Those things we call feelings

Yay 2015 is here. Blah blah. It’s another day. Another day I live. It’s cool. So why is my heart acting like it’s crazy. Lovely. It’s currently hurting. Maybe it’s indigestion? Maybe it’s an anxiety attack. Any thing you call it, I’ve dealt with it before. Sigh.

I made it a whole year in whatever this friendship/relationship I’m in. It doesn’t even have a name. Just a few days ago someone I work with noticed Austin and asked how we knew each other. That was like a comedy act. Both trying to find the words. Kinda sorta my ex.. La da.. Even his mom called me his girlfriend. Confusing.

So that’s not even what’s getting to me. Is it crazy I just want this kiss. A passionate sweet kiss.. I actually crave this kiss. I’m not going to ask I know it’s crazy. How can I feel about I want a kiss. It would be generic and awkward. That’s not what I want. I’m hoping he would do it. I know that’s not why my chest is killing me but it sure just makes me know those feelings are there.

I tell myself I can’t put my heart in this. Which is why I don’t sit him down and say what is this? What are we? I really can’t commit myself to him. I just am not ready to just say let’s give it a go. Oh feelings take you ass elsewhere! No heart no problem.. Can I do it?

Friendships

If it isn’t meant to be to be you know.
Friendships can either stay or diminish over time. Once you find yourself getting annoyed or nitpicking on them. It’s time to reevaluate yourself. You can’t make choices for another grown individual. So don’t try to. If it goes sour or grows apart. Let it go. A part of your life is now behind you.

Goodbye. Farewell. Thanks!

Eh oh well

So I lost a friend. Let me rephrase that. I decided that our friendship was over. Goodbye see you.. All that jazz.

When I was five I was babysat by the lady in the next building. She was nice. She had three girls. One of them my age we were friends. Not best friend closeness but friends. She started calling me a name I never liked. Believe me maybe people like certain names.. But no I didn’t. So when I was old enough we didn’t need to be babysat. We grew apart because I went into a different program in middle school. I was now ahead of her one grade since I skipped a grade.

I saw her now and then in high school. Then one spring in my final year she called me by that nickname and I walked away never looking back. I never explained to her why. Just had enough. I’ve remained friends with her family and have been to birthday parties for her nieces and nephews we briefly spoke but I’m not missing anything.

In my twenties I became friends with a coworker. She was ten years older than me but we hit it off. Lot In common etc. A year later she moves to Florida. I made the effort to do all I can called and was always there. Some years later she moves to the Midwest and I was in a bad relationship that I just got out of she showed me affordable apartments and how I could start my life over there. So I decided to uproot my kids and do so.. I never thought ten years would take a toll on friendship. She wasn’t the same girl I met.

She was married to some country amateur wrestler guy. Her best friend was the guys ex wife. They smoked weed while their kids were in school. Gossiped about everything. I truly had wished I knew before I uprooted my family. This girl used me for money. She disrespected my family and violated my trust. Funny how MySpace was the thing back then. When It all came down to it, she played the I did so and so for you and you were ungrateful. Where in the hell does it say your man can lay his hands on my kid? To make matters worse I stayed for the kids to finish school two months. Her kids and step kids taunted my kids at the bus stop. The day I moved they stood outside chanting “nah, nah, hey hey goodbye” 40 year olds.. Acting like babies. Oh well I didn’t miss her.

Decisions

Moving on, growing up. Realizing what you need and what you don’t. Look at friendships and relationships. Decide what needs to stay and what should go.

Sometimes it’s not an easy task. Do we have to give up these relationships? No not necessarily but if they’re toxic you should. Never be unhappy for anyone at all. We all have our differences. Life isn’t easy. We all know that. Life is tough, but if you’re a constant punching bag for someone leave.

It may or may not hurt when you walk away but you can look at that and say well lessons learned. Think about points in life that were good or bad. You lived you made it.

Don’t worry that some can’t move on. They’ll poke and try to get at you. That’s their problem not yours. Who cares if they go on social media and blast about true whatever. Believe me only certain people need to validate themselves on social media to make others look bad. You’ll be just find.

Walk away, don’t look back. Onto bigger and better things! Never look back!

You’ve got some nerve!

