I wish that I had listened. I didn’t need another lesson to be learned. I feel stupid enough.
I’m tired of people telling me I will be fine and all that. It doesn’t ease the hurt. None of those things do.
This is how I feel.
Fuck it all.
I’ve been freely letting emotions out Rather then write a story. I really don’t care if anyone reads my blogs or not. It’s an outlet for me to release my fears and emotions. If I didn’t have it I’d do nuts.
I can say it’s been a month. I’ve spent a lot of time with my ex. I’ve been the go to girl. Since Annie is supposedly a distant memory be hits me up to talk. I try not to judge. I know he’s grieving. His life is more of a mess than it ever was. I don’t try to say but you did this and that. You know what I’m over that. Just talk. So that’s where I stand I observe. We spent almost my whole birthday week doing things. He even came to the hospital when my oldest was rushed passing out in school.
Most recently he has his moments. I can tell you I miss his confidence I know when he’s depressed. His talk is of being alone and just negative things. Sometimes the words cut me like a knife. It attacked him so much he had an anxiety attack. I of course rushed to the hospital when he was having the chest pains and could not breathe. I stayed until day break. I took the next day off to care for him. He asked me to call make his doctor appointment saying I was his girlfriend. Crazy? I could make the appointment does it matter who I am. I am not your girlfriend.
The day after he sees the doctor. They find inflammation around his heart. They send him home with Motrin. Now days have passed. He called me up so much to find out what he should do and eat etc. I’m not a doctor. I tried my hardest. I headed back to the doctor with him this past Monday. He was given an echo cardiogram. So we waited. It’s Friday. He’s withdrawn. Sulking. The weathers been icky and he can’t return to work without paperwork.
His depression is making him not a person I like to be around. I told him I was there for you because I always said I would. The fact that now you want to go back to work, instead of getting off your butt finding out what you can do in the meantime you attack verbally with negative words things that are hurtful. I’ve done everything a wife would do. I was able to handle him but I just broke yesterday. I’m so tired.
I honestly don’t expect anything. Why I stay is only something I can answer myself. I’m sure everyone will have opinions. Yes he’s a big boy. He can do it on his own. I’m sure if I removed myself from his life he would be ok too. After all I’m his piece of comfort that he keeps.
I do believe that things happen for reasons. I think he does need the rest and clarity. I can’t say by me being there will it mean anything to him. It’s just an unappreciative gesture.
I do hope he feels better soon.. Right now it’s my turn to try to feel better.