Tag Archives: moving on

Foolish

He told me it was my fault he couldn’t move on.. But he keeps telling me he has to move on. It’s funny how I’m the one who has nothing to lose. I’m not grasping at anything.

Every little foolish move made its my fault.. Sure I know I can’t stay here. I’m the one who never wanted anything. Why does someone care for someone so much they won’t let them go but they won’t chose to be with them either. Instead they keep trying to find others and it never works because the feelings aren’t there..

Sometimes I wish I never met you..
How dare you the one with the problems make it seem like it’s my fault. He said we could have worked if we took it slow. I laughed. He said I wanted to see him daily. Nope. At anytime he could have went home after work. He’s the one who came each night, he’s the one who started the relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t really think he would take me on.

All the blame is to me, when he knows he wanted to be here. Now we play games. He can’t seem to be happy he tells me. He can’t give his all. When I met him. He gave me his all. No secrets I knew him. Now he hides himself. Now he tells me he can’t get over me. But yet move on. He moves on to settle. These girls will never do all I did..

Why the hell am I so good to keep you wanting me but you don’t want to try.. I want the words I want the answer but I’m sure it will be another lie. I can’t expect a boy to take on a woman. Can I?

Advertisements

Endless Cycle

Round and round it goes.. Where it stops nobody knows.. Do you think the odds ever change? Do you think you’re that one in a million shot..

No.. Not everyone is that lucky.. Playing with fire gets you burned. Remember what has been done in the dark will come out in the light.. Don’t expect to be handed a good life. Especially if the strife and mistreatment and misfortune you have caused others is of great proportions..

Humble Pie

She smiled.. As she stared down the hall.. The smile so broad that the corner of her eyes smiled too..

I’m content she thought. Emotions just wash over you. All that pent up emotion now just was a distant memory. The memories though still there bottled away. Thrown away into the sea to never be opened again. Maybe one day they will resurface but for now, swept in the tide.

Never forget yourself she whispered. She was never selfish only to herself. She gave the world but the world never gave back. She didn’t need it but she wanted it. The slice of humble pie. At least when I lay my head down at night I know my heart was sincere and true. All intentions real and true. I never let anyone down but myself..

At least I’m happy she thought.. For all I have and had.. I never was untrue or changed for anyone. I never broke my own heart. I stayed humble.

Space

There’s only one person who I let in my heart. Right now my hearts out of service. The sign is big and huge. I am not looking for anything.

Seems right now every guy is rubbing me the wrong way. I need my space. Right now there’s so much more happening in my life that I can bear. I feel as I’m suffocating.

At 5:50pm Wednesday I look up, there’s the guy trying to talk to me. Gary. Ugh. Why are you showing up at my job. I feel as though my privacy has been invaded. I had plans to go somewhere when I got off, sure it was to the bank but I had the plans and my friend already has it set up. So at six I blatantly left. I said I had to go do this. He was like I could drive you. Nope, I don’t change my plans not for anyone. I run out to the taxi that was waiting and ran since it was pouring.

Eh well it could be a bitch move, but he isn’t anything to me. I am no ones anything. When I decide what I want then it will matter. Right now I need people to respect what I want. Maybe I will be cold and cruel but until then..

Easing on

Good news is I guess time heals all wounds. I’m not all together healed but it really doesn’t hurt so much. I don’t come to tears easily as I used to.

I had kept the details of the end of this relationship hidden from close relatives for months even my own kids. I guess I felt I was protecting them from hurt. I could care less what people think about me or what they have to say on it all. Not everyone needs the exact details. I just hate disappointing my kids. So I assumed I was doing something better on their behalf. Well they know. They are ok but I think my one daughter is very hurt by Austin’s actions but I know she’ll be ok.

I find as days turn into weeks it gets better. I do miss spending time with him and hearing from him daily. But the social media break from each other and the outing and supposed end to his other relationship he was in I guess put this in perspective. Yea of course he doesn’t deserve any feelings from me but for now there are some. I have to remind myself that I was being used towards the end. So whom he actually cares for is her. I was just easy access to him. The girl who would yes him and do anything. Be a second mother to him. I was no longer his lover but someone he shared feelings for.

