He told me it was my fault he couldn’t move on.. But he keeps telling me he has to move on. It’s funny how I’m the one who has nothing to lose. I’m not grasping at anything.
Every little foolish move made its my fault.. Sure I know I can’t stay here. I’m the one who never wanted anything. Why does someone care for someone so much they won’t let them go but they won’t chose to be with them either. Instead they keep trying to find others and it never works because the feelings aren’t there..
Sometimes I wish I never met you..
How dare you the one with the problems make it seem like it’s my fault. He said we could have worked if we took it slow. I laughed. He said I wanted to see him daily. Nope. At anytime he could have went home after work. He’s the one who came each night, he’s the one who started the relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t really think he would take me on.
All the blame is to me, when he knows he wanted to be here. Now we play games. He can’t seem to be happy he tells me. He can’t give his all. When I met him. He gave me his all. No secrets I knew him. Now he hides himself. Now he tells me he can’t get over me. But yet move on. He moves on to settle. These girls will never do all I did..
Why the hell am I so good to keep you wanting me but you don’t want to try.. I want the words I want the answer but I’m sure it will be another lie. I can’t expect a boy to take on a woman. Can I?
Round and round it goes.. Where it stops nobody knows.. Do you think the odds ever change? Do you think you’re that one in a million shot..
No.. Not everyone is that lucky.. Playing with fire gets you burned. Remember what has been done in the dark will come out in the light.. Don’t expect to be handed a good life. Especially if the strife and mistreatment and misfortune you have caused others is of great proportions..
So if you ever speak to others on cheating I’ve had many women friends tell me that you shouldn’t blame the other woman who was cheating with your man. Nope sorry. It takes two to tango. Two for everything so if you think I won’t put the girl on blast you are wrong.
I finally read an article that I saw on facebook where they did put the blame on the other party. Sorry he didn’t just face first fall in your vagina. When it became more than friends and you guys were sending nudes and sexting. At any minute did you realize what you were doing? When you met up secretly to eat, then ended up in bed. No it was the alcohol. This is the funny part that my ex said he was drunk all the time. Yes he lies but it does give you a laugh when you know he has to get piss ass drunk to put his penis in you.
So Miss 40 year old Mets fan.. I feel sorry for you. Not only because your favorite baseball team is the worst there is nor because you tattooed them on your body. I feel bad because you opened up your legs for a man you met online. You knew he was seeing someone. He posted a status in regards to me that you even replied too. You damn hypocrite. He lied told you things but when you invited him over you still had my sloppy seconds.
It’s funny how my ex linked me to this app called circle. Two years ago. It used to show me where my friends were I knew right off the bat when it said Arverne he was with you. You wanted so much more. You watched him lie to you and date the asian girl. So while he was sleeping with us both there was her. You weren’t even good for him too. You were good to open up your short legs too but nope not good enough to replace me.
You still weren’t good enough and you’re his friend to even be told about his father passing. But he wanted to try something this time. Knowing I’m not a bad person he decided to go where the low point is. Yea you. You deserve each other. You aren’t good enough. He doesn’t want me. So he has to settle because you just open your legs. No other girl takes his game anymore. So until how long this lasts? We all know.
So is opening your legs worth it? At 40 who wants to play the screwing game. Companionship that’s the thing. Anyone can have affairs and open their legs. I want someone who just doesn’t mind cuddling with me. Who will just be there when I need them. I don’t need a fuck buddy.. I guess you do.. I guess you do..
Back to what made this blog. Feeling stupid and insecure and about near driven everyone away. I was in love with a narcissist. I truly didn’t fully enter my mind. When I figured out he was I assumed it was just the situation he was in. Then when he came back my way I didn’t even remember it. I was so overjoyed he was back I stupidly forgot he hurt me.
Now I’m here licking wounds. They never healed they’re like scars that never close. Maybe they’ve gotten to that point and I’ve ripped them open. I can truly say I survived him but I can’t say that I will make it out alive anytime soon.
I want nothing to do with anyone really. I get yelled at by my friends for even replying to his texts. Yea let me see you try it and how easy it is. Geez. Best part and what sealed the deal with his mentality is asking me if a friend would let him claim their kid on his taxes. You think after what you put me thru I will do that. He knows a lot of people why ask me.