I wrote about one girl I know who is seeing a guy she met on the dating site. Of course after two weeks she finds out that he kept pressing lets get married. Of course he wants his papers. So you know now she is all about I miss my man. I miss this and that about him. She tells me the other day how she was hanging with some girlfriends and she was feeling the need to get some, she was in a part of the city so she calls up the few people who live in that area. One guy picked up and promised after he was done working he would call her back. She tells me that she missed all his calls and she was sleeping. That she took this as a sign. This is the girl that is proclaiming she loves this man but was willing to get local dick from any guy. She has the nerve to tell me what to do with my life. Asshole.

Same girl, is also trying to get a place with this man. He has no credit, she has poor credit. So shes talking to me and she goes and says I know you have good credit. I am staring at her with that look. I am like no she is not going there. Literally she wants me to fill out this apartment application and list her ass as a tenant. What are you criminally insane? I don’t even have my own place. I have my own kids. Selfish little bitch. How dare you ask me to do things for you. You fix your own problems and leave me the hell alone. How dare you. I don’t care how long it takes for you to get an apartment. This supposed happy love affair. The green card guy and the girl who needs local dick. Yea I am sure you will ride off into the sunset. 

I am so happy you two found each other.. Not!

The mind

The mind. I really wished I had studied the mind. The most complicated part of our being. It can mess people up and at times do so much damage. It’s scary. What we mentally put ourselves through.

I thought for me that I’ve always been week towards feeling love. When it’s over it’s just not a place I want to be. I always thought with the way I was quiet shy that maybe those traits I showed were because of such.

There’s only been one other man whose shown anger and emotion that was my ex husband. He also did not want to let me go. Not what I’m dealing with now but something kept him around. This is two different types though. I never ever expected the last one I was with to react this way. He always says how confident he is and how he lives his life. I assumed like everyone before me that he knew how to let go. I was quite wrong.

While his trauma that he is dealing with has been brought on by how own actions I’ve become the punching bag. He’s so mad at screwing up what could have been something possibly with Annie. That he feels a way towards me. He couldn’t give himself towards her because of me. Mind you I had no idea. Whatever I possess that keeps him around I wish I knew. Just can’t be mad at me. I know it’s probably his male reaction towards things.

The mind what it controls the mysteries behind it. I’m curious but I know I will never get the answer I seek to what has kept me in his life all this time. He does always tell me like a broken record if you had done this and that and that. You can’t change what you knew about me from day one. It’s something you knew. Maybe I brought to your life something you e never had. Which makes it hard to let it go.

My mind your mind. It’s a scary time to be us. Two people who need each other in some crazy way but the situations just not allowing it. We know it isn’t good for each other also. As much as we love each other it’s just not a place we need to be.

Throwing me under the bus

So yesterday my supervisor and I butted heads. Monday. Yup, Monday the day where the meetings are. I get there punch in. Think oh joy another work week!

I get invited to the meeting this week. “Fuck, I’m thinking I hate these things. I have no choice!” The store manager said I had to. So I get there along with some other guy. We get introduced. Not five minutes into the meeting the other guy was brought up to the front. Asked how his training was going. Crappppp! I hate public speaking. So they finish. They call on me. I go up. How’s my training going. “Uh good I say.” I haven’t been taught squat. Why because I’ve done my supervisors work for many years I just don’t know all the reports! I get praised how everything that is good I helped do. “Score!” Store manager is happy.

After almost two hours meeting is done. I wait for my supervisor to come out. He thanks me for not throwing him under the bus. I told him he was lucky. I don’t drive buses. He said “you’re gonna have Danny drive the bus with Lana sitting in his lap?” I got infuriated. I punched out for lunch.

You know my supervisor and I started the same date over a decade ago. Sure he’s older than me he’s like the one of the only father figures I had. I had another coworker around his age that was really like a dad, he retired last year. This one, well he’s the dad you want to smack every so often. I told him what he said wasn’t right. So he interjects that Danny and I were just fwb. I was like oh really. So what are you and your girlfriend? Since Danny didn’t produce a ring. My supervisors been with his girl 27 or so years. Cheating on her 16 or more years. They still live together.

I knew Danny never wanted to be committed to a woman. Being I was once married I was ok just being where I was. I don’t need a ring or a title to show where my relationship is or going. Many people are together for years before getting married. My sister just got married ten days ago. They’ve been together fourteen years. My uncle David married his girlfriend twenty one years after they met. They got married 13 years ago but they’ve been together so long now. Whose to say you need validation?