I tend to sometimes wonder about how the future could play out. I’m not thinking about us being a couple anymore. I always hated being the girl before the right one for someone. I wish we both could be happy but I wish he could change but why should I bother to care when he wouldn’t change for me. I did dodge a bullet. Sucks that I had to take a shot though.

Finally time to begin a new

Finally after months Austin aka Danny in all my previous blogs, has decided to sever everything since I wasn’t strong enough to do so. Hey it took a lot out of me. The social media unfriending process. Sure it felt like someone dies when that happens but it’s better for me anyway. Not that what he was posting made sense anyway.

It sucks we were co dependent on each other the past few months. Now we are truly moving on. I’m angry and sad because I’m now seeking help to deal with this. Since if I don’t I won’t ever function normally. I’ve caught myself walking aimlessly. I almost got hit by a car when I wasn’t paying attention. Not good. My kids need me. I wish I never wasted so much time on him. That’s the past it’s done.

I woke up Sunday feeling worse than anything I called out from work I didn’t sleep much I just sat at home just needing to be away from a lot of people. My coworker Drew has the worst PMS almost everyday. Sometimes I wanna choke him. I wish he would bathe or get laid. He stinks and is uptight all the time. That I could do without!

I took to social media and dissected my friends. I deleted a handful of friends who were assholes. I’m not mad I let Carol go. Being sarcastic is one thing but she needs a lesson in manners. She makes fun of others while looking like that lady with the crazy make up from the Drew Carey show. I’m sure she would compare herself to Garcia from Criminal Minds, but that girl has more class than Carol.

I said goodbye to aunts that never would say anything to me. My dad seemed to be the black sheep and my Long Island cousins are the royalty I guess. Those kids can’t do any wrong. So be off. No need to be judged!
I tried to reconnect with this guy I has known ten years ago. I made the effort to see him. He basically took advantage of my state of mind. So I never respected him again after that. With all the public transportation we have since his car isn’t fixed and he claims no checks have gone through I said this guy isn’t set on anything with me regardless. So I deleted his number. Maybe it was a mistake to reconnect but lesson learned besides that was only about 3 weeks out of my life.

Lastly a friend since tenth grade. She made me feel like shit when I needed a friend. So since our friendship never recovered I decided that we grew apart. I grew up with reality and I know what’s real. I don’t need to be perfect and live in a world that’s not real.

It’s nice to know people care about me throughout this. I was honest to my kids and even my oldest is my biggest supporter. Everyday someone is checking in on me.

I always speak to the overnight pharmacist in my 24 hour cvs. So just a little while ago I told her she was right. When she has down time in the night shift I talk to her. She would always see Austin and I together a few months back I told her about the break up. I told her everything this morning. She told me he’s gonna come back, you can’t take him back. Remember what he told you when he tries. She’s pretty witty and funny and she’s dealt with something similar. Funny part is how she had me laughing. If you ask a man if they’re single and they can’t give you a direct answer she said she literally told one guy let me ask you again in the state of NY are you legally single.. Lol

So here’s to moving on. I know I will see Austin once in a while he drives the city bus and the new run passes my job hopefully he will pick a different one for the fall to make it better on us both.

Breaking down

Not trying to be lectured. I already knew breaking up would hurt. I stayed around lingering like the relationship before this one. Hoping that things would change. I know, emotional abuse keeps you there. Yes I knew better. I should have cut all ties and never looked back. I thought Danny was different. I stayed around I kept telling myself for the car I cosigned and the money he owed me. I know why I did because I loved him. Shoot we were still messing around once a month..

The worst pain ever to me is the fact that I tried so hard for nothing. I can’t dwell on it, it just hurts like a bitch right now. I can’t vent anywhere else. I am too old to rant about it on social media. I am too tired to look for a shoulder to cry on. I guess this is where I will say my piece. I know the next few days and months are going to hurt like hell.