So I’m back again feeling like it won’t ever get better. My life’s just a girl with dumb decisions. Heck I can raise and parent kids but I can’t even see deceitful ways of a grown man. What the hell does that tell you?!
Yay 2015 is here. Blah blah. It’s another day. Another day I live. It’s cool. So why is my heart acting like it’s crazy. Lovely. It’s currently hurting. Maybe it’s indigestion? Maybe it’s an anxiety attack. Any thing you call it, I’ve dealt with it before. Sigh.
I made it a whole year in whatever this friendship/relationship I’m in. It doesn’t even have a name. Just a few days ago someone I work with noticed Austin and asked how we knew each other. That was like a comedy act. Both trying to find the words. Kinda sorta my ex.. La da.. Even his mom called me his girlfriend. Confusing.
So that’s not even what’s getting to me. Is it crazy I just want this kiss. A passionate sweet kiss.. I actually crave this kiss. I’m not going to ask I know it’s crazy. How can I feel about I want a kiss. It would be generic and awkward. That’s not what I want. I’m hoping he would do it. I know that’s not why my chest is killing me but it sure just makes me know those feelings are there.
I tell myself I can’t put my heart in this. Which is why I don’t sit him down and say what is this? What are we? I really can’t commit myself to him. I just am not ready to just say let’s give it a go. Oh feelings take you ass elsewhere! No heart no problem.. Can I do it?
My whole journey and the reason I made this blog was because I was so saddened and upset over the break up with Austin.. It’s been a year now. It seems that the year went by so quick. Honestly nothing really changed from last year before the break up.
I admit that the summer was the worst one ever for me. Emotionally. But I didn’t lock myself up in the house. I actually went away, went to the beach and just overall enjoyed myself. The past three months though was more bittersweet though. No one imagined his father would pass on. That would forever change our relationship.
I will be the first to admit yes I am a sucker for love. For him for everything. Yes he cheated on me. Yes he was in a relationship with me and some other girl for two years. Why did it end up the way it has. The emotional connection. Something we always had and why we couldn’t let go. Finding it a player got played on his end. Well I don’t think she’s much of a player I think she got bored at home and wanted outside action. Whatever it was, it never was solid as he never trusted her. After his fathers passing the demise of their relationship came. I became the shoulder to lean on.
We have a much better relationship and are closer. Everyone thinks we are together but I don’t classify what it is. We spend time together and just enjoy each other’s company. I’m not looking to be with anyone right now. Even if he said lets try again, I can’t I have so many things that I need to do before I work on us. Whatever we are it has no name. My coworkers and everyone think we are back together I just say don’t label it. At any moment he might find another someone and its alright by me. I didn’t say I wasn’t looking but I don’t have the time and energy to work on another relationship with a home right now. That would require so much work that just isn’t in the cards.
I enjoy the smiles and laughter. I enjoy the dinners and the fun we have. I have happiness that I hadn’t had for a while. I know that I could get hurt again but that’s something I will have to deal with when I cross that bridge. He knows where I stand on us.. But I don’t question him on it. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.
Yea it’s been a year. You know what I’ve made it thru.
I can write blogs and blogs about what I should do in life do I ever follow what I preach. No I don’t. I’m miserable. My fault. No need to put salt in my already opened wounds.
Could have been somewhere new by now. No here I am stuck in the same rut. Stealing my time from me because my hearts to kind. I hit the bottom last night. The chest pains, the body aches and headaches. Pain that I don’t need.
A whole year ago I should have walked away. I believe or had believed in signs and was telling myself that the reason I’m around is because of so and so. You know what you can lie to yourself numerous times. Can you convince yourself that it’s right? No you can’t even find it in your heart to see that you’re being treated like garbage.
I’ve given my time to someone to someone that has no love for me. I’m just easy, accessible. When he calls I jump. He has it easy. He doesn’t care.
Here I’ve worried about his feelings. Trying to walk on eggshells so worried about his grieving, yet my heart is continuously broken. I can give advice but yet he doesn’t care. I just wasted a whole year on what should have been doing things for me.
