Round and round it goes.. Where it stops nobody knows.. Do you think the odds ever change? Do you think you’re that one in a million shot..
No.. Not everyone is that lucky.. Playing with fire gets you burned. Remember what has been done in the dark will come out in the light.. Don’t expect to be handed a good life. Especially if the strife and mistreatment and misfortune you have caused others is of great proportions..
Depression is horrible. Anyway that it starts and comes about. It’s horrible. It’s a pain that just never heals. My hearts been broken for as long as I can remember. I had a crush at age five and he never cared. It just was me falling for boys but nothing back. Sure the pain of a broken heart wasn’t so bad..
I know the pain in my life comes from my father who left. Always searching for someone to love. I’ve been a quiet person and I didn’t ask for anyone’s help. I would feel so depressed due to so much. Eventually I would manage through the storms. My ups and downs that would trigger weight loss and gains. Funny how a girl so shy, so insecure never had body image issues. No eating disorders. No cutting. I could hate myself and the only self harm I had was tearing skin off my fingers. That was my nervous anxious habit. When I couldn’t take the way it felt I stopped.
I hate the depression that needing to be loved makes me feel. It’s one thing to be loved by kids and your mother. The love of best friends. The love from family. Longing to be loved by someone that’s something else. Watch tv, everyone has someone. Can’t even watch a DIY show without watching a happy couple need a home fixed. Don’t they target single people. Sigh. Everyone has someone. I’m here blogging about it. Feeling so like shit.
So damn alone. Over a man whose duped me not once not twice numerous times. All because I believed we had a calling to come into each other’s lives. That I was suppose to help him. Sheesh. Now I’m feeling depressed and have anxiety anger. Just not wanting to move on.. Look whose celebrating.
I hate this pain.. I wish I stopped being so stupid and listen to myself I know what’s right, I just live for the wrong. Go away.. Let the pain go.
Yay 2015 is here. Blah blah. It’s another day. Another day I live. It’s cool. So why is my heart acting like it’s crazy. Lovely. It’s currently hurting. Maybe it’s indigestion? Maybe it’s an anxiety attack. Any thing you call it, I’ve dealt with it before. Sigh.
I made it a whole year in whatever this friendship/relationship I’m in. It doesn’t even have a name. Just a few days ago someone I work with noticed Austin and asked how we knew each other. That was like a comedy act. Both trying to find the words. Kinda sorta my ex.. La da.. Even his mom called me his girlfriend. Confusing.
So that’s not even what’s getting to me. Is it crazy I just want this kiss. A passionate sweet kiss.. I actually crave this kiss. I’m not going to ask I know it’s crazy. How can I feel about I want a kiss. It would be generic and awkward. That’s not what I want. I’m hoping he would do it. I know that’s not why my chest is killing me but it sure just makes me know those feelings are there.
I tell myself I can’t put my heart in this. Which is why I don’t sit him down and say what is this? What are we? I really can’t commit myself to him. I just am not ready to just say let’s give it a go. Oh feelings take you ass elsewhere! No heart no problem.. Can I do it?
He stole her heart the day she met him. She loved him when she looked into his eyes. She saw forever and comfort. She knew that he would be hers forever.
He did steal her hurt and left her wounded. Wound so badly opened that no amount of glue, stitches and even love could ever heal it. He blew her mind with lies and her soul the biggest hole in a place where her heart should be.
One year ago it was over. Like a thief in the night he ran. She was broken beyond repair. She mended her heart with memories and thoughts. Healing and taking time. She saw the their again. He had her heart. He knew how she felt. She was trapped. Her ever beating heart ached to be loved. She embraced him even with a hollow heart.
He wasn’t kind to her anymore. He only knew how to be sincere in a moments notice. She felt she had to be there or he would be lost. Her instincts told her this is where to be. He never cared what she thought. As long as he was taken care. Her heart was cracking and shattering. It can’t hold on. How can you break a heart that isn’t even while she thought? How can she detach herself from the one person she thought was her whole world.
He said be was busy last night. We all played that game. He www busy a lot when he played her heart. She knew her heart was hanging on with pieces. She told him how much her heart aches for him. Can’t do this anymore she whispered. She wipes the tears from her cheek.
Woke up in despair today. Couldn’t seem to wonder where I was. All I knew is that everything inside ached. Why couldn’t it be all a dream I wondered. It’s such a terrible feeling.
I looked in the mirror. I couldn’t stare at my reflection. My eyes they don’t shine like they use too. They seem soulless. My smiles hidden too. Where did it all go.
There’s pain the heart, pain in the shoulders and neck. Is it real pain or is my mind playing tricks. I sometimes wish they would find something wrong with me. I stay at my window. I long to be happy. I go back lay in my bed. I want to sleep. Just sleep until I can’t asleep anymore.
Dear depression. You are unwanted. I’ve never asked of you to be here. Stop ruining my life. It doesn’t answer. Please leave I cry. I want it all back. I want it all back. I just cry and sob.
So I don’t talk to my sister a lot. We are total opposites. Sometimes she annoys me to the fact I can’t stand her. I just texted her back about the mp3 message she sent and we replied back and forth.
She thinks I should fight to keep Austin. I said there’s no way of that. He’s so blinded by Annie that, that’s all he wants. I’m so blinded by him he’s all I want. It’s just stupid. She tells me not to give up. I can’t open his eyes. I can’t tell him anything. I know all the wrong he has done. I’ve dealt with that. I’m not going to be second to none. I know how hard it is to not want to give up on something you believe strongly in.
Maybe in the future if we are both unattached it might work. Right now and for how long. Until it’s over over his number one thought will always be Annie. I can’t compete with that. No matter how hard I fight. I’m sure even if she landed herself in hot water he would be ok with it because of his blinded love and infatuation.
I wish I could take back the past have him never meet her. If it wasn’t her he might have met someone regardless. Still he wouldn’t have turned into the mess he is now. Uncaring, unfeeling, destructive.
I don’t care whose tired of hearing about my rants at least I’m trying to heal and I’m not keeping the pain in. I wanna talk about it. Hopefully one day I won’t care. The pain won’t hurt. Seeing his name or speaking his name won’t hurt. It’s just a raw emotional wound that keep being infected. It just can’t heal.
You don’t know what you want.
Why do you pretend you do?
All the answers are IDK
Or I don’t know.
You bring up you want this or
You want that. A simple questions is
Asked you don’t reply.
Can life go from being good and
Not questioning your life to pure stupidity?
You can’t hold on to something.
You must let it go. You must find the answers.
So must I but my questions burn my soul. I don’t like what I feel. Everything
I think I do right I do wrong.
I’m tired of experts and their opinions
I’m tired of relationship websites
I’m tired of feel like I can’t be who I am.
Is things set in stone.
Why the hell are things so rotten.
I could almost see what I had. I almost put it together tonight. I shut the pain out. I shut the tears. I couldn’t accept the acknowledgement.
The wounds just keep self inflicting does it ever stop. Even when you’re many miles away. You’re still there.
Please release the hold.