Before I get into another relationship I swear I need to talk to a therapist I guess. To see if its me doing things wrong or what. I was talking to someone last week. Tonight I started bawling my eyes out for like two hours shaking. I was freaking out so much I could not breathe but I could not say much to him. He wants more than I can give right now. I said goodbye and let him kiss my forehead. I feel so damaged right now. I know I am a good person. I know my job isn’t the greatest. I know I don’t drive but I am learning. I know I don’t have a special hobby or know about special places around NYC. I don’t know what I did that I did it so wrong.

Oh well… its my own personal rant. Not looking for comments though.. I just needed to let it all out. I wish the hurt would just go away now..

The people you meet

Back in February I thought I was ready to conquer the world only to get slapped in the face. Lets just say I entered the dating world and it’s scarier than you can imagine. I met a man who was in the medical field. He told me he was a nurse in the NICU for babies. I was like wow thats a pretty intense job. He seemed ok. I gave him my number. I found out he was nine years younger than me. He asked was that a problem. I said I don’t know honestly. He seemed pretty straight forward. He owned a house had everything. Pretty nice I thought. I am not into superstitions but the first three number of his phone number was the inevitable six. I was like thats a bit creepy. We hung out and got milkshakes one night. It was ok he seemed ok.

About a week later he invited me over to watch some television. I was like I am not so sure about this but I was curious. He showed me the house and the renovations he had done. Then he showed me he had two rooms. The other was his roommates. Wait you own a house and need a roommate? We sit and watch that Young Frankenstein movie with Gene Wilder in it. He hands me some money. I was like what is this for. He tells me he feels bad for my situation. I was like nah I am good. Why would you give me some money. I didn’t feel comfortable then he started drinking some alka seltzer cold. I asked if he was sick. He said no but he liked the buzz. I was like you got to be kidding me. You are in the medical field and you are getting a buzz off of cold medication. I was like this man isn’t all there. Then he explains that the other room belonged to his wife. I was like wow. I felt sicker than I ever could. I made some excuse and booked it out of there. Over the next week I was getting texts how could I abandon him, how could I do this and that. He was a needy clingy monster. I was like we aren’t even dating it was one day I came over and you that nuts over me. I hit the block on my Iphone and never heard from him again.

When I was trying the online dating profile I had gotten a response from a man about fourteen years older than me. I was leery. Anyone over the age of fifty I am not sure about. He was ok. He seemed nice and straight forward. I came out told my story. When he was telling me some parts of his it was ok. He told me he no longer drives. He never wanted to go into it over the phone. So that is what made me a bit scared and I backed off. I know plenty of people that do stupid things and get their license suspended and what not. This man would not elaborate. I mean did you kill someone with your car unintentional? I never did get an answer. I texted back and forth until about Easter. After Easter I simply deleted his number. It was not something I wanted. I felt something was missing.

There was this other guy who tried to talk to me but he kept repeatedly tried to tell me how good of a guy he was. How he was trying to get his license to do a better job. I was like ok. I like it when people better themselves off but he would tell me this six times a day. Look not for nothing it won’t win you brownie points with me. So I also deleted him out of my life on Easter too. Maybe I am harsh or not maybe the healing process for me will take some time. I  do noticed that I do go for the men that have this personality that is so confident so happy and exuberant. Clingy men, whiny men make me cringe. So I guess I want this knight and shining armor that has all these qualities but doesn’t bitch and whine because of things.

A date?

I just got asked out on a date by a customer. I smile a lot when I don’t know what to say. I tend to giggle too. I declined though. My heart isn’t in a position to go on a date. I need time. I don’t know how much time but I knew the last few times I dated someone I felt a connection. Then again the last few relationships ended badly so maybe my instincts aren’t so good. Who knows.

Tears

I woke up this morning and my left eye I have been rubbing non stop. It’s from the tears I had cried yesterday. I honestly don’t know how much tears you can cry over one person. I wish the mourning period for a break up was short and sweet!

I never understood why some people never remarried. I worry as my mother never did. My dad cheated on her and he left when I was 5. A year later he married his mistress 9 years older than him. They’re still married. Yea I know I have relationship issues because of it. My mom is great I wish she had found the right one. I guess I get my strength in knowing you don’t always need anyone.

I never get how some find a new man as soon as they turn like celebs to even someone I know. I guess it’s all timing.