So back to my supervisor I’m telling him you just can’t go there. He tells me they applied for five marriage licenses and never got married. Not my problem. He told me he asked the girl who moved out of the country to marry him she said yes of course are they getting married? Nope. His girlfriend of 27 years would kill him. I told him he isn’t so smart. He likes to hunt. You never know if she can get her hands on the ammo!

I wouldn’t let him get the best of me especially someone doing something wrong. Hey it’s my fault for sometimes telling him anything but I need to vent but in this case don’t judge me when you can’t really validate yourself.

As for Danny, he’s been quiet. He traded in the PS3 I bought him for Christmas in 2012 for the four and he’s been living on that. I haven’t been texting him. I haven’t been seeking him out either. Shits annoying because I miss him. I was doing so well until he told me about Lana further a month ago. I just hate having to feel I have to be compared to someone. I really hate knowing that he shared my business with her or others. I already know about hers. He won’t open up to her but I know everything from family stories to personal details. I know more than his own best friends know. That’s the crazy part. He doesn’t want to make himself look like a dirty dog to his female BFF he grew up with. So he knows a little. His male BFF probably knows half. I know the whole story. Why do you trust me so much, keep me at bay.

Too busy

So I’m not doing well I feel like I’ve got no where to turn. I really need a friend. Everyone is busy. I hate the age of social media. Back a few years ago in 2007/2008 I was going through something similar. But my friends called me checked on me. Now these days. Everyone is too busy.

You can try to text someone and they don’t respond, call someone they don’t answer but the see them online with the green online light on Facebook! Ugh. You don’t know how many times I’ve tried to hit up anyone but I get. I’m driving right now. So I’m giving up.

So keeping all this bottled up is taking a toll on me. My mind is sad, it’s also not happy. Sometimes I go to bed hoping I don’t wake up. I think of my kids but right now my daughters autism situation is worsening. Believe me I’ve read the books and blogs of some. You know what everyone’s lives are different. I can’t take someone’s thoughts and expect a miracle. But it’s hard to hang in there. It’s hard to be patient.

It’s hard to watch your child lose them self. It’s hard as a parent to think there could have been preventable measures taken. It’s just so hard. No one seems to care that you’re crashing. I just want a shoulder to cry on. I just want to know someone can be there if I fall.

I really need a friend.

Change

Why do some people change when they get married?

I was friends with John since the day he was born. Ok so I’m ten years older than him. I was there and watched him the day his father passed on. We used to keep in touch. When they moved away too. They moved a state over when he could drive he would come to the city. He would call me up we have lunch and go.
I met his fiancée she is really cool. I really liked her. He would still come to NY sometime closer to the date of the wedding I didn’t hear from him much. Maybe he’s mad since I couldn’t make the wedding? Children were not allowed and I couldn’t leave my kids. But now no interaction of any kind. He got married this past October. We are still Facebook friends but I don’t follow his posts anymore. I got annoyed how he did come down one time after he got married and said he would hit me up. He never did. Claims that I was suppose to tell him. I did hit him up the night before. Then he checks in all over Facebook. He checked in at a restaurant a mile from my house. So I was like wow, that would have been hey let me park outside we say hello and you go but no. I didn’t hold a grudge but felt like what excuse was that. Five minutes too?

Oh well. His birthday is coming up. I guess I’ll wish him his wishes but can’t see why the change.

Questions

Had given out my number for friendship purpose. So some guy asks the age old question. I know this girl and she wants to be friends only. She told me this from the get go. A month later she has a boyfriend. So his question is she calls me to do all this stuff and she texts me and calls me all the time. I ask what do you mean by do stuff? Do I really need to know? He goes oh take her around show her around NYC so I said oh.

I answer him, tell him either she’s not getting attention from this man or she wants her cake and eat it too. He replies well I told her one of these days she has to let me go. I was like no you have to. She has a man you’re the one whose kissing her butt when she runs and wants something and are the sucker. Yes well I didn’t say that. But you know it was in my head. Sheesh!

I knew there was a sense of logic missing when he asks about a concert I’m attending in a few weeks. Asks me how much the tickets are. I said I bought them on stub hub. He repeats how much are the tickets. I wanted to say dude it’s a big venue there’s no how much. Different areas the seats cost more. I’m not telling you what I spent. I repeated I bought them there and each ticket price is different and ended the conversation. I can’t converse with someone with their brain elsewhere.

Good luck dude.