sad relationship Instagram quotes. Boyfriend woes? Hopefully things work out for her.