If I would have realized how shows like Friends and How I Met Your Mother would reflect on me now.. I would’ve asked for a time warp to jump past all the bullshit..
We all have that one friend happy couple. The one with kids. The one who can’t ever find a decent relationship. Ahh comedies a burst of energy and joy. I mean no one has that many crazy things happen. At least it’s better than reality TV..
I need to get out more.
My whole journey and the reason I made this blog was because I was so saddened and upset over the break up with Austin.. It’s been a year now. It seems that the year went by so quick. Honestly nothing really changed from last year before the break up.
I admit that the summer was the worst one ever for me. Emotionally. But I didn’t lock myself up in the house. I actually went away, went to the beach and just overall enjoyed myself. The past three months though was more bittersweet though. No one imagined his father would pass on. That would forever change our relationship.
I will be the first to admit yes I am a sucker for love. For him for everything. Yes he cheated on me. Yes he was in a relationship with me and some other girl for two years. Why did it end up the way it has. The emotional connection. Something we always had and why we couldn’t let go. Finding it a player got played on his end. Well I don’t think she’s much of a player I think she got bored at home and wanted outside action. Whatever it was, it never was solid as he never trusted her. After his fathers passing the demise of their relationship came. I became the shoulder to lean on.
We have a much better relationship and are closer. Everyone thinks we are together but I don’t classify what it is. We spend time together and just enjoy each other’s company. I’m not looking to be with anyone right now. Even if he said lets try again, I can’t I have so many things that I need to do before I work on us. Whatever we are it has no name. My coworkers and everyone think we are back together I just say don’t label it. At any moment he might find another someone and its alright by me. I didn’t say I wasn’t looking but I don’t have the time and energy to work on another relationship with a home right now. That would require so much work that just isn’t in the cards.
I enjoy the smiles and laughter. I enjoy the dinners and the fun we have. I have happiness that I hadn’t had for a while. I know that I could get hurt again but that’s something I will have to deal with when I cross that bridge. He knows where I stand on us.. But I don’t question him on it. Sometimes things are better left unsaid.
Yea it’s been a year. You know what I’ve made it thru.
I can write blogs and blogs about what I should do in life do I ever follow what I preach. No I don’t. I’m miserable. My fault. No need to put salt in my already opened wounds.
Could have been somewhere new by now. No here I am stuck in the same rut. Stealing my time from me because my hearts to kind. I hit the bottom last night. The chest pains, the body aches and headaches. Pain that I don’t need.
A whole year ago I should have walked away. I believe or had believed in signs and was telling myself that the reason I’m around is because of so and so. You know what you can lie to yourself numerous times. Can you convince yourself that it’s right? No you can’t even find it in your heart to see that you’re being treated like garbage.
I’ve given my time to someone to someone that has no love for me. I’m just easy, accessible. When he calls I jump. He has it easy. He doesn’t care.
Here I’ve worried about his feelings. Trying to walk on eggshells so worried about his grieving, yet my heart is continuously broken. I can give advice but yet he doesn’t care. I just wasted a whole year on what should have been doing things for me.
I told him he had wasted my time When he broke up with me. Now look whose wasting my time myself. Now look whose the one with egg on their face.
He stole her heart the day she met him. She loved him when she looked into his eyes. She saw forever and comfort. She knew that he would be hers forever.
He did steal her hurt and left her wounded. Wound so badly opened that no amount of glue, stitches and even love could ever heal it. He blew her mind with lies and her soul the biggest hole in a place where her heart should be.
One year ago it was over. Like a thief in the night he ran. She was broken beyond repair. She mended her heart with memories and thoughts. Healing and taking time. She saw the their again. He had her heart. He knew how she felt. She was trapped. Her ever beating heart ached to be loved. She embraced him even with a hollow heart.
He wasn’t kind to her anymore. He only knew how to be sincere in a moments notice. She felt she had to be there or he would be lost. Her instincts told her this is where to be. He never cared what she thought. As long as he was taken care. Her heart was cracking and shattering. It can’t hold on. How can you break a heart that isn’t even while she thought? How can she detach herself from the one person she thought was her whole world.
He said be was busy last night. We all played that game. He www busy a lot when he played her heart. She knew her heart was hanging on with pieces. She told him how much her heart aches for him. Can’t do this anymore she whispered. She wipes the tears from her cheek.
Beep.. Beep.. Beep.. Oh wait I forgot this day in ages who answers the phone. Who hears the busy tone. We mostly have call waiting..
Messages, messages. I answer. He wakes me from my sleep. Great I think.. I answer back. He keeps on. I go back to sleep this time. A little while later a friend text me. I’m annoyed now why didn’t I just leave the sound off. Eventually it’s time to wake. I’m up now. I know what time he gets up. I shoot over a message.
I worked all afternoon. I looked cautiously at my phone. Nothing. Irritated I felt. How you carelessly wake me. Now I ask how you are nothing. Wow I felt… Slap in the face. All weekend I had to hear the rant of other things. So I worked until my body said no. Sick feeling echo in my stomach I left work an hour early taking myself home. Trying to sleep once I got settled.
Hours later he tells me he was busy. Replies 3am. We all seen the pictures on Instagram and facebook.. A person that says they’re busy but yet they have they’re phone in their hand at all times. You know what it’s ok. I wasn’t stressing over you. I knew where I stood. Wasting my time seems like something that you enjoy doing. No ones that busy. Man up. If a new chick is in the horizon run for it. I’m sure you can’t wait to try anyway. Don’t hit me up because no one else will answer..
I’ll remember to be busy next time.