I told him he had wasted my time When he broke up with me. Now look whose wasting my time myself. Now look whose the one with egg on their face.
So I know now that I don’t really need to be seeing a therapist. My relationships that I have been in, haven’t always been the greatest. I guess I always was questioning why things didn’t work out. Why did men stray or move on? I had the assumption that I guess they are all happy. When I tell friends well how come so and so look so happy. They tell me you don’t know how it is. Pictures you can smile in but who knows the real story behind it.
I was watching the movie Pretty Woman on Saturday. I love the movie. I always watch it whenever it is on. Don’t ask me why it has been on a lot lately. For the first time this line that Edward says ” It Cost me $10,000 in therapy to say that sentence. I was very angry with him.” It struck me. I am telling my therapist so much but am I getting anything out of it. I won’t knock the therapist the only change I see is that I am more of a positive person. The therapist never really judges me about my life. Lately I have missed a few weeks of going. The one week was the therapist would be away. Then I really didn’t feel like going the past two weeks.
So am I wasting money. Maybe. I do know that the last relationship I was in, well the problem was him and the other person he ended up being with even if it was short term. I still deal with him on some levels. I know it doesn’t help but I really don’t know how to totally break free from it. I know he needs more help than me. My friend tells me that he needs to hit rockbottom to see that he needs help. I do wonder if he could benefit from it. I really honestly have no idea what his demons are. Why they are so bad. I believe for me I will go a few more times and then just stop. I know I will be ok. I have dealt with relationships before and survived. I just have to have more faith in me.
I find myself puzzled lately. Confused and even unsure of things. Are the things that happening, fate, just coincidental or just life at its moment. I guess it’s however we all take how we feel in regards to our situations.
In late July and early August, my ex and I were talking but he started to talk to her again so I began to just pull away. No matter what I did though, I ran into people, places and saw trucks and businesses that had the name “Austin” which is his name. So it literally bugged me out.
I had started to speak to some guys, just talk but I didn’t see potential. One guy who had wanted to date me had a stroke in July. I know that’s health wise but it just was so weird. Just random things happened when people wanted to talk to me. So in my head I felt like this was something telling me that my time with Austin isn’t done just yet. Too many little things that bring us together.
Now his father is gone. He’s encountered after the fact one day fighting with the chick hours after the burial because she brought up nonsense, his fan just out the blue shutting off. He took that as a sign about her.
So I don’t know if my mind wants me to be in his life still that little occurrences I attribute to it saying hey you guys need to be around each other.. Sometimes I wish a “sign” or something could be more clearer..
I woke up feeling a bit not myself. Tired to say the least. Not mopey I’m glad. Off to work I got myself together. Plugged in the straightener. My phone buzzed. Oh yes look whose texting me none other than the ex. I had gotten texts at one in the morning which I chose to ignore.
So I chose to say what?! Miss paranoia now has him thinking I’m stalking her. Dude. I work night I have my kids I have no time to go stalk. Someone had issues. The same girl who text me from his phone in June and then tells him I told her xyz! I’m like serious? This girl has hacks in Verizon too. A little too nut case for me.
So yes after my friends harsh messages to me. I took to telling him to fuck off. Grow up. I’m tired of the games. I’ve never seen a man whine over a piece of ass so much. I pretty much deaded it with serious consequences attached to it. He owes me money. He said how can I pay you back? I told him to never call me again. He said write you a letter. No idiot it’s called here my bank account number make a deposit. Got it? Oh but your my friend until god forbid one of us leaves this earth. Dude what was in that take out she’s feeding you? Friends don’t act like douche bags.
Well I ended it with you will be alone and he agreed. Shameful as it seems as he kept mentioning her and when I mention being alone he doesn’t even try to interject they’re will be a future for them. Signed sealed delivered. Message sent. Boom. He says he will have friends. Friends. That you will have less and less of.
I walked away unscathed. I dodged a bullet. I’m standing tall and not crying. You have shown me your true colors. I accept them. I can’t say how much of me is healed and what isn’t but it’s certainly better than it was 8 months ago. Tomorrow is September. My birthday is coming. I look forward for an awesome birthday. No one not even him will ruin it.
I don’t feel the pain or burden it’s starting to show and fade. I can breathe. Once again.